31 March 2011

We can't stay like this forever but I can have you next to me today

Whenever things start going well, whenever I start to feel happy about the friendships and relationships I am enjoying, I always get paranoid.

"If we just keep our eyes wide open then everything will stay the same."

This is part of the reason for my recent insomnia. I don't want to go to sleep and wake to find them all gone. A few in particular.

Tuesday night was one of those moments. We had planned to ride together but my attempts at repairing my car took longer than expected. By the time it was drivable again I was already late. I decided to go anyway, hoping to catch at least half. I got there just before intermission. When I walked in, I saw him sitting alone at the other end of an empty row. Of course I sat by him.

When it was over we walked out together and he mentioned his next activity. I asked if he'd mind if I tagged along to the music store around the corner. After browsing a bit he purchased a CD and we left. Standing on the curb in the light of the streetlamp, he asked what I was doing next. At 10pm I thought of my bed but shrugged instead. He said he needed to do some homework and was planning to watch a movie then proceeded to invite himself to my house for a movie/homework party.

We didn't talk much, just watched some random stuff on TV while I studied Spanish and he worked on homework. He gave me a new nickname: La Rue. When his eyes and brain were too tired to focus on homework he opened the new CD and pulled out the liner notes while importing. He read the lyrics to some of the songs as though reading poetry...

By this time I had set my Spanish aside and was curled up on the couch next to him. He said I could kick him out when I needed to go to bed. I wanted so say I could never kick him out, that I wished he would never leave, but I couldn't say that. I wanted to say that I'd endure any breadth and depth of sleep deprivation in order to not have to be alone. But I didn't say that either. He left around 12:30am, insisting he needed to let me get some sleep.

Now I'm sitting on my front porch swing waiting for him and a few others to come watch a movie with me...of course that's a bit of a rouse, I don't care if we watch a movie or just sit and talk. Thursdays are my difficult days because they are the most time I spend alone all week. Earlier I felt myself slipping so I sent a message requesting a few people to come for a movie at 7pm. Now it's 8:20pm and no one is here yet. They are coming, they said they are coming so I'm not sinking. I'm just writing and doing homework.

For every "hello" there is an equal "goodbye" whether because of death or just the ever-changing motions of life, I understand this and I'm learning to be more okay with it...but I don't want it to happen yet. I know "we can't stay like this forever but" I'm soaking up all the having them "next to me today" that I can. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Right now there are more important things than sleep.

It's 3am now, they've just left and I'm deciding whether to pull an all-nighter, writing my one page paper for American Lit or just go to bed and wake up in four and a half hours with the hope that it's enough to function and write my paper later.

The conversation tonight reassured me that they (particularly him) aren't going away any time soon. It baffles me every day when I call and he comes. They like spending time with me, they like me and being around me...that realization also baffles me. People I love and want to be around also love and want to be around me? How is that possible? And yet...they came, they stayed till almost 3am. We talked and understood each other in a way that most others don't seem to these days.

Yeah, I think I'll keep my eyes open a little longer and maybe I can hold on to this until I really am ready to let go.

27 March 2011

A distressing A

The last paper I wrote for Bio Comp is what sent me spinning. It barely even scratched the surface, but the attempt at a dive sent me spinning. Now I can't seem to breach the surface again. But it earned me an A. It was the first paper I really felt, completely. I hate that I have to feel in order to write anything worth reading. The only feelings I have to write from are pain, loss, and insufficiency...and darkness. The best way for me to get an A on my next paper and in the class is to expound this story...but I'm not sure what that will do to my sanity.

On the one hand, writing the story and allowing it to be read and validated by my classmates and teacher might be just what I need to finish working through it and finally get over it. On the other hand, it might just pull me in and trap me under the depths, irretrievably...unless I'm already there.

