forget

is there a way to love without restraint and without making myself vulnerable to being hurt?  my heart wants to love and help everyone i meet because everyone has some sort of crack or shadow or hurt or fear or something that needs to be healed.  everyone needs kindness and support and companionship and encouragement...and love.  but how do i love the whole world and open my arms to every broken soul without being consumed by their ache and grief?...and without being consumed by my own darkness and pain?  i have compassion and empathy that could help others if i could stop getting in my own way.  how do i let God take care of me so i can be His hands to help take care of others?  will He if i try to let Him?  where are His hands to help me? 

i just got a new calling.  i'm on the outreach committee for my relief society.  one thought i had was "who is reaching out to me?" another was "how can i help others when i'm so broken and lost?" and yet another "i'm not good enough or righteous enough or smart enough to know what others need or how to help them."  i used to be so open and willing to give everything i have to others (more than i have sometimes) but over the years i've given too much, had too much stolen from me, slowly closed myself off and become so overwhelmed by my own hurt and fear that i don't know how to be open to receiving inspiration.  i'm afraid i don't have anything else to give.

i feel so lost and depressed and lonely and afraid.  i am so starved for love it's all i can think about.  i'm obsessed with my lack.  how do i forget my need and fear and hurt and just give what others need?  i've heard stories of people who figure out how to push their own needs aside and live their lives in the service of others and they find miraculously that their own needs are taken care of too.  how do i get out of myself and give my life for the benefit of those around me?

tonight i realized that i'm almost to that point where i don't care anymore how it would affect others, i just want out.  the thing that has kept me going this long has been my compassion for the feelings of others.  Bestest Friend and Shygirl, my nephews, Hey Pay and Chelle...but i'm not really sure anymore that anyone would care.  i don't want to think of all the people who might be a little sad without me.  i want to convince myself that they'll get over it quickly and forget i was ever there at all.  i'm not helping anyone, my life is increasingly more pointless and lonely.  the depression is more consuming than ever before because all i can think of is all i've lost and all the people who leave me and don't or won't love me, all the love i will never have.  i am so alone in this world and i have nothing to fight for.  no one needs me or wants me anymore.  i have no money, no purpose, no achievable dreams, no hope left.  i need a dentist and probably a doctor but i can't afford it.  i can't sleep and i hurt all the time.  i'm so tired and i don't want to get out of bed in the morning...but i do.

i want to be selfish and give up and disappear...but i can't.  i won't.  there's got to be a purpose.  there's got to be something, some reason for feeling this way, some reason for being this way.  medication doesn't work, and i can't afford it anyway.  but what does help isn't available.  how can i help myself so i can help others?  how do i revive that loving, giving, generous and kind person i hope is still inside of me?  how do i find purpose...any reason and hope to live?  i have always lived for people, but what happens when all the people are gone?  i haven't had a cathartic conversation in too long.  no one has time or attention for me so what's the point in being?  i'm dumping all of this here, it doesn't matter if it's too negative or if no one cares, i have to put it somewhere or i may do something stupid.  it's been too long since i've been held.  i feel like i'm falling apart and i can't stop it, i can't hold myself together.  but i'm doing the best i can.  it may not be good enough, but i'm trying to fight my own darkness, even though i fight so alone.  maybe somewhere there are people rooting for me, angels or spirits giving me support i can't see or feel.  i need a connection.  i need a true and deep and lasting connection with someone who really cares about me (not necessarily romantically).

a long time ago i imagined a person, a friend...for a while that friend, that delusion was my survival.  the imagination and hope of ever finding that friend are what kept me going.  but the delusion was shattered and the hope is nearly gone.  i don't want to live anymore without that friend.  it's too hard, it's too long, it's too lonely, it's just too...hard.  i need to connect.  i need time and compassion.  and i need someone to just hold me.

but my needs don't matter.  i need to forget myself and help everyone else.  but how?