birthday wishes

"what do you want for your birthday?" is always a difficult question for me to answer. this year i need money for new tires and to register my car, and for Boston in 6 months. B&N gift cards are always appreciated. but all i really want is all i ever really want...quality time with the people i most adore. i want to feel loved and wanted and adored. i want to feel safe and at home and comfortably not alone. i want hugs and just to be held. i want the horrible aching, cavernous emptiness inside of me to feel full for just a little while. i want to be the priority. i want to be treated like the most important person...just for a moment...like i matter more in that moment than anything else; like people care that i was born, like life is better because i'm alive. i know i should be able to find that assurance and confidence in myself, without needing to hear it from someone else, but i'm not there yet and a person is supposed to be fussed over and made to feel special on their birthday.

i want Will, Photo, HeyPay, Chelle, The Artist and Nat, D-Ham, Packman and Niffer, Pola and Pants...i want others too, all the people i have ever cared about and spent any sort of quality time with...the ones mentioned a couple posts ago "happiness is" but that's not possible. i'll take what i can get i suppose. i'll be grateful for what i get.
Will won't be there. i miss him most. i don't like living without him but i've learned to accept his absence...as i have accepted the absence of so many others i would rather have not lost. but life is loss. i prayed so hard that someone else would come before Will went away becaus i knew that loss would be harder to bear than most...though i can't really explain why. he gave me something i've never found anywhere else, something that made life easier, better, more inspired when i was with him. i don't know that i'll ever find that kind of influence again. i thought i found someone close, someone to at least ease the ache of deep loss, if not bring greater comfort and inspiration, but it seems i was wrong. i'm alone. no Will (except once a month or so), no one to fill the emptiness.

i don't want to get out of bed. i do because i have bills to pay and going to work often makes me feel i little worth living (especially when i work with my favorite coworkers). but i'm not living. i'm going through the motions, surviving on the vague hope that someday someone will come and give me a reason to revive. i want love. Christmas, my birthday, and every second of every day all i ever want is  sincere and constant love. the one thing i'm not allowed.

so, tires, books, music, trinkets, whatever. i don't want things, i have things. i want time and truth and heart.