loss is no disaster

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

 

~ Elizabeth Bishop

 

this poem has been on my mind recently.  i'm trying to convince myself that my life is not a disaster, though it does feel that way.  i lose too much, too many, but it isn't a disaster, right?  it's just life. life is loss...and gain.  i can't lose something if i don't have it in the first place.

Marilyn Monroe said, "Sometimes good things have to fall apart so better things can fall together."  if i really look back in my life i can see how good things have filled in the space where other things have fallen apart.  

i'm struggling right now.  it's less that "things" are falling apart and more that i am.  i wonder if the day will ever come when i don't fall apart. i'm overly sensitive, weak, afraid, and i care too much about everything.  i don't just wear my heart on my sleeve, i let it consume my every thought and action.  i wish that meant that i was kind and loving all the time.  but what it means is that i think and act irrationally and emotionally too much of the time.  sometimes i love too quickly and too deeply.  sometimes i hold on to hurt and betrayal too long.  i'm not very good at patience or forgiveness sometimes.  i need to find a way to pull myself together and keep myself from falling all apart.  my heart and my sensitivity could be a great strength instead of the terrible weakness it is currently.  i guess i just need more faith, more trust in Heavenly Father.

when i was little i had a lot more faith and trust than i do now.  i had plenty of hope and optimism too.  but life has beaten me down and i wasn't strong enough to fight back.  sometimes i feel like i'm barely holding on.  i'm so tired, so weary, so lonely, i don't know how to hold on much longer without some help.  i'm just having a little trouble seeing it right now.  it'll come...i don't know when and i don't know how, but it will.