even in the best of relationship circumstances i tend to be skittish and hesitant. one therapist told me i have PTSD, mostly from the weasel, but also from my relationship with my parents from childhood. i am emotionally distressed; needy and anxious and terrified. so, last week when he was stressed and distant, my anxiety and history kicked in and i panicked. when i panic that way, my vision goes blurry and all i see is the lie that fills in between the lines of truth. i did my best to convince myself of the truth, that he still cares, that he was just taking care of things and then he'd be back to normal...but my heart wouldn't believe my head. it's been months since i've felt so depressed and so sad.
he makes me happier than i have been in a long time. which is why i've been resisting and trying to find reasons to not like him. i'm afraid to love anyone...but then once i do love them, i'm terrified to lose them. this week i realized that i do love him and so i am distraught over the idea of being without him.
last night i saw him for the first time in a week. his stress level had decreased so he was in a much better attitude. i, on the other hand, still felt like he was gone and not wanting me anymore. the moment i saw him i knew i was wrong, but it took a while for me to drop my guard again and let him hold me. i could feel his desire. i could feel him reaching out, wanting to take me in his arms or hold my hand, but i couldn't let him. i wanted to talk first. i wanted to tell him how afraid i was, how hurt i felt, how sorry i was for starting the whole mess in the first place...but other people were there so i couldn't say anything. half way through the movie i couldn't keep my distance anymore and i leaned into him, let him wrap his arms around me.
i can't go a week without being with the one i love. i can't go days without him or my brain goes fuzzy and i begin to doubt and fear and panic. i finally learned to trust Will, so even though i haven't seen him in a month, i know he's still my friend and that he still cares about me. but it took a lot of time and conversation and drama to get there. i don't trust easily. i don't trust quickly. i try, i do the best i can, but it takes time and consistency. i'm a brat and a hassle and i'm not worth loving (after all i put people through) and yet, every once in a while i find someone who does love me, despite all my quirks and trauma and drama. Bestest Friend and Will have conquered the gauntlet. i have two hopes with this new fella: i hope i can restrain myself from putting him through the extent of my psychosis, and i hope that whatever i do thrust upon him, he will take it in stride, forgiving me and loving me all the more along the way. and i will do my best to offer the same to him, whatever his idiosyncrasies and traumas may be.
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