Tonight was not so good. It was my mistake. I let myself hope that Thursday was not an exception, but the new rule. I let myself hope that...well, it doesn't matter what I hoped for, what matters is that things did not go at all the way I hoped, quite the opposite actually. The funny thing is that Fozzy was the one who noticed and cared...but I don't know him well enough yet to explain...and now he thinks I'm mad at him. I can't articulate when I'm in that place. I can't explain that it's not about what it seems to be about. I'm complex and I'm sentimental and I'm sensitive...and sometimes that part of me just doesn't play well with others. Niffer, Pacman, and The Artist were my saving grace...and after the fact, so was Fozzy.

I'm tired and hungry and emotional...so I'm going to bed now and maybe things will look better in the morning. And maybe I'll figure out another way to get an A in my class. Or maybe I'll find a way to get through it on my own without letting it drag me down and drown me.

26 March 2011

A Happy Birthday

I was really not excited about my birthday this year. Something about it being the last year of my 20's really cast a cloud over the event. I didn't want a big party, I didn't want a big fuss. But I didn't want to be alone either.

By the time I got on the train to come home from school I was feeling pretty glum. The cold, gloomy rain was partially at fault, but also, my thoughts were turning against me. In an attempt to not get my hopes up I tried to convince myself that everyone I had asked to come over last night would bail on me. No or low expectation means lower disappointment, right?

Bestest Friend and Ellie Belle came around 3:30pm. It's been a couple weeks since we've had a chance to sit and talk, and it was nice that Ellie Belle wasn't "outraged baby" for the first time in months. Bestest Friend is so strong and dignified that I sometimes forget that she struggles too. As I told her of the darkness I've been struggling with since spring break, she said, "Why don't you call me when you get like that? You need to call me...because I'm probably there too and I'm wishing you would call me. I need you too." She's married and has a baby and a job and I don't want to burden her with my troubles...but she says I'm not a burden, she says she wants me to call so we can unburden each other. I miss her more than I've ever missed almost anyone else in my life. She's the one who gets me. She's the one who knows everything and yet still tells me to call her w
hen I get into the darkness...she knows how dark it gets and yet, she wants to hold my hand through it. I'm so grateful for my Bestest Friends...so often through the years she's been the thought that keeps me hanging on when all I want to do it let go and give up. She's my sanity and my saving

Bestest Friend and Elle Belle had to go home around 5:30pm. I knew they wouldn't be available all night on my birthday so I made a backup plan for getting me through. About three weeks ago I asked Gonzo if he would make me his plans for the 24th. He was the one I most wanted because it is impossible for me to be depressed when I'm with him. At first I thought of making it just the two of us but then I decided I wanted a few others around too. I didn't want anything big. I didn't want to invite everyone I know and make it some huge ordeal that I would get lost and drown out in. So I thought about the people I feel most comfortable with. I thought about the people who really care about me. I thought about the people I know love me just because I'm me. I thought of the people who make me happy.

I told The Artist, HeyPay and Chelle they were "required". Niffer and Pacman were next to be invited. Pola and Pants, Page. Turner and Bob were invited but didn't make it. Interestingly enough, it was the last minute addition that really made the night so much better than I could have imagined. (He's taking the picture).

We'll call him Fozzy Bear (wocka wocka). At first he seems like some random outrageously spectacular comic relief type of guy. He's fairly new to the 47th ward but he's been coming to ward prayer and FHE so we've been in the process of bonding over the last month or so. We were going to go camping this weekend with Gonzo and a few others but I have to work so Fozzy rescheduled the outing for a few weeks from now so I can go too.

He showed up at my house last night carrying a bouquet of multi-colored daisies. He said every girl should have flowers on her birthday! HeyPay brought me white roses too! I was secretly hoping someone would give me flowers. White roses and rainbow daisies were perfect!

I decided I wanted to make dinner. I wanted to serve and to show my friends how much I appreciate them. From the Greek Festival last year I got a recipe for Greek Chicken. So I made that with lemon rice and salad. It turned out really well and there were no leftovers. Gonzo, Pola and Pants were late getting there and all the food was gone by the time they got there.

