27 April 2010
Truth Takes Time
One day it'll all make sense. One day I'll be blessed with deep, true and lasting peace. Until then, I'll learn patience, feed my faith, and try to not worry about what still doesn't make sense. I'm generally happy; life is good :)
So much of my life was spent think and feeling I was completely alone. I forget sometimes that I'm not alone anymore. There are so many people who would love to be there for me when I need someone. I just have to remember to let them. People usually can't do for us what they don't know we need...I used to get mad at people basically for not being able to read my mind and fill my need that I never let them know I had. Now, I have a different attitude. No expectations. I go into a social situation with the decision to have a good time and be happy and try to make others smile...in turn, I generally end up having a great time and whatever need I had, for attention or affection (those are my usual wishes) are filled because I'm open to them but not requiring them.
Last night we stayed late at the institute and played card games: Rats (I think that's what it's called) and Idiot (one of my very favorite card cames of all time, lot of good times with that one). Tonight, after leaving the headache triggering, wouldbe-talent show, we went to my house and watched Emperor's New Groove...with lots of Mystery Science Theater type comments inspiring many, many giggles and laughs. The Protector (big brother Williams) makes me ever so happy as we have a very similar sense of humor. I love that they have adopted me as their sister and half-wish I had been born a Williams...I fit in so well with them!
Shygirl basically has a boyfriend, and I am so extremely happy for her because it's been a really long time since I've seen her so happy! We had a few minutes to chat, which was nice. The Artist and I had a few minutes to chat as well, he's that person I can talk to about anything. We are both Quality Conversation people so our chats almost always leave me feeling filled.
I simply adore my wonderful and phenominal friends. We love as we are and just enjoy each other; no need to change them, none of them seeking to change me. We just love! Their love and humor do wonders to help improve my sanity and keep my attitude and mood positive! Thank you all, dear friends :)
25 April 2010
How Firm a Foundation
attr. to. Robert Keen, ca. 1787
3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
5. When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flames shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
Be Still, My Soul
by Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697
1. Be still, my soul; The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Lead, Kindly Light
By John Henry Newman, 1801-1890
1. Lead, kindly light, amid th' encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene -- one step enough for me.
2. I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou
Shoulds lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.
3. So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!
that was a bit of a tangent. anyway...this week, i fail. i didn't serve anyone, i pretty much hid myself away and didn't interact with people because i was grouchy and didn't want to lash out irrationally as i sometimes do if i don't check myself. i've been binging so i'm pretty sure i've gained like 10 pounds this week (i avoid scales so i don't really know). this is not the life i wanted. this is not the life i imagined for myself. right now i kind of hate myself.
i know i'm good. i know i'm worthwhile and have many great qualities. i know that i am kind, loving, a good listener, a great friend, generous, talented, intelligent, understanding, beautiful in my own way, fun and clever, interesting and insightful...but i don't see any of that in myself this week. all i see is the girl who couldn't activate her brain to do better in her school classes this semester. all i see is the girl who hasn't had a job since August and still doesn't know where to look for one. i see the girl who is weak and exhausted and imperfect. the girl who feels invisible, especially to men...or at least to the "right" type of men. i get the jerks, the creeps, the insecure, the broken, the ones who are weaker than i am, the fickle, the emotionally detached...the users and abusers, the impatient, the rude and crude...the short.
well, that's what i've gotten in the past; i'm not getting much of anything these days. i hesitate to talk about this sort of thing but i've been living on the surface for so long, afraid of who might read my blog and what they might think of me...or what they might try to use against me...i just want to be loved and accepted for who i am. i just want a guy to look at me and see the beauty and goodness and not try to exploit it or twist it into something ugly, or change me...why isn't there a guy out there who can just love me as i am, always, not just a little while? i'm good at loving, especially if i can feel that they love me, the real me. but despite all my efforts to let people know me, they never really do. they only half pay attention and they don't really want to know me. am i asking too much?
