Theory of Friendship

I've been dreaming a lot recently. I'm not sure why, other than that I've had some things on my mind and it's my subconscious's way of working things out when my conscious can't. Most, if not all, of the dreams I've had in the last two weeks have had appearances by one particular person. I've never dreamed of him before, not that I can recall anyway, but he's been my subconscious's central focus for at least the last couple of weeks.

Last night I asked him to come over so I could try (for the fifth time in two weeks) to talk with him in an attempt to settle myself where he's concerned. I immediately tried to convince myself he wouldn't come...but he did. I have this irrational fear that if someone is important to me, or if I particularly care for someone, he (it's generally only guys that this happens with) will suddenly decide he doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm constantly afraid of "scaring guys away" by my too-niceness, or that they will find out about my struggles with depression and anxiety and decide I'm "too much" for them.

This has been my fear concerning this friend, even though he's told me before that he's not going anywhere. I needed to know but didn't know how to ask. All my life I've been looking for a particular kind of friend. The Artist comes very close, but there are certain aspects of this friend that he doesn't quite possess. The more I get to know this other guy, however, the more I see in him the person I've been hoping would come around. I told him of my fears and he just smiled and told me (once again) that he doesn't scare easily. I asked his theory of friendship, and he said he doesn't really have one, that he'd never thought about it. But then he told me a story of a friend who had become "too much" and his philosophy was made clear. And it meshes very well with my own.

Of course he's not exactly the friend I've been dreaming of forever, that person is an ideal and therefore no one will ever live up to all my qualifications, but my dear friend showed me last night that he is pretty much as close as I'm going to get. I've actually known it for months, but I keep trying to convince myself to the contrary. Despite all evidence, I could not believe that my hope had finally been realized. He's in my heart as deep as it goes and I am beyond grateful for his influence in my life.

So between him and The Artist, and a few others, I'm content for now. I don't like that I'm still single, I'd much rather be married and having babies, but that's not what is right in my life yet. So, I'll be grateful for my friendships and keep the hope that one day another amazing man will come into my life and be the other guy I've been dreaming of and hoping for. Maybe I'm getting closer. I don't know. Maybe there are still too many friends who need me. I don't know. All I know is that I'm so grateful for who I do have around me in this moment.

P.S. I'll call him Peter from now on. I know it seems like a funny nickname, but it makes sense to me.