Yesterday was a strange day. Too much sleep, too much alone time, not enough food, not enough contact with the sane world. I guess I got a little lost inside myself. In that place where nothing is logical I don't know how to reach outside myself and ask for help. So my deranged brain came up with a reality (based on personal history) that was completely inaccurate. Lucky for me, the victim of my delusion wasn't lying when he said he doesn't scare easily.
I need to learn to call people when I start feeling that way. I can't change my thought process on my own. Once the lie takes root in my brain, it spreads so quickly that I lose sight of reality. Not all reality, just where that one thought is concerned.
The situation went like this:
Sunday I asked if we could go to his cousin's photography exhibit together (last night was opening night), and he said yes. I didn't mention it the rest of the week, I didn't even really talk with him at all since Monday. The darkness started closing in on Thursday night and the lie took hold. He never initiates contact anymore, he would much rather go to the show with someone else, he would rather I disappear and not talk to him anymore. He wouldn't even notice if I did. He's going to forget that he said we could go together and he'll bale on me. Yesterday all these thoughts kept swirling in my mind until I ended up in tears of disappointment without any real foundation. I finally sent him a text, asking what time he was going to go to the show. He didn't respond until he tried to call me, but I was at work by then and couldn't answer. He didn't leave a message.
By this time a couple other people had texted me and asked if anything was going on. So I sent a text saying that we would meet at my house at 7:45pm to go to the exhibit. I sent the message to him as well and he responded with, "I'm up in Layton right now and i'm going to stop by on my way back. I might see you there." That sent me over the edge. I wasn't very nice in my response, though I could have been more mean, I was more just depressed. "I had a feeling you forgot. I'm sorry, I'll stop bugging you. Have fun in Layton." He responded, "I didn't actually. I've just been running around like crazy today trying to get stuff ready for tomorrow." I commented that it was just bad timing with his one-track mind, wished him luck on getting things done, and told him to let me know if he needed any help. He said, "I suck" to which I responded, "You know that saying that doesn't get you off the hook, right? And you don't suck." By that time we were almost at the exhibit. The next text I got from him asked, "Where you at?" He beat us to the exhibit.
I felt bad for giving him a hard time. I really should have handled the situation differently. I was in sabotage mode. I get that way when I really care about a guy. I try to push him away to see if he really cares, to see if he will stay even when I'm a little crazy or a little unkind. I don't do it on purpose. I sit there screaming at myself in my head, trying to force myself to stop, but it doesn't work.
I don't trust men. I don't believe that any exist who are honest and loyal, and who can love me. So far, he is and he does. People call him a flake, but he hasn't let me down yet, not when I most need him to follow through. A text or a phone call from him to say that he had remembered and might be late, or would need to meet me there would have been helpful, but he's a guy and doesn't think of that sort of thing. I'll teach him. I taught The Artist that. I think part of my purpose in the lives of these bachelors is to teach them some of these common courtesies.
We had a nice time at the exhibit. He was a little stressed because he still needed to get some things done for today, especially when he realized he'd left something in Layton that he really needed so he had to leave early to go get it. I felt bad for razzing him. Later I sent him a text apologizing for being a jerk and thanking him for making time for me even though he was so stressed. I wasn't expecting a response because it was late and he doesn't do well with responding anyway, but he did.
His response was, "No troubles bubbles."
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