i should probably change the name of this blog to pity party central or something. i know i whine and complain a lot. i'm like a broken record...i try not to be so negative but i just don't know what else to do with myself. i'm not like this in person. i'm actually a lot of fun most of the time. even when i complain in person i usually make the people laugh while i'm trying not to cry. i'm afraid i've lost some of my sense of humor recently. funny thing is that my life isn't really so bad...compared to some anyway. i have enough food, a nice place to live, people who care about me, many of the comforts of middle class America. and yet, i'm not happy. most of the time i am downright depressed. but i'm in the middle of that somewhere too. i'm not depressed enough that i can't function (most of the time). i get up, go to work, hang out with friends, move about like a normal human being...but most of the time it's just going through the motions, the bare bones of existence.
i collect pieces of life that i cling to, hoping that they will be enough to keep me going one more day. i cling to people like lifelines, afraid i'll sink and drown if i don't have someone to hold not to. but no one sticks around for long. i'm working on letting go. i don't call and text Bestest Friend or Will every day anymore...i try not to contact them much at all...they're content in their current lives which no longer include me on a daily basis. it's ok. i'm happy for them...i miss them...but i'm happy for them. i don't want to burden or hold back anyone. for a while i was a daily fixture in Photo's life. we still exchange a handful of texts a day and see each other now and then, but i feel like he doesn't love me, doesn't want me. there's a barrier keeping us apart in some ways, but it seems to be keeping us apart in more ways than it needs to. at least in my mind. maybe he didn't actually love me like he said. if he loved me then, why does he suddenly not love me now? we have terrible communication. i don't remember the last time we had a real face to face conversation...you know, meaningful and sincere. i don't really remember the last time i had that kind of conversation with anyone actually...no wonder i feel so void and pointless...and unloved.
i sometimes feel like an anchor, like i hold people in a safe place for a while but then instead of pulling me in and taking me with them when they are ready to move from that place, they cut me off and leave me stuck in the muck in the murky deep. i provide some sort of safety and stability for them but when they are done they leave me behind. and i am left, untethered and adrift. i can't find my place in this world. i can't figure out where to be or what to do. where do i belong? what is my purpose in life? do i even have a purpose? i'm supposed to have the answer...but it doesn't seem to fit in my existence...i don't fit in that box. i try so hard to do what's "right" but it just makes me feel more wrong and lost and alone. but doing what's "wrong" doesn't really make things better either. i don't know what to think or feel or do these days. i don't know how to function so i spend most of my time in distraction just trying to survive until i'm allowed to go.
it's nearly 1am so i should try to sleep. i have been sick, though and now it's moving to my throat and lungs which means that if i try to sleep i will end up coughing and not sleeping. unless i take medicine...but i've taken nyquil 3 nights in a row and i'm feeling the hangover...and the depression that tends to come with the medication. so maybe i'll just stay up all night? i don't know. i wish i had someone to talk to, or hold on to, or...but i don't. in the night time, i don't have anyone...except this space. so maybe we'll call this pity party central or woes and ravings of an insomniac. or maybe just the not-so-fantastic funk.
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