The last paper I wrote for Bio Comp is what sent me spinning. It barely even scratched the surface, but the attempt at a dive sent me spinning. Now I can't seem to breach the surface again. But it earned me an A. It was the first paper I really felt, completely. I hate that I have to feel in order to write anything worth reading. The only feelings I have to write from are pain, loss, and insufficiency...and darkness. The best way for me to get an A on my next paper and in the class is to expound this story...but I'm not sure what that will do to my sanity.
On the one hand, writing the story and allowing it to be read and validated by my classmates and teacher might be just what I need to finish working through it and finally get over it. On the other hand, it might just pull me in and trap me under the depths, irretrievably...unless I'm already there.
Tonight was not so good. It was my mistake. I let myself hope that Thursday was not an exception, but the new rule. I let myself hope that...well, it doesn't matter what I hoped for, what matters is that things did not go at all the way I hoped, quite the opposite actually. The funny thing is that Fozzy was the one who noticed and cared...but I don't know him well enough yet to explain...and now he thinks I'm mad at him. I can't articulate when I'm in that place. I can't explain that it's not about what it seems to be about. I'm complex and I'm sentimental and I'm sensitive...and sometimes that part of me just doesn't play well with others. Niffer, Pacman, and The Artist were my saving grace...and after the fact, so was Fozzy.
I'm tired and hungry and emotional...so I'm going to bed now and maybe things will look better in the morning. And maybe I'll figure out another way to get an A in my class. Or maybe I'll find a way to get through it on my own without letting it drag me down and drown me.
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