maybe Harry (When Harry Met Sally) was right, guys and girls can't be friends. my heart is broken and aching tonight not because i found out he's not in love with me, i've known that for a while (in fact, i'm not convinced he ever really loved me at all). it's not about romance. it's about realizing, yet again, that no one will ever understand me or my heart. it's about realizing that i will never have the FRIEND i so dearly wish and hope and ache for because of that. all this time i've thought Photo and i were moving into that kind of friendship but i should have known that's not possible because men are idiots who don't listen and think with a different part of their anatomy than they should.
my heart is too loving. words are so inadequate because i don't think the word "love" is the best representation for what i'm trying to express. that word has been twisted and tainted and cloned in too many different ways and for too many different purposes and has lost all it's purity. to love someone doesn't always mean you are romantically (and actually "romantically" is another word that isn't used as it ought to be, but that's a different post) interested in them. to love someone means that you care about their life and well being and that you would do whatever you could to help them to be happy. i can (romantically) fall in love with just about any man who claims to have those feelings for me. as soon as i realize they don't have those feelings for me, however, i take them out of the "romantic love" pocket of my heart and put them into the "friend love" pocket. to be honest, i never fully let Photo into the "romantic love" place because i don't trust easily, i never fully believed him when he said he loved me. i did let him into my heart though, into that deep love place that goes beyond labels of any sort because he was in such great need of love. i will care about him forever because he is one of the misfits, one of the broken and battered of whom i am the leader. once someone is in my heart they always have a place there. i still love the weasel even though he is never, EVER allowed back in my life; i wish him well and even pray for him sometimes, that doesn't mean i ever want to see him again, let alone marry him.
for the past several weeks i've been trying to emphasize with Photo my need for a FRIEND, but he hasn't understood that was what i was looking for. tonight he told me he's been keeping his distance because he thought i had lingering ROMANTIC feelings for him and he didn't want to lead me on. how many times do i have to tell him that keeping his distance is what hurts because i am in need of his FRIENDSHIP? but he doesn't hear me, doesn't understand me, so i guess he's not a very good friend like i thought he could be.
i've really needed a FRIEND. someone who understands depression and has the compassion to not ignore or shun me just because i struggle with it. Photo gives good hugs. he's pretty much the only man in my life right now that gives really good hugs. that doesn't mean i want to make out with him or marry him, it just means that when i need a good hug, he's the one i think of. he has also struggled with depression and anxiety, so i thought he was someone i could rely on to be a friend and understand what i'm going through. we have similar interests, we're both writers and photographers and like movies and music. we have a lot in common so he's someone i like being around. he's generally a good person...when he's not so thick-headed...and if he'd get over where we've been and catch up with where i'm trying to go (good friendship) he really does have great potential to be a good friend. but after the conversation we had tonight i don't know if that's really possible. i don't know how to trust him if he can't figure out how to hear what i'm saying and stop distancing himself from me for reasons that aren't even an issue. i've said it all along, he's not my type. i'm not particularly attracted to redheads, our taste in food is drastically different, and physically we don't really fit together very well. and the biggest reason i have pretty much known all along that we would should not be romantically involved is that we are completely incapable of effective communication...obviously.
there was a time i hoped he was the one...less because of him specifically, more because i am tired of waiting for the love of my life to come. i would be settling if i went for him...he's wonderful in a lot of ways, he's just not what i am looking for. if i could choose any man that i have ever known to be the one for me, it would be Will. the only flaw he has that i can't handle is that he's not in love with me. i love him too much to let that get in the way of our friendship though, so i tuck that little truth away in the depths of me and just accept his friendship as he is willing and able to give it. no harm, no foul. he told me the last time we hung out that he thinks of me as his "kid sister" (even though i'm technically older by 8 months). he loves me in some way, that's all i need from him. so it is with Photo. i've already wiped the past from my mind and rewritten him into my life as another big brother i never had and always wanted...or since we've kissed, he can be a cousin i never had and always wanted (you know, kissin' cousins...ha ha ha).
i may never get married. i'm learning to accept that fact. i've never been particularly close (emotionally speaking) with any of my very few blood relations so i tend to collect people in an effort to piece together my ideal family that i wish i had been born into. The Artist would be my big brother, Bestest Friend, Hey Pay and Chelle my little sisters, Will would be my twin brother. Photo, D-Ham, Packman, Niffer, Shygirl, Brit, Double E and many others would be cousins. Char, Jannie, Chris, Kay, Sharon, Rainie, Cass, and Diane would be the aunts i never had and have always ached for. all the children i know and love are my nieces and nephews. technically, we're all part of the same family anyway...being spirit children of the same God, and physical children of the same earthly ancestral parents (Adam and Eve, and later Noah and his wife since they are the only ones who survived the flood). this is where my perspective varies too much from that of others in this world. people are so narrow-minded, they forget to see the bigger picture of who we are to each other.
anyway, this has gone off on a wide rambling tangent. the point is, just because i say i love someone and want to spend all my time free time with them right now, doesn't mean i'm in love with them. before he met Nat, The Artist and I spent much of our free time together and he and i have neither ever had any romantic feelings for each other. that's why he was the perfect best friend for such a long time, especially after Bestest Friend got married. i lost too many of my friends all at once and i'm just looking to fill that gaping void with whatever kindred spirited type friends i can find...they seem to be in extremely short supply these days.
ok, i feel better now. maybe i will get some sleep after all. i've been feeling so misunderstood recently. i kept trying to chalk it up to the depression but it wasn't irrational. i was being avoided and misunderstood. i hope we can figure out how to clear this up so we can be friends.
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