straight jacket

Sometimes I wish someone else could see the warning signs before I break down, I'd ask them to wrap me in a straight jacket and put a muzzle on me and lock me in a soundproof padded room until the mania ends.

Okay, so I'm not manic, just a bit too irrational sometimes. Stress, lack of sleep, inadequate diet, and pms are generally the triggers. Oh, and changes in weather and shifts in friend dynamics are generally circumstances with which I struggle. All of these factors fell in on me at once and I kinda freaked out. I'm pretty sure most people are generally unaware though. Some noticed I was more gloomy than normal, but mostly no one noticed, or cared.

I have made great progress from last year. A year ago I was vomiting every morning and sobbing for no apparent reason on a regular basis. I didn't have a job, I didn't like school much, I had few friends and pretty much no social life outside of The Artist. I hadn't written much of anything worthwhile in over two years. I've just been in a momentary slump the last couple of weeks, but I'm bouncing back.

Three of my four classes are over, I'm settling in at work and adore the girls I work with. Life will be much less stressful after next Wednesday when my last class ends. And really I'm not so stressed about that final, I have plenty of time to study and the teacher is cheering for our success.

I think I might disappear at the beginning of the year. I have loved being a part of my ward, but I feel a little stuck. The Artist has mentioned many times that I should check out his new ward, maybe that is the best idea. At least for a bit. Maybe a social shift is what I need. I don't know.

I've become socially enmeshed which seems to lead to emotional dependence on friends. I keep forgetting that it's not a good thing. I need to learn to stand on my own. I've been too weak for a while, but now I need to find my strength so I don't drive people away.

Things were really good for a while. This summer was one of the best of my life. Things were good until I had a bad reaction to going deep. I always thrived in the deep and personal, but this time it triggered a post-traumatic stress response and sent me spiraling. I haven't really experienced that before, so now that I know it's a possibility I'll watch out for it and try to avoid it.

My turn around was faster this time. I talked myself through it in under a week, I guess it was better because now I can move on.

I wish the gloom shrouding the sky would go away. It's easier to feel bright and sunny when the sun is actually visible. It's easier to feel depressed when the world looks depressed too. But I'm feeling better.