Safe Places

When moods like my current one set in I start to feel very small and vulnerable. I want nothing more than just to curl up in someone's arms and rest for a while. Alas, right now I don't have anyone in my life to provide such comfort. So instead, I find places to go that provide as close to a feeling of safety as possible.

For reasons I don't understand, being around BMT makes me feel more at ease. All day I looked for opportunities to talk with him one-on-one (it's been over a month since we've had a good chat like we used to on Tuesday nights and I really miss that) but every time I thought I was finally getting a moment, someone came along to take it away. I don't even know that I want to say anything, it's a matter of having his undivided attention to get into a good conversation about anything really. I don't remember the last uninterrupted, good conversation with BMT, The Artist, or any guy for that matter. I tried to talk with my dad about some things today but I should remember that that never works.

I went early to church to do the program, hoping that would provide the desired moment, but Velcro came into the office and diverted all attention. After the programs were done I sat in the office until after the meeting started. BMT, Z-Train, Jones and I were all in the office.

After new member meeting I found a reason to stay in the office. I ended up curling up on a chair in the corner, wishing I could hide under the table so no one would make me leave. No one knew, I'm pretty good at putting on a mask and covering what's really going on inside. Brother H made me leave and go to RS. I was actually glad I did because the meeting was good. Our stake recently had a reorganization in the RS presidency and the new presidency gave the lesson. Sister P is still in the presidency, thank Heaven! She's pretty much my favorite woman I've ever met in my life. The other women were almost equally amazing.

The emotion I've been feeling but haven't been able to release burst the floodgate and rained from my eyes during the new RS President's talk. I wanted to sob and throw myself on the floor and kick and scream until I found relief. But of course that wasn't an option. So I just closed my eyes and let the tears seep through my lashes and stream down my cheeks, then wash over my hands. Velcro was sitting beside me and asked to hug me. RJ noticed me from across the room and came over after the meeting to offer her compassion. She is sweet.

By the time I got to ward choir I was feeling a bit better. We're singing next week, a variation of one of my favorite hymns: Be Still, My Soul. It's one of my "no worries" hymns. One phrase we sang over 5 times in a row in order to get it right. "Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; all now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below."

After choir practice I asked my new home teacher, choir director Mr. Music, for a blessing. I know it came from God. My heart was too tremulous to feel the peace right away, but the words were particular and meant for me. Simple, direct, compassionate and comforting. I didn't get any specific answers, not really, but I received some guidance and reassurance.

Right now nothing really makes sense. I feel like my whole life is halted. I can't move forward in any direction so I'm just making the best of where I am. I'm building friendships as well as relationships with family members; I'm making memories and recording experiences; I'm trying to repair damages and mend wounds; I'm helping those around me do the same; I'm seeking the Kingdom of God...I'm doing the best I know how. God will take care of the rest. There must be a purpose in this moment of waiting. Maybe someday I'll understand.

Sister P noticed my tears today and asked what was wrong. I told her it was just a difficult moment. She said, "I'm sad to hear that, you've had a lot of those...But it's making you stronger. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, you know." Yep, that's what they say. It hasn't killed me yet, so I guess I'll be about the strongest person who ever lived by the time I get out of this life. ;-)

Today my safe places were:

the clerk's office
Sister P's embrace
choir practice
under Mr. Music's hands
believe it or not, family dinner
ward prayer
texting with midgie
and now my bedroom, writing and listening to musicals

I hope sometime in the next couple of days I'll find a chance to chat with BMT. For reasons I don't understand, he's the friend I feel can help me out of this little blue funk I'm currently in...

Either way, I'm feeling a little better. I'm in God's hands...that's the message I keep getting, so I just need to figure out how to trust in that and in Him.