where's the light

it shouldn't be this hard. this isn't the way it should be at all.  i can 't figure out how to change it.  every attempt i've made in the last 10 years to make things better, to get me closer to who and what and where i want to be has only pushed me down and held me back.  i was supposed to be aware of making good decisions...they seemed right at the time but now it seems like every decision i've ever made has been wrong.  i'm so tired of living the wrong life, of being the wrong person.  it's like i'm stuck in a nightmare where i'm trapped in someone else's body and life. how do i get out? how do i find myself and my life? i just can't do this much longer.  i just don't know what to do.

Humpty Dumpty

another restless night, it seems. exhaustion has brought on a torrent of tears and dread of morning. too many thoughts and feelings tonight. avoidance has only enhanced their affect. relating a bit too much to Humpty Dumpty...the shattered and hopeless...fallen...but where are the men and horses with super glue offering to  pick up the pieces?

someone to talk to might help. someone's shoulder to soak up the tears might help more. but it's just after midnight and there isn't anyone. not that there's much of anyone any other time of day, but in the hustle and bustle light it's easier to find avoidance in distraction.

this probably shouldn't settle here but it feels like that old void of deafness these days...no one listening...no one seeing...

it doesn't matter. I don't matter. if i were better, prettier, thinner, kinder, more generous or brave or strong...maybe then...but "if" doesn't mean anything...it isn't what is. what is...is...not much...disappointing...aloneness.

i'm just so tired of this. no wonder my words are forgotten, avoided, ignored...everyone else is tired of it too. i wish i could forget and turn away so easily. i wish i wasn't stuck with myself...especially on sleepless nights.

well, there you are dear wretched void, i'll leave you to it now. swallow my heartbreak, my tears, my discouragement...leave me void and numb again.

i'm sure it'll be better tomorrow.

don't worry, be happy

the night before last i had a dream that really upset me.  it was one of those really vivid dreams that sort of linger after you've awakened.  in the dream a friend and i had a conversation in which he made a decision to stop being friends with me simply because he thought my kindness meant i was in love with him.  i'll admit, recently i have had some thoughts about this friend, wondering if something more could come of our friendship...mainly because he's the only kind man i have around with any sort of regularity these days.  he is not interested in me that way though, so i have abandoned those thoughts.  friendship is much more important to me than...well, pretty much anything else.  i don't want to lose anymore friendships because of suspected "feelings" or "desires" or "expectations" toward romantic intentions.  the dream and lingering emotions inspired by it caused a deep sadness to enshroud me yesterday.  a deep depression threatened to completely overcome my every sensibility.  thankfully i have Bestest Friend and some other great influences in my life.  they reminded me that no matter who loves me or leaves me, i'm not alone. 

i need to get out and make some new friends.  i really need to change my perspective on the "friendship" concept because i'm tired of hurting over "lost friends".  i just want to hold on to people and be able to see them and spend time with them whenever i want and i severely dislike when things change and i'm not allowed easy access to people i love.  it's even harder when it's because they've stopped wanting me in their lives.  i'm really trying to let go.  it's not working at the moment because i'm feeling so entirely disconnected.  all i do is work these days, with new people i haven't quite connected with and it's taking a bit of a toll.  i need a good conversation, some true quality time, and perhaps a bit of tenderness.  for now i'll just have to make due until something better comes along.  i just hope it comes soon.

when words like rivers flow

recently i've been avoiding words and writing.  i haven't wanted to write from the emotions surrounding and permeating me so i just haven't written much.  i didn't want another sad or longing poem, another shattered or bitter or angst-ridden poem.  i'm tired of writing that.  i wanted hope and peace and love and forward motion.  until last night i couldn't find any of that.

i've been struggling with the way things ended...and didn't end, with Photo.  he was sort of the culmination of all the relationships i've had and i'm so tired of holding on to all of that.  i'm done thinking about the past.  i'm done being captivated by the past.  i'm done allowing my former relationships to dictate my future.  what is past is gone and done.  in some ways it has made me who i am (for better and for worse) but i'm done allowing the bad parts to continue tinging my future with negative energy.  i went to the temple today and while waiting for my turn i read in The Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi 12:46-47 "Therefore those things which were of old time, which were under the law, in me are all fulfilled. Old things are done away, and all things have become new." i'm starting new.  i'm giving it all to Him and i'm starting fresh from here.  i'm grateful for the Atonement which allows me to become new when i make that decision. i don't know what took me so long but i'm glad i'm finally connecting the dots and moving forward.