When Fozzy realized that I had made dinner on my birthday, he kinda yelled at me a little. He said I should have told him to bring food, that you shouldn't have to do anything on your birthday. Every time I started doing anything (cleaning up, getting the cookies for dessert, taking pictures) he told me loudly and sternly to sit down and let him or someone else do it. He also made me be in some pictures. He said I had to be in my own birthday pictures. I've never had someone be so delightfully bossy to me before. It made me feel special that he would be so insistent that I not do anything except enjoy my birthday!

Gonzo decided that salad was not enough food for him so he and Fozzy went to the store to get some snackage and brownie mix. When they got back Gonzo handed me the newest CD by The Decemberists, The King is Dead, and told me happy birthday. I was not expecting gifts of any sort (just being with friends was all I wanted), but flowers and that CD were the best gifts, they were thoughtful and "me". Gonzo made the brownies (my favorite treat) and then we played cards (something I was hoping to do anyway). I'm really good at organizing things, bringing people together and such, but I'm not so good figuring out what to do once everyone is assembled. Back in the day of Frogkisser and Hollyoak I provided the location (since the college is practically in my backyard, and then they took over form there. One thing I already love about Fozzy is that he's a doer. He organized a Muppet party for Saturday night and he's planning camp outs and all sorts of things. I can spread the word and he does the rest.

Besides playing cards, we watched some youtube videos and just kinda hung out and talked for a while. Then I had asked The Artist to bring the drawings he's been working on. Gonzo stopped in the pink room to play the piano for a minute and so The Artist and I sat there to look at the drawings while he played. Everyone else came in within minutes. Niffer and Pacman left, and Fozzy decided it was time for my other birthday present. A couple weeks ago after the ward talent show he demonstrated his talent as a fire eater. He went outside with HeyPay, Gonzo and Pola while I finished looking at The Artist's drawings. Then I went outside when Gonzo came back in and said that HeyPay was going to try eating fire too. It's a very exciting thing to watch, and I'm so impressed that Fozzy, Gonzo, HeyPay and Pola all did it...I couldn't get up my courage to do it yet though. I figured getting burned on my birthday wasn't the greatest idea.

All in all, it turned out to be one of the best birthdays I've ever had. The only one that even comes close is my 22nd birthday back in 2004...that was the last time most of my friends from the SLCC era were all together. That birthday was a week-long party with some of the dearest people I've ever known. Thinking back, I miss them all so much. I am, however, grateful for the new friends I have who made this year second best (if not tied for first) birthday of all time.

I am so grateful for all the dear friends I have had and for the ones I have now...as well as the ones I know will come in the future. I am grateful that I could celebrate my birthday with people who always make me feel loved and wanted. I love them all so much! :) If I have to continue being single, at least I'm in good company. At least we can travel the road together so none of us have to worry about making it alone.

19 March 2011

words that mean more than they say

"I'm not a bad man. I know I'm the villain in your story, but I'm not a bad man."
~ Grey's Anatomy

Each person has a story titled, Life According to Me. This is how each individual sees the world. This is the culmination of experience and education. This story determines how we interpret and respond to life and to other people. We all interact in each others' stories; we all have to learn how to understand and accept each others' stories.

Each person who comes into our lives plays a role. Some are small and seem insignificant, others are constant and extremely significant. Some are heroes, some are villains, some are comic relief, some are tragic figures, some are just there. The thing to remember about each of these people who participate in our lives is that they are much more than just how we see them. A person who is a hero in my life could very well play a villain in someone else's life. The same is true in the reverse. Just because someone has been a villain in my life, it doesn't make him a bad man.

And, this applies further. Just because one man has been a villain, doesn't mean all men are villains. Or, just because a man has been hurt by a woman, doesn't mean they will be hurt by all women. Each individual is unique and each experience is a new opportunity to rewrite bits and pieces of the story. With each new experience, new understanding and a new perspective are possibilities.