i wish i didn't care. i wish i could forget about love and romance and men entirely...but it's innate, it's one of the needs that all humans require. i would give everything i have for love, real, lasting, transcendent love. but i'm beginning to think it doesn't exist for me. i need to find something else to fill that void in my life. but what? i have wonderful friends, i serve, i'm educated and pursuing more, i'm pretty sure there isn't a career in existance that would do it for me so that's out...all i'm really missing in my life is love, but that's the one thing that is entirely out of my hands.
i've loved before, with all my heart and soul and energy and will. i've loved a couple times that way...but my heart comes back shattered and bruised. they take my love, everything i have to give and then toss me aside. how do i get over that? how do i keep myself from misuse but allow myself to be open to love? i'm so weary, my heart is so weary and it drags me down completely. Savage Garden has a song called Gunning Down Romance and that's how i feel right now. "feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your veins." "Gunning down romance, it never did a thing for me. but heartache and misery. ain't nothing but a tragedy." "take these broken wings...and learn to fly, learn to fly away". i want to not want it anymore.
The Artist talks a lot about his troubles in dating. he's so worried that he just makes it all so much harder than it has to be. i wish i could give him confidence because that's really all he's lacking...well, confidence and an outward focus. he's more concerned about himself than anyone else i think. i love him dearly...anyone who has read my blog at all knows that i adore him. but i'm really getting tired of having the same conversations with him over and over. he asks for my advice and then he doesn't take it...he hears the same thing from someone else and it penetrates some part of his brain...but he still goes in the same circles. i wish i were a guy so that i could be the one taking the initiative. i know it's difficult for guys, the fear of rejection and all, but it's at least socially expected that the guy will make the first move. i'm at a complete loss here. nothing i do is right. i come on too strong or not strong enough. i let the "wrong" guys in because they are paying attention to me when the "right" guys won't give me the time of day.
i don't know how to make myself more appealing to the good guys. so, i get a great big F in dating.
now i should go to bed. maybe things will look better in the morning. maybe the world will turn upside down and inside out, and miraculously a really great guy will acknowledge my exisitance tomorrow and i'll be able to write a happier, less cynical post. or maybe i'll find some peace and acceptance instead. either way, i'm sorry for dumping these feelings and frustrations here. i know life is better than it seems in this moment. i know I am better than i seem in this moment. and i know that amazing things are coming.
"For after much tribulation come the blessings."
23 April 2010
I need a job. I need to teach myself to be better with money. I need to figure out what I want to do in life instead of continuing on with the moment to moment strategy...I still don't know what I want to do when I "grow up".
The writing thing isn't working out. I really thought it would improve by going back to school and focusing on it but all I am finding is that I'm not feeling any better about it. Maybe it was just a bad semester. Maybe breaking out of the past will help me open up and start writing again? I don't know.
I registered for fall semester today. Most of my classes are for my minor. I've been considering swapping my major and minor, focusing more on psychology through Family Studies and a little less on the English stuff. I think I could go further and do more good in the world if I did this. Perhaps Social Work or something related should be my goal. We'll see.
16 April 2010
caught the train with a couple minutes to spare
got a 96% on my human development final
sold my book back for $53 (now i can now pay my insurance this month)
got a 87% on my wretched grammar test
my lit teacher said he'd give me till the 23rd to get my questions done so i won't fail that class
the weather is warm enough that i don't have to wear a coat! (I'm so tired of layers)
best of all: IT'S FRIDAY!!!
14 April 2010
I'm a little nervous about my grades, I haven't done very well in most of my classes this semester. I'm pretty sure I'm getting an A in my marriage class, but the others I'm hoping for a B but expecting a C...I just want to pass, that's good enough for me.
