walk with me

the house was empty when i got home from work.  after eating a little of the leftover homemade soup, i decided i didn't want to be alone, but without knowing who to call, i settled on going to the temple.  the stress of financial uncertainty and lack of significant relationship have been weighing on me rather heavily and i need some guidance and reassurance.  i made it just in time for the session.  it was good, nothing out of the ordinary.  afterward i sat for a while and read some scriptures, prayed, tried to listen...i still don't know what to do.  i'm trying to be patient and hold on to faith that things are going to get better, that they will work out for the best, but i just don't know yet.

when we were teenagers Bestest Friend and i spent a lot of time together.  most nights we walked around the neighborhood or sat on her swing in the backyard and just talk.  before he moved Will and went for some walks around his neighborhood and talked about things.  what i'd really like right now is to wander around in the night with a dear friend by my side.  it's nearly midnight and i don't really have a rambling, meandering friend right now, so instead, i blog.

i'd like to learn to pray in such a way that it's more like a conversation with a dear friend.  i don't know if God doesn't talk to me, or if i just haven't figured out how to listen or a response to come in the mail.  i've heard people talk about Jesus as though He is their best friend, like He's someone they have conversations with like i used to have with Bestest Friend or Will.  i'd like to have that kind of relationship with Him.  maybe then my loneliness would dissipate and my depression would fade away because i would finally feel heard and important and like i have someone to go to at any moment of need...even 3am when i can't turn off my mind and sleep.

when i was younger i had a couple of imaginary friends.  they got me through some of the most difficult times of my life.  the day they arrived, they saved my life.  the day they disappeared...well, by then i had other things to keep me going.  last night i was feeling very alone and worried and sad.  this may sound silly but i tried to coax one of my old imaginary friends back into some form of existence.  it didn't work.  my imagination is broken.  i've had too many strong doses of reality and i seem to have lost my once vibrant ability to, even for a moment, imagine things differently from how they are.  don't think i'm crazy, but in the night, when it's most difficult to hold on to hope, i really miss those imaginary friends...and the real friends for that matter.

so, i'm in the market, as it were, for a new friend who will converse and walk with me.

my favorite time to walk is in the night.  late spring, early autumn, and most summer nights are superb for wandering with a dear friend.  nighttime used to be a particularly comforting and creative time for me.  most of my best writing came in the middle of the night when the clutter and commotion of life is put to sleep.  i used to love nighttime more than any other time...back before i had anything in the day worth being awake for.  my imagination was free to take me anywhere it wanted to go.  some of the deepest, most personal conversations i've ever had have been in the night, whether while walking or driving or just sitting in my car or on the swing or a grassy hill.  Bestest Friend, Will, The Artist, Hey Pay, Pola, Photo and others...even the weasel...i want more nighttime conversations.  i need some good starlit meandering conversations.  i crave them.  i ache for them.  i less depressed when i have someone to just sit for hours and just be with them...sigh.

the following is something i wrote a while ago, i don't remember who i was thinking of at the time...maybe that ever illusive love of my life, maybe just a friend...but this is what i'm aching for tonight...

Night Walking

     I want to spend all night with you. Everything is different in the night. The world is less cluttered, less complicated, more lucid, more acute. We make more sense in the night. Walk with me in the night. It doesn’t matter where we are or where we go as long as it is dark and we can see the stars. Stargaze with me in the night. I want you to hear my secret wishes, disclosed to only the stars in the night. I want you to see me in the dark. I want you to see me with your hearing and your feeling. I don’t want you to look at me; hold my hand, listen to my voice, see me without your eyes. I want us to talk. I want us to really talk. The best talking happens at night. There is something less threatening about conversations in the dark. The defenses go down when vulnerability is cloaked in shadow. There in the night we are free to whisper what we truly are. It’s as if in a dream, maybe it won’t be remembered when the sun rises and awakens the world that lies completely unaware of you and I.

     Sail with me in the night. I want to sail away on a river of fantastic illusions. Sail away with me in the night and I will take you to places you’ve never imagined in the waking brightness of day. The shifting winds and currents will carry you and I to islands of truth and understanding uncomplicated by fear and doubt, pain. We will be enlightened in the night. Clarity is found in the heart of night when all is in restful harmony; serenaded by the sighs of nightly creatures, their songs comprehended by only those who seek pure wisdom. Dance with me in the night. Hold me in your tender embrace and sway with me in the night. The clouds will lift us and we will dance in the stardust of night. Then stay with me in this beautiful dream until the sun washes away the loveliness of night.

i've really gotta get back to writing like this...or better than this (it's good, but not my best).  i miss the poetry.  i miss writing like every word was a delicious morsel to be savored.  i used to feel that way.  i must find a way to revive my literary passion...anyway, i work at 8am and it's going to be along couple of days so i better be getting to bed.  thank you for listening to me prattle on in the night.  i wish you were here with me so i could hear you too instead of just sending it out into the void.  reciprocal conversation really is my preference, but what can ya do?  

good night