"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." Matthew 7:7-8.
this scripture has come up in a lot of my study and reading recently. i feel so lost and blocked, like the answers are far away and the doors are all locked. actually, i'm having trouble even finding a door to knock. i just feel so stuck in life and i don't know how to get unstuck.
i'm really frustrated with my job situation. i will never understand upper management. they never seem to get it that the best way to increase business and sales and such is by taking great care of their front line workers. we are not peons or minions to be pushed around and neglected and stepped on, we are the face of the company, we are the ones who take care of the customers so they continue to give us their business. we are the ones who do the real heavy lifting in a business, so we should be well taken care of by the people who are in charge. we deserve better pay and better working conditions. but how do you tell them that? how do you get them to see why the business fails without us? their pride and egos won't allow them to see how important we are. it drives me nuts! so, my frustration about that, added to the fact that i am barely able to pay my bills means i really need a new job, asap! i can't give so much of myself to a company that doesn't even notice or care that i exist.
i'm frustrated with relationships too. i'm frustrated with myself for hoping and trusting and opening up again...i want so much to find a particular kind of friend, and also a guy who will love me enough to put me at the top of his priority list, but all i keep getting are guys who are too wrapped up in their own lives and problems that all they do is use me and toss me aside. my needs are rarely, if ever even acknowledged, let alone addressed. so i am left empty and aching. i always think they are going to be different, but they never really are. i just want to be noticed, cared for, loved...but all i do is give and get little to nothing in return. i can't even get so much as a decent hug, a significant moment of time, a listening ear or shoulder to lean on. i'm the one who does all the listening and supporting and giving. i wish i could just stop giving, stop caring, just hide away from all the world so i can figure out how to take care of myself, since no one else will ever be there to take care of me.
how do i trust that God really cares and is there for me when i have never met a man i could really trust? i have no examples of men who are caring and more concerned about me than anything else. i have no examples of faithfulness, enduring kindness or compassion toward me, consistent care or support or encouragement or guidance. my faith is not yet strong enough to go on blind belief and hope. i'm losing hope. i have no trust left in me...i don't think...i'm trying not to give up on everything, but it's hard when life is so confusing and heartbreaking. i keep asking, seeking and knocking...i really hope i receive, find, and open soon or i don't know how i'll find the energy or desire to get out of bed anymore.
i need a major change in my life. i need a new job, a new friend/love, a change of scenery...something!
right now i really wish i could find a guy friend who knows how to listen and give a really good hug when i need it. i wish i could find a guy i can actually really trust. i don't understand why that's asking too much.
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