Goals for the summer:
Find a job or two
Finish healing : reintroduce myself to myself
Decide what to do about my major
Spend time with my nephews
Find a Muse
10 April 2010
distracted cops who are in a hurry
extra kind bus drivers
dear, wonderful little sisters and brothers (including in-law and "adopted")
wonderful, caring, understanding friends
perceptive and generous bishop...my car payment can be made this month
music: whether blasting in my car or projecting from my own voice
words just for me
conversation = quality time with a friend
opportunities to serve
opportunities that teach me to allow others to serve me
spending time with friends who make me giggle so hard that tears stream down my face and my body hurts.
knowing that somehow it'll be okay
The Veto Rights lesson in my marriage class, then talking with the Williams siblings and The Artist last night led me to action. This afternoon I was given a glimpse of understanding. I felt sadness and relief at the same time. Relief to know that the anxiety does serve a purpose and that I was able to recognize it a little better this time. Sadness because of the way things are and the fact that I am powerless to make any change. So, with all the dignity and self respect I could muster, I did what I felt needed to be done.
He's been gone for months. There are few things I despise more than losing a friend, especially one I loved and trusted; especially one I was sure would be around for a long while. It hurts when they decide (for whatever reason...even if it's a good reason) to walk away. Leaving without a "goodbye" is especially difficult because it leaves me expecting and hoping it's not an eternal exit. Receiving an invitation would have been difficult and awkward. Not receiving one would have been heartbreaking (though I'm not sure it's possible to break my heart any more than it's already been shattered). But I'm the ex-girlfriend...though I begged him to drop the "ex-girl" part so we could still be friends. Misunderstandings and sensitive feelings made that an impossibility.
It hurts that I'm not allowed to share in their joy. I'm not sure what happened. I don't understand because he never explained. Honesty is synonymous with kindness and love in my book. When you are up front and honest, even with information that has the potential to harm, you show respect and a willingness to sacrifice a moment of your own comfort to help someone else see and understand truth. That is why I plead for honesty from others and try my hardest to give it.
Although I don't like the way things are between us, I have love and acceptance in my heart for both of them and I wish them joy in their life together.
Goodbye my should-have-been friends. I'll try not to miss what never quite was.
One of these days my heart won't hurt anymore. the weasel and bobpi will both be distant memories; even the scars of broken promises, selfish "love", betrayal, and lies they have left behind will fade in time. Then someone new will come along and show me what True Love is. Then instead of standing on the outside, I'll have an enduring place to rest my mending heart.
07 April 2010
When it was finally over, I trudged out into the flittering snow, my vision blurred with tears, my head throbbing with a migraine, my face burning. I stood in the snow, waiting for the bus, and let a tear or two slip down my cheeks. The bus came and I made it to the Frontrunner with four minutes to spare. One tender mercy of the day.
My focus for the evening needed to be the rough draft for my final grammar project. I ate dinner, took some meds for the migraine and opened my books. The migraine intensified, my heart thudded, trying to run from my chest, and I let go of the hope that the words would come. Anxiety intensifies when I'm alone so I packed up my computer and went to the institute in search of someone to talk me down.
Another tender mercy. The other B Taylor initiated active conversation right away. I've talked with him once before, he's new in the ward, new to The Church actually. He's a nice guy. RSP2 (still need a new name for her) showed up and we talked for a few minutes but she was frazzled and in a hurry. I spent the majority of my time there talking with BMT.
We have a rather strange relationship, mostly based on sarcasm and unspoken fascination (from my perspective anyway). I still can't tell what he thinks of me...not that it matters much really. He seems to enjoy when I'm around; I don't get a vibe of annoyance or anything like that. When we left he told me to wait a moment for him and he'd walk out with me. He sent me a text as I drove away (a new inside joke developed last night). He's fairly easy to talk to and seems to like talking to me. He has a flirting style similar to mine, which is always a plus.
Undivided (or nearly undivided) attention seems to be what I was seeking when I went to the institute last night. I felt anxious, depressed, irritated and alone while sitting at home so I went to one of my happy places. I knew someone would be there (RSP2 had told me earlier in the day that she would be there...and I was pretty sure BMT would be there too). I'm getting better at dealing with my emotions. I can't make them go away entirely, the anxiety and depression may always be there under the surface, waiting for an opportunity to jump out and cause problems, but I'm learning to recognize when they are restless and I'm learning what I can do to suppress them. Generally, all it takes is some undivided attention. I can't do it alone. They don't even have to know that I'm struggling. Just being with people who treat me kindly and acknowledge my existance helps for reasons I don't even understand.
