is it underneath the willow tree...?

Otherwise the Darkness

 By St. Thomas Aquinas

I have a cause.
We need those don’t we?
Otherwise the darkness and
the cold gets in and
everything starts to ache.
My soul has a purpose, it is
to love;
If I do not fulfill
my heart’s vocation,
I suffer.

a while ago while perusing a poetry book at the B&N i came across this poem.

it's precisely how i feel so much of the time.

i'm most depressed and aching when i feel i'm not being allowed to love.

let me clarify...

i'm a nurturer by nature and when i see someone who needs to be taken care of, 

i want to...for lack of a better term...love them better.

i could love you so well, if you'd let me.

with girls it's easy.  there's no complication there.

with guys, however, it can get very complicated...

because too often guys are macho, egotistical idiots.

when i'm too nice and overly affectionate, it doesn't mean i want to marry them,

it just means i want to do whatever i can to nurse them back to emotional health.

one of my greatest gifts and purposes in life is to help others heal.

with so much destruction and hatred and selfishness in this world,

my only real desire is to spread a little love and peace and healing.

when i know i'm supposed to be helping someone and they won't let me

i get really depressed and stressed.

i've been really depressed and stressed recently.

my poor heart has been overflowing with compassion

but for someone who has been avoiding me 

because he thought i was in love with him.

well, i'm not.

i was, but haven't been for months.

i care very deeply for him

he seemed like the kind of guy i could be good friends with

but i was fooling myself.

now i don't know where we stand.

he won't talk about it.

he keeps texting me, shallowness and small talk

i hate small talk

but doesn't want to see me?

doesn't have time to act like a friend?

i'm confused.

i don't know what to say or do.

i'm afraid that if i am overly kind or enthusiastic or chatty, 

he'll get the wrong idea...and break up with me again

...even though we haven't been "together" for months.

i'm tired of my compassion and kindness being misunderstood.

i'm tired of my generosity and affection leading to my heart being hurt.

i love, i suffer

i don't love, i suffer

well, i guess part of this life is suffering.

i hope someday my karma comes around 

and i get to be loved and cared for and healed by someone who is like me.

i deserve love and kindness and friendship too.

My Heart's Vocation

By Me (2005?)

Sent down from Heaven up above

My greatest purpose just to love

But through the course of earthly woe

Heartache has tossed me to and fro

Hiding behind a mask from youth

At times forgetting strength and truth

I would remove this mask I wear

And let you see what’s hidden there

But when it all is said and done

And this long race is finally won

Will you stand with your hand in mine

And love me with a heart Divine

Or in the face of troubled sky

Will my poor soul in sorrow cry

Because you would not understand

And so from me withdrew your hand

To make me walk this road alone

Without a love to guide me home

My only wish forever more

To find a love like none before

So here I wait with willing heart

Searching for one who stands apart

Able to see with eyes of grace

The soul that hides behind this face

i'm not going to stop caring and loving and helping others heal
but i am going to try to be more cautious.
i'll probably fail, my compassion always wins out
but i don't know how to trust anyone anymore...guys anyway.
i won't be looking for romantic love anytime soon, though i ache for it
i won't be looking for friendly love anytime soon either
quite possibly, i will be shutting down for a while so attend
to the fresh and reopened wounds.
i don't want to close myself off,
but i don't know how to be around people i can't trust,
and right now i don't know how to trust much of anyone.

i lost my best friends.
all of my everyday friends dispersed at once
and i was left too alone too suddenly.
i was looking for a friend to fill in part of the enormous, gaping void
but now it's only wider and more unbearable.
now i don't know what to do.

warmer weather will help.
sunshine and wandering in nature
writing, reading, taking pictures
finding more employment...fingers crossed
distraction, filling my time with whatever i can come up with to do on my own...
i'm all alone. it's really time for me to accept that.
shallow and meaningless conversations,
too little time, too much distance
too much alone.