tortured soul

how can i be a true artist if i can't be honest, even with myself?

by denying my true self, i am inhibiting my creativity and possible brilliance.

why are we taught to hide and be other than what we really are?

why are we taught to pretend, to lie, to suppress anything in us that does not conform to socially designated boundaries?

my self is in conflict. if i try to be who i am, i'm mocked, rejected, scorned. if i neglect myself i am abused, broken, left for dead.

i lose either way.

a new perspective could help.

i need a mentor to show me how to be myself without being punished for it. is that even a possibility?

i'm a good person: kind, caring, responsible, loyal, understanding...
but i've been through hell; now and then i find myself still standing on the ledge, feeling the heat, hoping and praying i won't be dragged back down.

tonight i'm emotional. life is weighing on me and i know it'll be okay, but tonight it's not okay.
i'm tired but can't sleep. i'm sad but can't cry. i'm hot and cold, empty and full, anxious and calm, focused and bemused.

there are friends i could call, i know i am loved and people care, but tonight i want to be alone. no one understands what it's like to be me. that's okay, it's the way of things. each of us are individuals, no one can fully understand what it's like to be any of us...but sometimes it would be nice to find someone who wants to try.

I'm watching a TV show that quotes philosophers and authors, etc. One of the quotes in this episode was by an English author I hadn't heard of before. I googled him and found a few more quotes. I'll be looking into him further because I feel a little better.

The quote from the TV show actually fits with my mood in a way.

"Fairy tales don't tell children that dragons exist, children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed." ~ G.K. Chesterton

Maybe I need to read more fairy tales...