i'm really sorry. i've been stuck in an attitude of complaint, so very sorry about that. life is hard for everyone, i know that and complaining or venting or whatever doesn't really help much. today i am going to try to focus on what i have instead of what i lack.
despite all my whining about not having anyone who truly cares, i actually do have a few people, active in my life who do make my life worthwhile. Bestest Friend called me on Sunday night. it's been a while since we've had the chance just to talk. i really don't like phone conversations, but she is one of the few people i can talk to. i told her the things that are wrong in my life and apologized for complaining. she said not to apologize because she called to see how i really am, not to hear me lie and sugar coat my troubles.
then there's Brit. she lives a few hours away so i don't see her very often, but she's good at noticing when i'm struggling and she texts me, asks me about it. i know i can be honest with her. she always has some good insight and encouragement. Hey Pay and Chelle are dear friends...they are both busy with work and school right now, but they are my single girl friends who understand and share my frustrations in singlehood. we have great fun when we're together. D-Ham is my weekend friend. he keeps me going to church (since we're in the same ward and carpool). he is my Monday movie night buddy, the one i can rely on to be there nearly every Monday night. then there's Photo. he's complicated. i want more from him. i let my expectations get a little out of control with him because he said he loved me, that he cared and wanted to be there for me. well, i'm pretty sure he doesn't love me anymore, and he hasn't been so good at "being there" mostly because he has a lot of troubles of his own...but he does care to the extent he is currently able, and he does text me every day. not as often as before, and there's not as much substance in a text conversation as there is in the personal, face-to-face conversations i crave, but it's something. i do wish he would give more time and attention, a better listening ear and friendlier shoulder to lend me, but i'll try to be more grateful for what he is willing and able to give.
my need for companionship, friendship, affection, attention, etc. has been building and intensifying and compounding for 31 years. it's unrealistic of me to hope that can ever be fully satisfied or even significantly diminished...maybe someday...the point is, i have, and have had, and will have plenty of people in my life who contribute to my search for happiness. when i am with people i adore is when i am happiest. i stay at my job because i love the people i work with and i know they love me too. i stay at my parents' house because they care and my sister brings her kids over often. i love my nieces and nephews more than almost anyone. if i can't have children of my own, i am grateful that i at least have some pretty great kids in my life. they love me. i am the favorite auntie, at least for my sister's kids.
in a time when so many people feel that their only recourse is to stand on a corner with a sign, begging for help from strangers, i am grateful to have steady employment. it will never make me wealthy, and i am barely able to pay my bills, but i am making it well enough so far. i am grateful that i have parents who are willing and able to let me stay in their house so i don't have to live in a shelter or on the side of the road. i am grateful that i have food to eat, hot water to wash my clothes and body, pillows, blankets, movies, tv, internet. i have all the comforts of living in the first world...and my problems are those of that world and not third world problems. my body has it's problems but it is not riddled with disease or malnourished or tortured and twisted and disabled.
i'm grateful for the education i have been able to earn. i am grateful for the ability to read and write, for a brain that functions well enough to live a relatively normal life. i am grateful for books and poetry and art and music and nature and all the beautiful and intriguing things that make like worthwhile.
today i am grateful for the trials and troubles i have because they could be so much worse...and supposedly they are making me better and stronger and forming me into a much more awesome and amazing person than i am now.
thank you for reading. thank you for continuing to read even though you've had to wade through a lot of negativity and whining. i keep promising i won't be so negative and i keep breaking that promise. i'm sorry. i will try, but i'm not going to make anymore promises. i am who i am and i sometimes can't contain the depression and pain that overwhelm me sometimes. i'm sorry. i'm always willing to listen. message me or text or comment or contact me however you want if you need someone to talk to. i know i complain about always being the one to listen, but i really care about people and i like listening if it helps people...and you listen to me by reading what i write here. thank you for caring enough to check in on me.
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