walls

i need a job that pays more, and preferably one that offers benefits.  perhaps i made a mistake in quitting the credit union and going back to school.  it felt like the right thing at the time but now i'm broke, with enough debt to be concerned about my finances (though nowhere near as much as some), and no idea what to do with the degree i have.  i feel...incomplete...like i'm only half way, but i don't know how to move forward.  i don't want to rack up anymore debt and i don't have a clue what to study anyway, but more and more i feel like further education is included in the path ahead.  i'm really good at being a student.  i love learning and i usually make pretty good grades (especially since i figured out that it's better to focus my attention on the classes i like and just pass the ones i don't).  but i don't have career ambition driving my education so i it's difficult to justify going back to school when i really need to just find a job that pays the bills. 

if i were a character in a book or movie, i would suddenly come into a great deal of money which would provide me with a financial foundation on which to build the realization of all my dreams.  oh how i wish i were the heroine in a fictional story.  i would then be guaranteed all the things i currently lack: love, financial stability, and a happy ending.  alas, my life is not a storybook and i am no heroine.  i'm a weak, pathetic, needy, deeply flawed human being and therefore have no promise of true love, stability of any sort (financial or otherwise), and least possible of all, a happily ever after ending.  i've worked so hard for so many years just to find contentment and self-reliance, but at 31 years old, i'm still failing at both of those, despite immense effort.  i really am clinging to the edge of hopelessness, without any idea how to pull myself to safety.  i'm drowning in anxiety, searching for any sign of a lifeboat or even just a flotation device because i'm losing what little strength i have and won't be able to tread much longer without some sort of relief.  i just feel like there are too many forces against me and not enough behind me.  i don't know what to do and every direction i turn i just run into another wall, too high to climb over, too deep to tunnel under, too long to go around and too thick to break through.  i can't find the way alone...and i feel so very alone.