Bestest Friend always saves my life. she and Shygirl came over tonight. they are the main reason i hold on when i'd rather close my eyes and drive off a cliff. i still want to quit but i know i never will...not while Bestest Friend's alive anyway.
but they're gone now and, once again, as always, i'm here alone in the middle of the night wishing for a way to be brave and faithful instead of afraid and depressed. how do i convince myself that someday i won't be alone? or that i'm ok alone? how do i convince myself that someday a man will love me when no man ever has...or how do i convince myself that it doesn't matter if i'm never loved by a man...? i'm still loved by many, right? even though i'm alone in the night, i'm not alone in the world...right? i'm just not sure. it's an obsession, i know, i don't know how to stop it. reminders are everywhere. companionship, love, family, and romance are everywhere. books, tv, movies, music, church, walking down the street, facebook; everything, everywhere is a reminder of how incredibly alone i am, how undesirable i am. how do i get away from it...or at least deflect it when it seeks to blind me? how do i hold on to self worth and courage and hope when i'm being barraged, not only from outside sources, but when my own brain is against me? fighting the world every day is so tiring...but what's more exhausting is fighting myself every second of every day for my entire life...alone. i just can't do it anymore.
but i don't have a choice. i'm stuck with me. i guess it's not fair to hope that someone will love me enough to put up with the darkness inside of me. the thing is, it's not so dark when someone is there to hold me, to remind me that i'm ok, to be kind and attentive. i can't do it alone, but when i have someone, just there, beside me, i can fight my demons without being a burden. i just need someone there to hold my hand, to wrap his arms around me when i'm scared, to let me know i don't have to do it alone anymore. but where is he? ugh! why can't i stop? why can't i just stop caring, stop wanting, stop hoping...? i'm in this alone, i need to just accept it. i wish i weren't allergic to animals, maybe a puppy or a kitty or some other furry little friend would help me get through. just can't catch a break.
anyone have any suggestions for making it through those darkest moments like the one i'm in now? i've tried therapy, numerous times. i've tried medication, exercise and diet, distraction, scriptures and prayer...nothing works, at least not for long, not as well as having someone else there...i don't know how much longer i can hold on alone. i'm afraid one of these endless nights it's going to get the better of me, overwhelm me, take me. who will save my life that night?
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