vacancy

my Will is going away.  tonight was the last time i'll see him until at least Christmas...then who knows when.  i don't have the words to explain why he means so much to me.  being with him is the closest i've ever felt to that ever illusive "home" i've ached for my whole life.  i don't care that he'll never be in love with me, as my dear friend, he loves me better than any man ever has.  he has seen the depths of my darkness but sees me as so much more than that.  and that's only the beginning.  he is truly phenomenal.

but now he's moving.  he'll be more than 1000 miles away and i don't know what to do.  i don't think he's ever lived so far from everyone he knows.  i moved only 300 miles away and couldn't handle it.  but he's amazing, he'll be fine.  i don't know that i'll be fine though.  the gaping hole he filled so well will be left vacant again.  most people don't know this about me, but somewhere inside i have a little voice that is perpetually hopeful.  that voice is telling me that it may not be such a tragedy.  first of all, he isn't dead, he's just living in another state.  with all the technology these days, we'll be able to keep in contact and he'll come home sometimes...and maybe i can take a trip sometime to visit him.  the voice also says, maybe his exit will allow another entrance.  there is space here to be filled and the hope inside me says, maybe it will be filled with someone better than i can imagine.  isn't it about time i'm truly loved?  isn't it about time i find an amazing man who is more than just a friend?  that is Will's one flaw, you know...he's not in love with me.  it's ok, i don't need him to be...but i do want someone amazing to love me.

so there's this new guy that i met a couple weeks ago.  it's possible that he could be interested in me...perhaps...i'm trying to not read too much into it, and i'm trying to be patient, but i think he'd be pretty amazing.  he's temple worthy and he attends; he helped pass the Sacrament on Sunday; and he is taller than me, physically rather fit, and rather handsome.  those last items are why i'm not so sure he could be attracted to me, but ya never know, stranger things have happened.

i really hope that the voice inside is right.  i'm heartbroken that i don't know when i'll see Will again, he gives the best hugs and i love every second i spend with him, but i'm trying to be brave and not let it bring me down.  i don't know when i'll see the new guy again, or if anything will even happen between us, but i'm trying to believe that good things can happen in my love life.

i have so much love to give and i just want someone to let me give it!