words...ridiculously sentimental words...

i wrote a letter with (i'm sure) too much sentiment.  then i let all my stupid, sentimental words spill all over facebook.  now i feel like a complete fool.  i'm embarrassed and irritated with myself.  i really need to stop flooding everywhere.  i don't even know why i do it.  i just have too much inside of me and i can't seem to find enough places to put it.  i don't want to burden people directly, but i can't carry it all myself.  so i send it into the void and hope maybe i'll get a prayer or something.  and maybe my struggles will help someone else somehow...if nothing else, you can be grateful you're not a basket case like me.  you can be grateful you're not single anymore.  being single in a world of married people really isn't great.  watching people with their significant companion and their adorable children wrenches my heart.  i miss my married friends, i love them and i am so happy for their happiness, but i don't fit in with them and it hurts so much.  i don't know how to be around them.  i don't know how to set up a "play date" when i have no children to contribute.  maybe i could borrow a niece and/or nephew...i've always felt so out of place anyway, but now i feel like a complete alien so much of the time.  except with the few single friends i still have...particularly Will, but now he's gone.  i know, i need to get over it already.  i'm sorry i'm such a mess.  i'm sorry i didn't make better choices so i could be in a better place.  i did what i thought was right at the time and now i'm just not sure what to do.  i wish i could have just one more long embrace.  i wish i could have just one more moment.  or i wish i could find someone new who makes me feel like home.

i'm sorry for all my stupid, sentimental, foolish words.  i'm sorry for the stupid, sentimental, foolish feelings that won't leave me in peace.  i'm just so sorry i'm not a better, more interesting and endearing person.  i just want to stop being me, just for a little while.  i want to know what it's like to be a normal person, just for a little while.