Intuition

Sometimes my feelings are difficult to distinguish. I'm in one of those moments right now. I feel like something is coming, and I'm not sure what. It doesn't feel ominous exactly, but I'm not sure I'm going to like whatever it is. Things are shifting and I'm trying to be open to whatever is coming, see the change as opportunity instead of loss but I'm having a hard time with it.

I want social stability but there's no such thing, especially when you're a young single adult. People are so transient in this phase of life, they come and go so quickly sometimes; if not physically moving around, then emotionally shifting from one social group to another. Maybe I have new people coming into my life, but that doesn't mean I'm ok losing the ones who have been around for a while. I guess I'm feeling a little left behind and I don't understand why. I don't understand how people who once claimed to care, and who claimed to love me could suddenly turn around and decide to ignore and reject me. They get new friends, who (for reasons I don't understand) don't even give me a chance, don't even try to get to know me, and I lose the friends who claimed to care. It hurts, but what can I do? I wish they would come right out and tell me why they no longer want to be my friend instead of just disappearing or treating me with silence.

I don't like that I can feel people leaving before they actually do; it makes me miss them longer. It's difficult to miss someone when they are sitting right beside you, and yet, I do. I care too much about other people so it's hard for me to understand when others don't care about me. I take care of others, so it's hard to understand why I don't have someone there to take care of me.

It's taken over a year, but I'm finally ready for a new relationship. It's been fun having a social group again, being single and doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without having to consult a significant other...but now I'm tired of making all the decisions alone. My hands are cold and weary of being empty. My heart is lonely and my arms ache to hold someone again. I miss having someone who wants to talk to me all the time. I miss being adored and I miss that look in a guy's eye that sends a tingle up my spine and lets me know he's going to kiss me. Mmm, I miss kissing. I miss the giddy excitement and the warm contentment of just being...with him...but I don't miss any of the "hims" from my past...I miss being in a relationship and I'm ready to begin a new one.

The trouble is finding someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.

I'll admit, I hoped for a moment that something would develop with Gonzo because my writing has never been so deliciously inspired by anyone ever! But I knew at the first inkling of romantic notion (on my part) that we're only meant to be friends. Just to be sure, though, I asked him two weeks ago if he's ever had feelings for me. He said no, without hesitation, and that was that. I wanted to talk more about it but I lost my words. Last week I finally found my words. We talked and I'm content. I wish we'd known each other longer. I wish we'd had more time to develop a more significant friendship. Now I feel like it's too late. I mean, we're close...kind of. But the depth of friendship I want with him feels kind of unlikely. He doesn't need me. I need his creative influence, I want his compassion and dear caring heart, but it seems I could disappear tonight and he wouldn't really notice.

Then again, maybe he cares more than I see. The Artist keeps telling me that people care about me more than they are able to show or say. I'm pretty up front about how I feel about people. I make a point of telling them how much I love them because I don't want them to feel lonely or like no one cares. But I'm not who they want...

Well, I've tangented now, a lot. Um, the point is, I feel like something is coming (and/or going) and I'm trying to be open-minded and positive. I hope it's a new relationship. I hope it's deeper friendship. I hope it's good stuff. I hope it's better intuition, or better understanding of my intuition. La la, oh well. Que sera sera. Life is good and getting better all the time.