I'm just rambling, trying to figure things out.

No Troubles Bubbles

Yesterday was a strange day. Too much sleep, too much alone time, not enough food, not enough contact with the sane world. I guess I got a little lost inside myself. In that place where nothing is logical I don't know how to reach outside myself and ask for help. So my deranged brain came up with a reality (based on personal history) that was completely inaccurate. Lucky for me, the victim of my delusion wasn't lying when he said he doesn't scare easily.

I need to learn to call people when I start feeling that way. I can't change my thought process on my own. Once the lie takes root in my brain, it spreads so quickly that I lose sight of reality. Not all reality, just where that one thought is concerned.

The situation went like this:

Sunday I asked if we could go to his cousin's photography exhibit together (last night was opening night), and he said yes. I didn't mention it the rest of the week, I didn't even really talk with him at all since Monday. The darkness started closing in on Thursday night and the lie took hold. He never initiates contact anymore, he would much rather go to the show with someone else, he would rather I disappear and not talk to him anymore. He wouldn't even notice if I did. He's going to forget that he said we could go together and he'll bale on me. Yesterday all these thoughts kept swirling in my mind until I ended up in tears of disappointment without any real foundation. I finally sent him a text, asking what time he was going to go to the show. He didn't respond until he tried to call me, but I was at work by then and couldn't answer. He didn't leave a message.

By this time a couple other people had texted me and asked if anything was going on. So I sent a text saying that we would meet at my house at 7:45pm to go to the exhibit. I sent the message to him as well and he responded with, "I'm up in Layton right now and i'm going to stop by on my way back. I might see you there." That sent me over the edge. I wasn't very nice in my response, though I could have been more mean, I was more just depressed. "I had a feeling you forgot. I'm sorry, I'll stop bugging you. Have fun in Layton." He responded, "I didn't actually. I've just been running around like crazy today trying to get stuff ready for tomorrow." I commented that it was just bad timing with his one-track mind, wished him luck on getting things done, and told him to let me know if he needed any help. He said, "I suck" to which I responded, "You know that saying that doesn't get you off the hook, right? And you don't suck." By that time we were almost at the exhibit. The next text I got from him asked, "Where you at?" He beat us to the exhibit.

I felt bad for giving him a hard time. I really should have handled the situation differently. I was in sabotage mode. I get that way when I really care about a guy. I try to push him away to see if he really cares, to see if he will stay even when I'm a little crazy or a little unkind. I don't do it on purpose. I sit there screaming at myself in my head, trying to force myself to stop, but it doesn't work.

I don't trust men. I don't believe that any exist who are honest and loyal, and who can love me. So far, he is and he does. People call him a flake, but he hasn't let me down yet, not when I most need him to follow through. A text or a phone call from him to say that he had remembered and might be late, or would need to meet me there would have been helpful, but he's a guy and doesn't think of that sort of thing. I'll teach him. I taught The Artist that. I think part of my purpose in the lives of these bachelors is to teach them some of these common courtesies.

We had a nice time at the exhibit. He was a little stressed because he still needed to get some things done for today, especially when he realized he'd left something in Layton that he really needed so he had to leave early to go get it. I felt bad for razzing him. Later I sent him a text apologizing for being a jerk and thanking him for making time for me even though he was so stressed. I wasn't expecting a response because it was late and he doesn't do well with responding anyway, but he did.

His response was, "No troubles bubbles."

17 March 2011


Sometimes my feelings are difficult to distinguish. I'm in one of those moments right now. I feel like something is coming, and I'm not sure what. It doesn't feel ominous exactly, but I'm not sure I'm going to like whatever it is. Things are shifting and I'm trying to be open to whatever is coming, see the change as opportunity instead of loss but I'm having a hard time with it.

