fading away

i miss him. i wish i didn't care, it would make the silence easier. but it's never easy because i always care...too much. it seems he's losing interest; too complicated, too much else going on so he doesn't have time or room for me. just proves my point, i'll never be his main concern.  after all i've been through, i think i deserve to be someone's every thought and desire...maybe not. maybe that's another fictitious ideal instead of a romantic possibility. yeah there are barriers and boundaries right now, but i hoped it would make us closer in the non physical ways, better friends on which to build more later...all it's done is make him more distant and disinterested.  because everything else in his life is terrible and falling apart, he forgets that i could be the one good thing in his life.  i won't stick around to be ignored and forgotten then picked up when he's not so distracted anymore, i've been there too many times and i deserve better than that.  i deserve to be wanted and adored and appreciated for treating him so well and standing by him regardless of all the debris falling all around him.  but there is no more "morning" and very few words during the day...maybe a "good night"...eventually.  i wait for him to say something, but he doesn't.  i've been particularly depressed but i can't talk to him about it, mainly because i don't think he really cares to know.  i can't talk to people who don't care because i need people to listen and show they love me before i can tell them my heart...except here i guess.  well, i figure only people who care read this regularly, whether they have anything to say about it or not.  maybe i'm wrong, probably i'm wrong.  i'm usually wrong about a lot of things.

yesterday at work a guy who was not unattractive came in. he was a little taller than me, about my average size in body, with moppy blond hair and a kind smile.  i asked if i could help him but he gestured that he was deaf.  we fumbled through a fractured conversation of gestures and smiles, nodding and the few signs i know.  he said the pictures i was hanging on the wall were nice.  i smiled and continued with my work.  he walked away.  then he came back and tried signing.  i didn't understand so he tried finger spelling...which i still didn't quite catch.  i pulled my notebook and pen from my apron pocket and handed them to him.  expecting him to ask for a product we carry, i was surprised when the words "want to hang out sometime?" were scribbled there.  i smiled and wrote, "thank you but i have a boyfriend."  kind of a lie i guess, but i think it's kinder than just a flat rejection, that way leaves the impression of "if i weren't already involved with someone else i would go out with you" or something like that.  i wrote it with an apologetic smile.  he was smiling and kind and gracious.  he wrote something else that i didn't really understand (his handwriting was not very good in my little notebook).

maybe i should have said yes.  i don't know.  it took me by surprise, especially since i was having a not so good appearance day (my lip is still not quite healed from the cold sore, my face is blotchy and my hair is frizzy, plus i probably looked tired because i didn't sleep well and i had to work at 8am which i'm not used to doing these days).  he didn't introduce himself or specify that he wanted to go on a date...and i'm going back to my no just hanging out with new guys rule.  the real kicker is that i have enough trouble communicating with guys who at least share the same language, let alone someone whose language is different from my own.  on the other hand, maybe i should forget about trying to communicate...i don't know.  i'm just tired of the whole dang thing.

after he left, i was telling my coworker what happened and my boss overheard the conversation, so of course she had to put her two cents in.  she said she'd been watching him because he kept looking over at me and he had a puffy jacket so she thought he was trying to steal.  i guess that's one way to get away with theft, agitate the sales associate to distract her from your real purpose.  that would make more sense than him really being interested in me i guess.  sigh, oh well.

maybe i should try harder to fade away.  i wish i could just disappear into a wispy spirit so i don't have to deal with aches of the body or troubles of the soul anymore.  i still don't know what i'm going to do to make more money.  i've been looking and applying for jobs but it's so difficult and depressing.  i never say the right things and/or my timing is off.  i just don't know what to do and i want to stop worrying and just believe it'll work out, but what if it doesn't?  what if i never figure out how to be a fiscally responsible adult?  i've very responsible in just about every other way, but employment is a weak spot for me...it's probably something psychological, but i can't figure out what the problem is.  i'm a good worker once i'm in a job, it's just finding a job that's the trouble.

sorry, i'll stop rambling and complaining now.  i guess that positivity or nothing goal didn't last for long. i'm just trying to talk things out i guess.  thanks for listening.