agency is not my favorite gift. they say it's important and that it's necessary and that we chose it before we came to this life. generally i guess i can see why it's so great. i don't like being bossed around all the time. sometimes it's fun to be able to make my own decisions...but the trouble i'm having with it right now is that i have some pretty major decisions to make and i just can't seem to figure out what to do. i want someone else to tell me what to do. yesterday morning i the stress of uncertainty overwhelmed me and i snapped. my dad asked if i wanted a muffin and i couldn't even make that decision. i wanted the muffin, but i knew there were only two left and if i ate it, chances were my dad wouldn't get one. that was the trouble i had with making that decision. i didn't want to inconvenience anyone, or deprive anyone by taking something someone else wanted.
my major decision right now is employment. i've never wanted a career. it's not that i am lazy or don't want to be self reliant, i'm actually very responsible and a good worker, the trouble is that i'm a little picky about what jobs i do because my priorities are a little different than most in society. i won't work on Sundays; that's one decision i made a long time ago and i won't slacken my resolve. i know there are professionals that are required to work on Sundays, and it's not a judgement thing, it's a personal choice and commitment between me and the Lord. i'd rather work doing something worthwhile, something i believe in. i've stayed at the bookstore for so long because we're not open on Sunday, we sell books, and they are books that support my beliefs and ideals. if they would give me a raise i'd probably stay forever. i do so much there, and my boss relies on me a lot, but upper management, for whatever reason, doesn't see the value in taking care of the front line workers. i have never understood that. the front line is what makes and keeps customers. we're the ones who do the work that fortifies the foundations and keeps the company stable and functional. the best way to build a successful business is to hire dependable, hard working and dedicated employees, and take good care of them so they take good care of the customer base. when morale drops, sales and other productivity drops too. when morale is high, the business thrives.
i'm worn out. i'm completely frayed and falling apart. my body aches and i feel like i'm 91 instead of 31. i can't sleep, i'm exhausted and anxious all the time...my credit is nearly maxed out and i'm barely making my student loan payments. my kind boss gives me as many hours as she can; she's always trying to help me out and i really appreciate it, but i haven't really had a day off in a long time and it's taking a toll. i need a less physically and emotionally taxing job.
last week i had two interviews with the store at the Church History Museum. it's a lot like what i do now, only it pays better and it's downtown and The Church would be my employer. i felt really good about the first interview, but not so good about the second interview, and now i'm not sure i'll take the job even if it's offered. my boss is more than willing to work around whatever hours they want to schedule me (if they hire me) and it would be a great influx to my finances, but i don't know if my body and sanity can handle working two jobs. i'm less and less sure i'm even going to be offered the job. i don't know what to do. i'd like to find a job that's not retail, not customer service in any way. i'd like a low-stress job in a quiet room where i can just listen to my iPod, do my work, and get paid enough to pay off my debts and not have to worry all the time about how i'm going to make ends meet. but what kind of job is that? what do i look for? where do i find a job like that? i really don't know what to do.
who wants to make my career decisions for me? all i want is to be a work at home mom and raise my own family. that's all i've ever wanted and for the life of me, no matter how hard i try, i can't come up with another dream. and yet, try as i might, i can't find a husband either. i feel so trapped. i feel like the decision isn't mine after all. i can't make someone hire me. i can't make someone love me. i can't make upper management give me a raise or value me or treat me with respect. all i can do is my best and trust that the Lord with somehow fill in the rest. i've always been taken care of...most of the time just barely getting by, but i do always get by. i'm trying not to stress. i'm trying to have faith. i'm failing at both right now, but i'm working through it. somehow, someday, things will get better. i just wish i could find my place.
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