Photo hasn't been around much recently and it has been a source of anxiety, not because i want him around or gone, simply because his half existence in my life left me teetering and uncertain of what to think or feel.  finally something in me could feel the end coming and i began to grieve before i realized what i was doing.  the last week was the quickest i've ever worked through the grieving process.  it started last wednesday with a little bit of denial, moved quickly to anger (spending most of my time there), then bargaining and depression, finally ending in acceptance through poetry and an email written on tuesday and wednesday nights.  tuesday i wrote the following poem (it's not the best, but it sort of sums up some of my feelings):

broken hearts

i volunteered to break my heart

so yours could heal

what's the necessity of something

for something for nothing?

i thought it was more tenacious

after all, don't they say what's broken

grows back stronger? 

and God knows

my heart should be steel by now.

i let you in too deep.

knowing from the start 

it wouldn't last, never 

expecting the end to be

so abrupt, so careless, so senseless.

i wasn't done loving you better.

your beginning, so intense, wanting

all of me too soon, too much

i should have known how the

fastest, hottest flames burn out

too effortlessly.

now i'm still trying to extricate you from

my raw, too feeling heart.

and you've not only cast me out

like i never existed in your heart

you've grasped a new hope

in both hands, habitually swiftly

but this time...i won't be there to

break myself for your pieces again.

last night Will and i went to a coffee shop called Alchemy to perform for their open mic night.  he's good at getting up in front of people, playing his music and singing his songs.  i've read my poetry in front of people only a few times and it was always in classes or among my writing peers so i was pretty nervous.  i didn't take any poems with me because it was a busy day and i didn't have a chance to grab anything before i left the house.  i need to start carrying some around in my car or something i guess.  when we got there and the list was almost full i hoped they wouldn't have time for me.  i was last and wanted to chicken out.  but Will wouldn't let me; he has been the greatest encouragement for my poetry and he insisted i read something. so i wrote a poem while i sat there with him, listening to everyone else.  this is the poem i wrote and read.

write you away

can i write you away?

send you from me in letters

addressed to no one and nowhere.

see you fade in words and

sentences on old parchment.

can i write you away?

describe your every detail

with such precision depiction

forms you into a page i can

tear in tiny pieces and blow

you into the surge, away.

can i write you away?

and with your face and hands

and over-strong arms can i

send all the cracks my heart

has collected, not only yours

can i write you away?

with every unforgiven stain still

tainting my should-be flawless

composition; erase to make room

i thought space lacked margins

but new words won't come until

i can write you away

actually, i kind of wrote one and a half poems last night because we wrote one together too.

every other line, his and mine

a hundred miles in space

isn't all that far away

but when my dog has gone grey

and the stars drop from their place

it's enough to break my heart

running away isn't easy as you think

your baggage always seems to grow

rivers and rocks reveal pond scum

and your friends have gone home

no heart wants to run away alone

we're closer to understanding cold fusion

the cold has fused my hand in yours

though your heart has died to free you

you'll never reach that universal shore

so i'll stay and give you heart more

i feel like it might need another stanza or some general tweaking, but it's interesting.  i'm so grateful for Will and for the timing of last night.  he has the most amazing influence on my creativity.  he knows me and loves me and accepts me as i am.  he has always been direct and honest with me, so he is the one man i completely trust.  he encourages me to pursue my writing and he has become the standard of a good man in my life.  i realized today that until i find another man who makes me think and feel the way Will does i won't be placing my heart in anyone elses's hands.  that is the test for my future relationships.  if he doesn't permeate my whole being with goodness, he's not the one for me.

i'm grateful for words.  i'm grateful for lessons learned and for the constant opportunity to change the way i see the world and to move forward in a better direction.  i'm grateful for Photo because from him i learned to be cautious, give information slowly and sparingly until trust has been earned and proven, and to let go when it's over.  all my life i have wanted to hold tight to any person who comes within my sphere of existence.  if i let them into my heart i don't want them to ever leave.  i almost never walk away from people i care about, but it's time i start letting go when they do.  now i'm free to write what i want to write, to pursue hope and peace and, with any luck, finally find the love of my life.  if not in body, perhaps at least in word.

they DO exist!

i hung out with The Artist and D-Ham last night and tonight and i'm feeling much better about life. what dear, kind, wonderful men they are. the more i get to know D-Ham, the more i see what a decent man he is. i sometimes feel that care and protection when i'm with him, i feel safe and accepted. it's the same with The Artist and Will. i know i'm in good hands when i'm with them. i can be myself, whatever my true self is in that moment and i know they'll still like me and want to be with me. they are the very few men i actually do trust. i'm grateful for them this week because my faith in the goodness and reliability of man has taken a severe beating. i'm not grouchy anymore.

i'm sad that things couldn't have gone very differently with the other guy i've written about this week. he just makes me feel depressed,  irritated, agitated, and stressed. i guess that's my intuition telling me to let go. i made a mistake and i really hope i can avoid making the same mistake again. the answer is not to cut out all men from my life, it's to be more selective and really listen to my intuition. if i'm irritated, depressed, or in any way feel distressed about him, i need to just walk away, be it friendship or more. it felt ok for a while, then it went very wrong and i should have let go sooner. i'm not good at walking away from people i care about. i will always care. but he clearly doesn't care about me so i'm walking away.

ok, enough. i've gone over this enough. i look forward to seeing Will this week sometime. and, he's convinced me to read some poetry at an open mic night in a couple weeks. i need a new poem or two.  maybe after hanging out with him this week i'll be inspired. he is the greatest creative influence i've ever experienced in my life and i've missed him.

things are getting better. i'm stripping my life of the influences that bring me down and i'm trying to find more that lift me up. i have great friends and ample opportunities. i even have a couple days off this coming week so i'll be able to finish decompressing and actually do some of the things i haven't had time for recently. i'm gonna be ok.