I want social stability but there's no such thing, especially when you're a young single adult. People are so transient in this phase of life, they come and go so quickly sometimes; if not physically moving around, then emotionally shifting from one social group to another. Maybe I have new people coming into my life, but that doesn't mean I'm ok losing the ones who have been around for a while. I guess I'm feeling a little left behind and I don't understand why. I don't understand how people who once claimed to care, and who claimed to love me could suddenly turn around and decide to ignore and reject me. They get new friends, who (for reasons I don't understand) don't even give me a chance, don't even try to get to know me, and I lose the friends who claimed to care. It hurts, but what can I do? I wish they would come right out and tell me why they no longer want to be my friend instead of just disappearing or treating me with silence.

I don't like that I can feel people leaving before they actually do; it makes me miss them longer. It's difficult to miss someone when they are sitting right beside you, and yet, I do. I care too much about other people so it's hard for me to understand when others don't care about me. I take care of others, so it's hard to understand why I don't have someone there to take care of me.

It's taken over a year, but I'm finally ready for a new relationship. It's been fun having a social group again, being single and doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without having to consult a significant other...but now I'm tired of making all the decisions alone. My hands are cold and weary of being empty. My heart is lonely and my arms ache to hold someone again. I miss having someone who wants to talk to me all the time. I miss being adored and I miss that look in a guy's eye that sends a tingle up my spine and lets me know he's going to kiss me. Mmm, I miss kissing. I miss the giddy excitement and the warm contentment of just being...with him...but I don't miss any of the "hims" from my past...I miss being in a relationship and I'm ready to begin a new one.

The trouble is finding someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.

I'll admit, I hoped for a moment that something would develop with Gonzo because my writing has never been so deliciously inspired by anyone ever! But I knew at the first inkling of romantic notion (on my part) that we're only meant to be friends. Just to be sure, though, I asked him two weeks ago if he's ever had feelings for me. He said no, without hesitation, and that was that. I wanted to talk more about it but I lost my words. Last week I finally found my words. We talked and I'm content. I wish we'd known each other longer. I wish we'd had more time to develop a more significant friendship. Now I feel like it's too late. I mean, we're close...kind of. But the depth of friendship I want with him feels kind of unlikely. He doesn't need me. I need his creative influence, I want his compassion and dear caring heart, but it seems I could disappear tonight and he wouldn't really notice.

Then again, maybe he cares more than I see. The Artist keeps telling me that people care about me more than they are able to show or say. I'm pretty up front about how I feel about people. I make a point of telling them how much I love them because I don't want them to feel lonely or like no one cares. But I'm not who they want...

Well, I've tangented now, a lot. Um, the point is, I feel like something is coming (and/or going) and I'm trying to be open-minded and positive. I hope it's a new relationship. I hope it's deeper friendship. I hope it's good stuff. I hope it's better intuition, or better understanding of my intuition. La la, oh well. Que sera sera. Life is good and getting better all the time.

16 March 2011

The Passion and The Poetry

I need to find something to be passionate about besides men and romance. Gonzo said he doesn't mind being my Muse, but I'm beginning to mind. I need someone else, no, something else to inspire my creativity. I've tried listening to various types of music, watching movies, reading books and poetry, wandering in nature, experiencing all sorts of things in life...and yet, all I write about is love, generally new (flirtation and intrigue of beginning a relationship), or unrequited, or lost love.

They say to write what you know. I know all of these. But I know more than just matters of the heart...and I know other matters of the heart besides romantic ones. So why is that my main creative focus? Ugh! I really need to find words for other experiences. I need to find somewhere else to focus my passion.

Stay tuned, we'll see what happens.

15 March 2011

Don't Silence the Poets

Tonight was my ward talent show. I have not participated in a talent show since my sister and I did a dance to Singin' in the Rain when we were in elementary school. Tonight I decided I should stop hiding behind my fears and start exposing my poetry. I generally don't like people to even read it, let alone reading it myself in front of a bunch of people, so this was a pretty huge deal for me. Two of my poems are being published in the literary journal at school so I chose to share one of those poems.

