get into the deep beautiful melancholy of all that has happened

Over the past week I've been a little caught up in the negatives of life. I've been overwhelmed with discouragement and frustration; from all the stress came a bit of an emotional breakdown. One thing "they" always say in these situations is to count your blessings and you'll be overcome with gratitude and forget your stress and trouble.

I've discovered that sometimes it's better to indulge in the misery for a moment: vent, wallow, scream, cry, sleep, shut down, hide, avoid, ignore, etc. in a controlled environment. After the emotion is expended I can see more clearly.

Negative emotions are blinding; they are also a natural part of being human. Whenever I try to ignore or hide or bottle my negative emotions I end up feeling worse for a longer period of time. On the other hand, if I hold on too long, the sadness, frustration, discouragement and other feelings become bricks in the walls that cage me in...or ammunition to use as defenses. So, it's generally better to acknowledge them, feel them, then let them go rather than stuff them into a bottle.

Last week was not so good. I sensed the barrage from the beginning so I hunkered down and waited out the storm. This time I was able to see the signs. I'm becoming more attentive. This time was not me giving up, it was me indulging in the deep beautiful melancholy of all that's happened.

I'm searching for the roots. Instead of dealing with each moment as it came, I bottled it, shoved it down, packed it in, and bottled some more. It's so difficult to learn to cope with the new stuff when you're already so behind, buried under all the old stuff. So, I'm digging in deep this time. I need to root out all the old junk that I've been holding on to, then throw away the bottle and learn to deal with troubles as they come.

I have a purpose, specifically tailored to me. My trials and experiences have been preparing me for whatever the future holds.

Ok, so last week I indulged and got into the deep beautiful melancholy. Now it's time to stand up, brush myself off and start fighting again. I'm exhausted and wish I could quit, but there's a purpose. I just need to hold on to that thought. There is a purpose and when all is said and done, everything will work out for the best.

Good things are beginning to happen again. I'll start collecting the good moments.

Today I'm grateful for:

Home Teachers who are also friends
Ward Choir/Mr. Music
Bestest Friend
The Kid and Buddy Boy
UNO at Ward Prayer
The house to myself for two weeks
Insight
Central Air
Cheesy movies
Dear friends