the night before last i had a dream that really upset me. it was one of those really vivid dreams that sort of linger after you've awakened. in the dream a friend and i had a conversation in which he made a decision to stop being friends with me simply because he thought my kindness meant i was in love with him. i'll admit, recently i have had some thoughts about this friend, wondering if something more could come of our friendship...mainly because he's the only kind man i have around with any sort of regularity these days. he is not interested in me that way though, so i have abandoned those thoughts. friendship is much more important to me than...well, pretty much anything else. i don't want to lose anymore friendships because of suspected "feelings" or "desires" or "expectations" toward romantic intentions. the dream and lingering emotions inspired by it caused a deep sadness to enshroud me yesterday. a deep depression threatened to completely overcome my every sensibility. thankfully i have Bestest Friend and some other great influences in my life. they reminded me that no matter who loves me or leaves me, i'm not alone.
i need to get out and make some new friends. i really need to change my perspective on the "friendship" concept because i'm tired of hurting over "lost friends". i just want to hold on to people and be able to see them and spend time with them whenever i want and i severely dislike when things change and i'm not allowed easy access to people i love. it's even harder when it's because they've stopped wanting me in their lives. i'm really trying to let go. it's not working at the moment because i'm feeling so entirely disconnected. all i do is work these days, with new people i haven't quite connected with and it's taking a bit of a toll. i need a good conversation, some true quality time, and perhaps a bit of tenderness. for now i'll just have to make due until something better comes along. i just hope it comes soon.
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