tender mercies

today was long and by 6pm i felt the sadness, loneliness and discouragement descending like a shroud around me so i went for a drive.  i ended up at Barnes & Noble, one of my favorite places on earth.  i don't drink coffee, but i love the scent that wafts through the stacks and shelves.  after wandering through the bargain books and children's section, i went in search of my favorite books.  i don't know why i ever choose to go to the Jordan Landing location because they have diminished their poetry section to a very few selections mixed in with Shakespeare and other theatrical publications.  it's a little depressing, really.  the Sugarhouse or Gateway locations are much better for poetry.  i left feeling a little better, but not much.  i felt aimless and anxious so i thought i'd just drive for a while.  i wanted to find a place to watch the sunset, but the sky was already darkening and i didn't know where to go, so i turned toward home.  as i drove across the I-215 overpass on 4100 south i caught a glimpse of the sunset in my side mirror.  i pulled over and took out my camera.

this is the picture i took from my window.

sitting on the side of the overpass isn't the best idea so i drove the short distance to my neighborhood and stopped at the elementary school.  i pulled the car over and got out.  it was windy and cold so i took a couple pictures then had to grab a blanket from my car to wrap up in.  i can't wait for warmer weather.  my fingers were icicles  by the time i got back in my car, but it was uplifting and inspiring to feel the desire to take pictures again.  it's been too long.

i call these Windows of Heaven shots because they are just little cracks in the clouds where the light shines through.  by the time i stopped the rays were disappearing but you can kind of see them here. when i see sunsets like this i am reminded of the following scripture...

Malachi 3:10

Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

i have been fretting a lot over my current financial situation.  i don't know how i'm going to pay back my student loans, my credit card, my phone bill, insurance, and the money i owe for recent repairs to my car...and afford to go to Boston with my girls in September (i've already bought the plane ticket so i really need to be able to pay for the rest).  i'm grateful to my parents for helping me with the car repairs and for not charging me rent while i'm paying back my student loans and searching for more gainful employment.  i have been struggling to figure out where to look and what to look for.  because of my struggles with migraines, depression, and anxiety i tend to be a little picky.  my degree is in English Literature.  my hope going in was either to learn to write well enough to make it as an actual writer, or find a husband while i was in school so i could be a well educated stay-at-home mother.  i didn't find a husband, and i learned that my writing is not good enough to make any money that way.  i can't teach or work in a call center.  i'd rather not work in sales or with the general public anymore if i can find a job that won't force me to do so...most of my work experience is in customer service but it doesn't pay well enough unless i become a manager and i really don't want that kind of stress in my life...besides, i don't have the personality or ambition to be a manager.  i don't really know what that leaves me. 

as i was talking with my dear friend Brit yesterday, i was telling her about my stress and feelings of being so overwhelmed with too many aspects of life right now.  she told me to focus on the one concern or desire that i feel is most important right now.  i told her it was my need for better-paying employment and greater income.  she told me to focus on paying my tithing and watching my spending, and learning to trust in the Lord's timing (and kind of just trusting in the Lord in general because that's something i really struggle with).  she paraphrased the scripture quoted above.

today was a low faith kind of day.  the depression and loneliness, compounded by the stress of still not knowing what to do about my employment/finance situations were too overwhelming.  though i held a constant prayer deep in my heart, i distracted myself through the long hours of the day.  we watched my sister's kids early this morning, so playing with them helped a lot, but once they were gone i couldn't find the gumption for much of anything.  i did check out the job postings on the Department of Workforce Services and lds.org employment sites but to no avail.

 the sunset tonight has been a tender mercy, boosting my faith to keep me going one more day.  tomorrow i will look for another tender mercy...it will probably be working with one of my all-time favorite coworkers, Rainie...she is so kind and supportive, always asking me what fun plans i have for the evening, reminding me to keep going.

i'm grateful for the beauty of nature, the way it witnesses of the love and mercies of God.  i am grateful for friends and family who help me find the courage and desire to hold on and keep fighting the darkness, even when (or especially when) my life seems so hopeless and pointless.

i'm grateful for the sunset and the opportunity of another day.  i'm grateful for the promised blessings of paying tithing...i hope i can find the faith to believe and see the fulfillment of the blessings.  i've been trying to pay my tithing for over a month, i have the money saved but keep forgetting to go to the bank or take a check with me to church.  i will not let myself forget again on Sunday.  i'm near desperate for the blessings.  i'm trying to have the faith to produce (or at least see) miracles.  i have faith on behalf of others, but i struggle to find the faith for my own life and needs.  i'm working on it.  i hope the Lord continues to send me tender, merciful reminders such as the beautiful sunsets and caring friends to help me through.