mountains

sometimes faith gives us power to move mountains...sometimes, most times it seems, faith gives us strength to accept that the mountain has to stay and we have to find a way to move ourselves instead.

these days i'm not so good at moving myself. i keep hoping the mountain that that tower over me, threatening to crumble and crush me, will go antagonize someone else. but they are my mountains and i need to accept it and find a way to climb over, tunnel through, or burrow under. i've been sitting in the shadowy valley too long. i don't know which way to go, and my energy to try is terribly low. i need to find a reason. 

at my work there's a plaque that says "find something you would die for and live for it." 

what would i die for? and how can i turn it around and make it my reason to live instead? i need something to fight for, some hope to keep me here on solid ground, to make me move and continue moving throughout my time on this earth. lately i've been wishing to move on out of this life. it's too much, too overwhelming, and i'm too depleted, too tired. but i'm still here, which indicates that it's not time to move on in that direction...so what can i live for? what can i strive for? what can i hope for that will make me want to stay in this life? i've been stuck in basically the same place for so long i  feel like i'll never catch up or move toward where i want most to be. i don 't know what else i can do to get there. maybe i should get the hint that where i want to go is not available to me, may never be. 

that is my major mountain. my Everest is motherhood. it's all i've ever wanted, and every day that passes covers me with more shadows of doubt and fear that it won't be allowed. i can't find a well-paying job, or a man to love me enough to want a family with me...so how can i raise a child? maybe i would be a terrible mother. maybe it's one of those blessings in disguise that i am denied this dream. but i don't think so. every instinct i have is motherly. that is why i am so depressed and unable to move either the mountain or myself. what is there to live for if i cannot fulfill the one role i was born to hold?

all around me people are getting married, having babies, and leaving me behind. i want to be with them on the other side of this insurmountable edifice of crag and ice and pain. 

believe it or not i had intended this to be an inspiring and uplifting post about faith and the unconquerable spirit...clearly i have not gotten to that part of the trial where my faith has triumphed. i'm working on it though, and feeling a bit more optimistic than i was last week. i'm not in utter dispare, just uncertainty and exhaustion.

i will find a way over, under, or through this (and all other) mountain...and a small part of me does still cling to the hope that someday in the not too distant future i will find that love of my life and finally be able to begin my own family.

in the mean time, i'll try to convince myself that i'm satisfied being the favorite auntie (or honorary auntie) to a bunch of adorable children (three of whom will be staying with me this week while their parents go to Hawaii)! life is an adventure and i need to force myself to get out there more and experience it...it 's just more fun to adventure when you're not alone. sigh...