decisions

all my defenses are on high alert.  my nerves are raw and wired.  my entire being is exhausted and aching.  i'm afraid the solution is something i don't think i have the courage to do.  it's not an easy decision and i want to find a way to be in between instead of all or nothing...but i'm stuck in all, with nothing.  i don't know what to do, or how to do it.  why can't it just be easy?  why can't things change in mutually beneficial ways?  why can't life be fair and equal?  why can't people be considerate and attentive?  why can't i heal myself so i can stop getting myself into self-destructive situations?  why can't i be selfish enough to get myself out of self-destructive situations, even if it means possibly hurting someone else?  i don't hurt people.  i heal people.  but if i'm hurt in the process of trying to help someone else?  that's not okay.  Bestest Friend isn't vocal and adamant about things very often, but she very specifically and emphatically told me to wordlessly walk away.  i should listen, she's usually right. but how can i?  either way it hurts, but which will hurt less in the long run?  i guess if i just sit here and fret about it long enough the decision will be out of my hands...

i have too many decisions and not enough answers or guidance.  i don't know what to do!  i want to curl up and hide instead of making decisions...but i can't really do that, can i?  i want to stay but i need the circumstances to be different.  but the circumstances won't change, so i have to walk away...but where do i go?  what do i do?  and how do i find the courage to do what i need to do?  maybe a blessing would help...if i could find a man i trust to give it...maybe The Artist...or Will, if he could ever find the time to remember me.  he said he'd call, but who knows when?  i want a moment of his time, but i don't want to bother him, or set myself up for disappointment when he says he doesn't have time...or forgets.  i wish i could stop looking, stop hoping, stop needing.  but i'm human, just like everyone else.  i just wish i was better at making decisions.  i feel like i always choose unwisely.