Sleepless

It's 1am and I'm still awake even though there's a meeting at 7:30am.
Fear and avoidance keep me from sleep.
The insomnia is back.
Restlessness, frustration, worry, loneliness
an inability to breathe: heart and lungs are tight

I make progress then a new trigger sets me back again.
No one understands.
Avoid, hide, cover the eternal hurt with numerous coping mechanisms and a smile.
My words don't work right. I can't say what's wrong; I can't ask for what I need.

A few years ago I was progressing. Then I hit a wall (actually wall after wall, after wall) and the downward spiral began. Broken but in denial, I told myself I was okay, on the mend. But maybe I've been lying to myself, not just everyone else.

There is a well of hurt inside of me, it's been there for as long as I can remember. I don't know the source, I don't know how deep it goes or if there's an end. Sometimes it feels like a puddle, other times it's a surging flood. Right now I feel like I'm drowning, though to others I seem only to be sipping from a glass.

How can I look all right on the outside but feel so wrong inside?

I surround myself with people who would notice if I suddenly wasn't there. I don't want to draw attention to myself, that's why I smile, that's why I show up; that's why I'm responsible. Bestest Friend isn't around much these days, but she's still my anchor. The Kid and Baby give me another reason; Shygirl, Midgie, Velcro, The Artist, and maybe a few others. But some days...I really wish...

It's just after 2am now. I really want to sleep. I really want to rest. But what good will it do now?