The trouble is that poetry is a dying art. People don't appreciate it the way they used to. There are still many people who write it, but it's not as big a deal as it once was. Back in the day it was thought of as the highest art form, now it's mostly cliche and cheesy. I've been told by poets and non-poets a like that my poetry is pretty good stuff, but it didn't win the talent show. All people care about now is music. So maybe what I'll do next time is collaborate with one of my many musically inclined friends and turn my poem into a song. I'd like to learn to play piano and guitar so I could write it all myself, but I might as well utilize the talents of others sometimes. We learned about writing ballads, maybe I'll try for a few more of those and see if anything inspires a tune out of Gonzo or my new friend AC.

After the talent show we went to Village Inn. I took some of my poetry in with me because Chelle has been asking to read some and I told The Artist I'd bring some for him to read too. After a while most of the people cleared out and it was just Pola, Gonzo, AC, and me left talking about art and words, poetry, music, and the like. Those are my favorite moments these days. I love talking with Gonzo and AC in particular. They are both so artistic. They are musicians, photographers, writers, and generally just ooze creativity, which I soak up like fresh bread. Being around artistic types inspires my own art. Being friends with Gonzo over the last few months has been like having an intimate friendship with a Greek Muse (except they were all girls and Gonzo's a boy, but you know what I mean). I want to surround myself with artists of all sorts.

I wish I had put more effort into other mediums of creativity. I took some drawing classes in jr. high school and I actually showed a lot of potential. I always wanted to create great visual masterpieces. I love photography also, and I've taken some pretty good pictures in my day. I think I have great potential to excel in many of the arts, I just need to put forth the time and attention required to develop the raw talents. I've never been very disciplined. I'm surprised I'm doing so much with my writing actually. But there is so much more that I could be doing. Maybe that's what I'll do over this week while I'm on spring break. I'll bust out my own drawing stuff, take my camera and go out in search of inspiration. I'll write and draw and photograph everything. Maybe one of these days I'll ask Gonzo or AC to teach me to play the guitar or piano...so many possibilities!

12 March 2011

Theory of Friendship

I've been dreaming a lot recently. I'm not sure why, other than that I've had some things on my mind and it's my subconscious's way of working things out when my conscious can't. Most, if not all, of the dreams I've had in the last two weeks have had appearances by one particular person. I've never dreamed of him before, not that I can recall anyway, but he's been my subconscious's central focus for at least the last couple of weeks.

Last night I asked him to come over so I could try (for the fifth time in two weeks) to talk with him in an attempt to settle myself where he's concerned. I immediately tried to convince myself he wouldn't come...but he did. I have this irrational fear that if someone is important to me, or if I particularly care for someone, he (it's generally only guys that this happens with) will suddenly decide he doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm constantly afraid of "scaring guys away" by my too-niceness, or that they will find out about my struggles with depression and anxiety and decide I'm "too much" for them.

This has been my fear concerning this friend, even though he's told me before that he's not going anywhere. I needed to know but didn't know how to ask. All my life I've been looking for a particular kind of friend. The Artist comes very close, but there are certain aspects of this friend that he doesn't quite possess. The more I get to know this other guy, however, the more I see in him the person I've been hoping would come around. I told him of my fears and he just smiled and told me (once again) that he doesn't scare easily. I asked his theory of friendship, and he said he doesn't really have one, that he'd never thought about it. But then he told me a story of a friend who had become "too much" and his philosophy was made clear. And it meshes very well with my own.

Of course he's not exactly the friend I've been dreaming of forever, that person is an ideal and therefore no one will ever live up to all my qualifications, but my dear friend showed me last night that he is pretty much as close as I'm going to get. I've actually known it for months, but I keep trying to convince myself to the contrary. Despite all evidence, I could not believe that my hope had finally been realized. He's in my heart as deep as it goes and I am beyond grateful for his influence in my life.

