23 August 2013

where's the light

it shouldn't be this hard. this isn't the way it should be at all.  i can 't figure out how to change it.  every attempt i've made in the last 10 years to make things better, to get me closer to who and what and where i want to be has only pushed me down and held me back.  i was supposed to be aware of making good decisions...they seemed right at the time but now it seems like every decision i've ever made has been wrong.  i'm so tired of living the wrong life, of being the wrong person.  it's like i'm stuck in a nightmare where i'm trapped in someone else's body and life. how do i get out? how do i find myself and my life? i just can't do this much longer.  i just don't know what to do.

21 August 2013

Humpty Dumpty

another restless night, it seems. exhaustion has brought on a torrent of tears and dread of morning. too many thoughts and feelings tonight. avoidance has only enhanced their affect. relating a bit too much to Humpty Dumpty...the shattered and hopeless...fallen...but where are the men and horses with super glue offering to  pick up the pieces?

someone to talk to might help. someone's shoulder to soak up the tears might help more. but it's just after midnight and there isn't anyone. not that there's much of anyone any other time of day, but in the hustle and bustle light it's easier to find avoidance in distraction.

this probably shouldn't settle here but it feels like that old void of deafness these days...no one listening...no one seeing...

it doesn't matter. I don't matter. if i were better, prettier, thinner, kinder, more generous or brave or strong...maybe then...but "if" doesn't mean anything...it isn't what is. what is...is...not much...disappointing...aloneness.

i'm just so tired of this. no wonder my words are forgotten, avoided, ignored...everyone else is tired of it too. i wish i could forget and turn away so easily. i wish i wasn't stuck with myself...especially on sleepless nights.

well, there you are dear wretched void, i'll leave you to it now. swallow my heartbreak, my tears, my discouragement...leave me void and numb again.

i'm sure it'll be better tomorrow.

10 August 2013

don't worry, be happy

the night before last i had a dream that really upset me.  it was one of those really vivid dreams that sort of linger after you've awakened.  in the dream a friend and i had a conversation in which he made a decision to stop being friends with me simply because he thought my kindness meant i was in love with him.  i'll admit, recently i have had some thoughts about this friend, wondering if something more could come of our friendship...mainly because he's the only kind man i have around with any sort of regularity these days.  he is not interested in me that way though, so i have abandoned those thoughts.  friendship is much more important to me than...well, pretty much anything else.  i don't want to lose anymore friendships because of suspected "feelings" or "desires" or "expectations" toward romantic intentions.  the dream and lingering emotions inspired by it caused a deep sadness to enshroud me yesterday.  a deep depression threatened to completely overcome my every sensibility.  thankfully i have Bestest Friend and some other great influences in my life.  they reminded me that no matter who loves me or leaves me, i'm not alone. 

i need to get out and make some new friends.  i really need to change my perspective on the "friendship" concept because i'm tired of hurting over "lost friends".  i just want to hold on to people and be able to see them and spend time with them whenever i want and i severely dislike when things change and i'm not allowed easy access to people i love.  it's even harder when it's because they've stopped wanting me in their lives.  i'm really trying to let go.  it's not working at the moment because i'm feeling so entirely disconnected.  all i do is work these days, with new people i haven't quite connected with and it's taking a bit of a toll.  i need a good conversation, some true quality time, and perhaps a bit of tenderness.  for now i'll just have to make due until something better comes along.  i just hope it comes soon.