filling in

i have an interview with the Salt Lake City Library on April 9th.  it's a part-time position which means (i hope) i'll be able to keep my job at the bookstore and arrange things so i can work both jobs.  books and words are the only real passion i can come up with these days...besides just being with people i adore...but i can't get paid for that so i guess i'll have to find a way to get paid for being around the books.  luck and prayers and fingers crossed on my behalf are appreciated.  i really need to make more money and spend more of my time actively involved in doing something good.  i'm becoming increasingly depressed these days and i think a lot of it is because i spend too much time alone.

today was going to be a depressing day.  i almost didn't get out of bed but it was my turn to drive to church and D-Ham would have given me a hard time if i hadn't gone.  we stopped in for a few minutes to visit with Hey Pay, we were going to stay for her ward but it didn't work out as hoped so we ended up going to our ward instead.  i've decided that D-Ham is turning out to be a pretty good friend.  i'm kinda sorry i didn't give him more of a chance a long time ago when we first became acquainted.  i'm glad i've had a second chance to find out what a good person he is.  he teases a lot and is kind of obnoxious, but let's face it, what guy isn't that way?  when it comes down to it, though, i think he's the kind of guy that will be there for you when it really counts.  he and Photo came over tonight to hang out with me to keep me from getting really low from the lack of sibling involvement on this holiday.  they went to their respective in-laws' instead of coming here even though it was our week to have them.  i guess they did all stop by but they didn't tell me they were going to and showed up while i was at church.  i feel so left out anyway, and it's even harder when i'm left out on a holiday.  but i felt a lot better having Photo and D-Ham here.  Hey Pay would have stopped by too but it was too late by the time she was done with her family.

so often i feel like my friends (all the various friends, individual and groups) have played a greater role in my life than my siblings.  i have an older sister and a younger brother and for the majority of our lives lived side by side, it's like there has been a gap that separates us from really being what siblings ought to be.  i've always been so envious of people whose best friends are their parents or siblings, i've never been one of those people.  my best friends, the ones i wish were blood related are the ones who have been there for me in the darkest and brightest moments, as well as most times in between.  Bestest Friend, Hey Pay, Chelle, and Shygirl are sisters like the kind i always wanted and never had.  The Artist, Will and D-Ham (and maybe Photo, we'll see) are like the brothers i always ached for but could never find.  Will took me to lunch this week to make up for missing my birthday.  when we were walking out he gave me a hug and called me "kid" or something, i pointed out that i'm 8 months older than him but he said it just feels like i'm his "kid sister".  oh how i wish with all my might that that were true.  i've dreamed and ached my whole life for a big and/or twin brother or two and a little and/or twin sister.  oh well, i'm grateful for Will and all my other friends, whatever the relationship.

recently i've had a lot of trouble wanting to get out of bed.  everyday when i wake up i groan and beg to just be taken away, i just want to stop existing altogether...life is so exhausting and difficult and it's just becoming too much to have to trudge through feeling so alone all the time.  but eventually i get up and go about whatever needs to be done.  sometimes, in the particularly difficult or hopeless moments, i get a text "morning" or a memory or a reminder of something i have planned with one of these dear friends pops into my mind and i remember that there are reasons to keep going, to keep getting up, to keep trying.  i just wish i could figure out how to wake up each morning really wanting to be alive.  how can i cultivate an attitude and desire to really live and love life?  i think there have been times in my life when i have felt that way, when i couldn't wait to start another day...these days i can't wait to end each day.  i want to want to live.  right now i just don't want to...but i'll keep going through the motions, savoring those few moments when people step out of their otherwise busy lives to give a few minutes to me.  i miss having people around all the time.  i miss the sense of home and companionship i feel when i have a good, tight group of friends.  i guess that's part of growing up?  i don't want to grow up anymore, it's lonely and discouraging...and expensive.

sorry, i was trying to not get all dismal, today turned out to be a pretty good day and i am grateful for the friends who made it so.  i am grateful for my Savior who is so patient and merciful and kind; i'm grateful that even though i am stuck in this moment of giving up, He has never and will never give up on me.  i'm grateful that He provides ways of filling in those gaps that are created when people leave or when i am hurt by someone or something.  He fills in the silence and someday He will make up for all the hurt and ache and loneliness and tears...