So between him and The Artist, and a few others, I'm content for now. I don't like that I'm still single, I'd much rather be married and having babies, but that's not what is right in my life yet. So, I'll be grateful for my friendships and keep the hope that one day another amazing man will come into my life and be the other guy I've been dreaming of and hoping for. Maybe I'm getting closer. I don't know. Maybe there are still too many friends who need me. I don't know. All I know is that I'm so grateful for who I do have around me in this moment.

P.S. I'll call him Peter from now on. I know it seems like a funny nickname, but it makes sense to me.

09 March 2011


Two of my poems are being published in Weber State University's literary journal! Out of the five poems I submitted, they chose two! I hoped they would choose at least one, but I never imagined two! I'm ecstatic! I'm being published! Maybe this will give me the courage to submit some poems elsewhere...we'll see.

05 March 2011

Sand in the Glass

Sometimes I think it would be nice to go back in time and fix some of the mistakes I've made, or simply make other choices in order to pursue a different path. Then, as I start tallying all the moments I want to change, I realize there are too many of them. I might as well break the glass altogether and watch the sand blow away in the wind.

So, instead of worrying about the past, I need to learn to live in the present and make better choices now so I won't keep looking back with the desire to change what has been. There are actually very few things I would change about the last eight years or so.

About eight years ago around this time is when I finally crawled out from the shell I'd been hiding under all my life and decided to actually LIVE! In that time so many fantastic people have come into my life, some of whom are still around, many of whom have moved on to new places. I've enjoyed many great experiences and I have learned and changed so much over the years. With few exceptions the last eight years have been the best of my life.

Right now the only thing I wish I could change is something I have been working on for longer than the last eight years. I've made progress, I'm much better than I have ever been before, but I'm still so inept in this particular area that it's difficult to see how I will ever be able to overcome. The trouble is that I need outside help. I've struggled with it for so long on my own that I realize I can't do it alone. But where can I find the help I need? I have some ideas, but I'm not sure how to ask.

I feel the need to explain, but I haven't had the words. Maybe it's not important. Maybe none of this is actually as big or as significant as I'm making it out to be? I just don't know. I really have no idea what's going on and it's driving me a little crazy. I'm not really sure how to figure it out without talking about it, but I don't know how to talk about it without risking a negative result. I wish I could just stop thinking about it, stop feeling about it, and just move on to something else. Ugh! I want to be done with this already.

Can I just drop a few more pieces of sand and come out on the other side of this predicament? Please? I want to see how this turns out so I know how to get there without making too many more mistakes along the way. If only it worked that way.

01 March 2011

you keep me holding on

Sometimes we have conversations in my head. I talk to you a lot these days actually. It helps me hold on through those moments of loneliness when they won't go away. I picture you saying the words I most need to hear. You hold me and tell me it won't be long now; just hold on a little longer and you'll really be here. But I'm tired of giving you words. I'm tired of talking myself into believing you'll turn around one day and see me seeing you. I'm tired, but I'll keep holding on...I hope wherever you are, you're thinking of me and putting words in my mouth too.

I give you different faces, since I don't know what you look like. I know they aren't you, but they contribute substance and tangibility to the ghostly impression I have of you. There are one or two in particular right now that are closer to being you than any have been before. Hugging them, talking with them, just being with them gives me the hope to keep holding on until everything is right for us. But there's always that little something missing...they pull away too soon, or don't say quite the right thing...

One used to look at me in that way you look at me when we're talking in my mind. He gave me tingles and heart palpitations and inspiration...but now it's faded and fading. He made it easier to hold on, but now...I wish you'd come. It's all too much for me to get through on my own. I'm stronger than ever, I'm working harder than I ever have before and I've made a lot of progress...but there are days when all I want is you, when nothing helps because you're not here.

It's getting harder, but I'm still here, holding on....