As for my paper, it's still barely started. The rough draft was due today but my teacher allows for a grace period to still receive full credit and so I have until the beginning of class on Friday to get it done. I mentioned my migraines to him today and he seemed to have a second of compassion. Somehow it's going to be okay. I don't know how I'm going to write my paper because I still have a migraine so it's hard to focus, but somehow I'll get it done.
I failed the pre-test because I gave in to the anxiety for a while yesterday, after my grammar test I was depressed and sinking into bitterness but through a little help from some friends who reminded me (and provided opportunity) to smile, I came back around. I don't understand why things work out the way they do but I know they go the way they need to when we are doing the best we can.
04 April 2010
groping with my hands, sensing
what I can not see in the darkness
forcing myself to keep moving forth
though fear begs me to stop, go back
instinctively I know the way home
for my guide is One, perfect, visionary
He has made the journey before
His steps were heavier, his burden
more than I could ever bear alone
He Sacrificed All so I don't have to
when I am too weak, too weary
He carries me through the night
when I am afraid, wounded or sad
He understands my fears, my pain
and administers to my every need
He promised to remain by my side
though sometimes I wander, and
sometimes I fall, He lifts me, guides
me back to where I should go
and He loves me through it all
He will not let me fail; His Power
is more than sufficient for my need
He lived, then died, and lives again
02 April 2010
What I need is sunny, warm weather. My legs and body want to go running or hiking, something aerobic, outside in nature...but right now it's just too cold still. I'm tired of being cooped up inside; so tired of long sleeves and coats. I want to go out in jeans (or capri's) and a t-shirt. I want to shed the layers, allow my skin to breathe. Because my flesh is so pale, I try to stay out of direct sunlight, but right now I want to lay out and soak it up.
But it's more than just lethargy and solar deprivation. It's something missing inside. A switch in my soul has been flipped off and I need it to be reset. I'm just not sure which one...
What am I lacking? Feelings of affection, security, femininity...I don't feel pretty, I don't feel like a woman. I feel tarnished and fading. Some genuine, and sincere masculine attention would be helpful. Some heartfelt flirtation would do wonders! The trouble is that I get so nervous around any guy I feel remotely attracted to. I'm afraid of loving again, I'm afraid of putting my heart out there...and yet, I'm eager for it. I'm willing to give it a try but I'm so out of practice and the fear seems to have a mind of its own, so instead of flirting and being coy and feminine like I used to do, I make him a friend (or just push him away).
I've given up on anything with Mr. Music. Somehow friendship doesn't even seem a possibility...he seems to want pretty much nothing at all to do with me. Sigh...
BMT is confusing. Sometimes he seems very interested in me, but then he turns around and seems completely indifferent. I think he tried to ask me on a second date, but he didn't go about it very well. He asked me on a Sunday for sometime during the week but then waited too long so by the time he asked I had plans with someone else. I should have given him a specific day when I was available to go, but instead I just said, "another time". Now he hasn't tried again. Something about him intrigues me. My intuition told me he was going to ask me out...it wasn't like Bobpi, not intense and unsettling. With BMT it was more a breath on my neck, a whisper of possibility. He did ask me...it was my first date after Bobpi and I was out of practice and nervous. I talk too much when I get that way. I don't think I made a very good impression. I'm pretty sure I turned him off instead of the opposite. As I said, tarnished and faded.
I need a makeover. New hairdo, new clothes, new look all around. Most of my clothes are boring and drab. My hair is limp and dull. Sadly, I have no money, no job, no hope of anything to spark up my appearence. I need new jeans, new shoes, new tops. But as I said before, it's not just physical...
I need a new intrigue...a new Muse. I need a change...I'm not stagnant...I'm just bored. I need a little excitement, a little romance. I want some nice, attractive, interesting, young-ish man to take me out for a nice night on the town; someplace where you dress up and use your best manners, but are also at liberty to laugh and have fun! Dinner and dancing perhaps...I'm looking for a good, strong lead...to sweep my off my feet!