Sand in the Glass

Sometimes I think it would be nice to go back in time and fix some of the mistakes I've made, or simply make other choices in order to pursue a different path. Then, as I start tallying all the moments I want to change, I realize there are too many of them. I might as well break the glass altogether and watch the sand blow away in the wind.

So, instead of worrying about the past, I need to learn to live in the present and make better choices now so I won't keep looking back with the desire to change what has been. There are actually very few things I would change about the last eight years or so.

About eight years ago around this time is when I finally crawled out from the shell I'd been hiding under all my life and decided to actually LIVE! In that time so many fantastic people have come into my life, some of whom are still around, many of whom have moved on to new places. I've enjoyed many great experiences and I have learned and changed so much over the years. With few exceptions the last eight years have been the best of my life.

Right now the only thing I wish I could change is something I have been working on for longer than the last eight years. I've made progress, I'm much better than I have ever been before, but I'm still so inept in this particular area that it's difficult to see how I will ever be able to overcome. The trouble is that I need outside help. I've struggled with it for so long on my own that I realize I can't do it alone. But where can I find the help I need? I have some ideas, but I'm not sure how to ask.

I feel the need to explain, but I haven't had the words. Maybe it's not important. Maybe none of this is actually as big or as significant as I'm making it out to be? I just don't know. I really have no idea what's going on and it's driving me a little crazy. I'm not really sure how to figure it out without talking about it, but I don't know how to talk about it without risking a negative result. I wish I could just stop thinking about it, stop feeling about it, and just move on to something else. Ugh! I want to be done with this already.

Can I just drop a few more pieces of sand and come out on the other side of this predicament? Please? I want to see how this turns out so I know how to get there without making too many more mistakes along the way. If only it worked that way.