i've been struggling with the way things ended...and didn't end, with Photo. he was sort of the culmination of all the relationships i've had and i'm so tired of holding on to all of that. i'm done thinking about the past. i'm done being captivated by the past. i'm done allowing my former relationships to dictate my future. what is past is gone and done. in some ways it has made me who i am (for better and for worse) but i'm done allowing the bad parts to continue tinging my future with negative energy. i went to the temple today and while waiting for my turn i read in The Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi 12:46-47 "Therefore those things which were of old time, which were under the law, in me are all fulfilled. Old things are done away, and all things have become new." i'm starting new. i'm giving it all to Him and i'm starting fresh from here. i'm grateful for the Atonement which allows me to become new when i make that decision. i don't know what took me so long but i'm glad i'm finally connecting the dots and moving forward.
Photo hasn't been around much recently and it has been a source of anxiety, not because i want him around or gone, simply because his half existence in my life left me teetering and uncertain of what to think or feel. finally something in me could feel the end coming and i began to grieve before i realized what i was doing. the last week was the quickest i've ever worked through the grieving process. it started last wednesday with a little bit of denial, moved quickly to anger (spending most of my time there), then bargaining and depression, finally ending in acceptance through poetry and an email written on tuesday and wednesday nights. tuesday i wrote the following poem (it's not the best, but it sort of sums up some of my feelings):
broken hearts
i volunteered to break my heart
so yours could heal
what's the necessity of something
for something for nothing?
i thought it was more tenacious
after all, don't they say what's broken
grows back stronger?
and God knows
my heart should be steel by now.
i let you in too deep.
knowing from the start
it wouldn't last, never
expecting the end to be
so abrupt, so careless, so senseless.
i wasn't done loving you better.
your beginning, so intense, wanting
all of me too soon, too much
i should have known how the
fastest, hottest flames burn out
too effortlessly.
now i'm still trying to extricate you from
my raw, too feeling heart.
and you've not only cast me out
like i never existed in your heart
you've grasped a new hope
in both hands, habitually swiftly
but this time...i won't be there to
break myself for your pieces again.
last night Will and i went to a coffee shop called Alchemy to perform
for their open mic night. he's good at getting up in front of people,
playing his music and singing his songs. i've read my poetry in front
of people only a few times and it was always in classes or among my
writing peers so i was pretty nervous. i didn't take any
poems with me because it was a busy day and i didn't have a chance to
grab anything before i left the house. i need to start carrying some
around in my car or something i guess. when we got there and the list was
almost full i hoped they wouldn't have time for me. i was last and wanted to chicken out. but Will wouldn't let me; he
has been the greatest encouragement for my poetry and he insisted i read something. so i
wrote a poem while i sat there with him, listening to everyone else. this is the poem i wrote and read.
write you away
can i write you away?
send you from me in letters
addressed to no one and nowhere.
see you fade in words and
sentences on old parchment.
can i write you away?
describe your every detail
with such precision depiction
forms you into a page i can
tear in tiny pieces and blow
you into the surge, away.
can i write you away?
and with your face and hands
and over-strong arms can i
send all the cracks my heart
has collected, not only yours
can i write you away?
with every unforgiven stain still
tainting my should-be flawless
composition; erase to make room
i thought space lacked margins
but new words won't come until
i can write you away
every other line, his and mine
a hundred miles in space
isn't all that far away
but when my dog has gone grey
and the stars drop from their place
it's enough to break my heart
running away isn't easy as you think
your baggage always seems to grow
rivers and rocks reveal pond scum
and your friends have gone home
no heart wants to run away alone
we're closer to understanding cold fusion
the cold has fused my hand in yours
though your heart has died to free you
you'll never reach that universal shore
so i'll stay and give you heart more
i feel like it might need another stanza or some general tweaking, but it's interesting. i'm so grateful for Will and for the timing of last night. he has the most amazing influence on my creativity. he knows me and loves me and accepts me as i am. he has always been direct and honest with me, so he is the one man i completely trust. he encourages me to pursue my writing and he has become the standard of a good man in my life. i realized today that until i find another man who makes me think and feel the way Will does i won't be placing my heart in anyone elses's hands. that is the test for my future relationships. if he doesn't permeate my whole being with goodness, he's not the one for me.
i'm grateful for words. i'm grateful for lessons learned and for the constant opportunity to change the way i see the world and to move forward in a better direction. i'm grateful for Photo because from him i learned to be cautious, give information slowly and sparingly until trust has been earned and proven, and to let go when it's over. all my life i have wanted to hold tight to any person who comes within my sphere of existence. if i let them into my heart i don't want them to ever leave. i almost never walk away from people i care about, but it's time i start letting go when they do. now i'm free to write what i want to write, to pursue hope and peace and, with any luck, finally find the love of my life. if not in body, perhaps at least in word.
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