22 March 2013

everyday friend

i'm not the type of girl who believes friendship is a special occasion or desperate need situation.  i'm an everyday friend kind of person.  i'm here for the ins and outs, the boring and exciting, the darkness and the light.  i've almost always been that way.  (one exception was a little over a year ago when i was deeply depressed and anxious and taking medication...i wasn't the best friend to certain people and i am sorry about that...a few of them were not very understanding and not such a great friend to me, but i hope someday we can reconcile...i've tried but...).  anyway.  in a general, open and willing kind of way i always try to be an everyday friend.  in a more literal sense, however, there have been times in my life when i have had friends i saw and/or spoke to every single day for a period of time.  sometimes it's been one individual.  other times it has been a few or whole groups of people.  in my lonely and discouraged moments i miss them dearly.

Bestest Friend was my first.  once upon a time when we were teenagers and lived half a block from each other, we were everyday friends.  we saw each other for at least a few minutes nearly (if not) every day.  if we didn't see each other, we at least talked to each other.  i guess i could count Glenda, Lynnette, Jessica, and a few others from high school as everyday friends.  then when i was in college, my list of everyday friends grew exponentially.  Christa, Crystal, Malissa, Emily, Rachael, Paul, Scott, Jason, Paige, Katie, Omar, Andy, Jerry, Rob, Jon, Karen, Jimmy, Walt, Aaron, Ember, Missy, Jonathan...and the list went on and on.  i miss those days so much right now.  i know i should just be grateful for all the amazing people i've known and all the friendlies i have because i've been single so long...but i'm so tired of loving and losing and always ending up alone again. i am currently severely deficient in hugs and companionship.  it's not good for me to be alone so much, i get too caught up inside my head. i've tried so hard for so long to befriend my head but it just refuses to be kind.

that group disbanded, but i still had pieces, a few of them stuck around.  i had Ruthie and Bubba and the other ladies at Hancock Fabrics, then Courtney at Seagull Book.  i had the weasel...for quite a while he was one of my longest running and most involved everyday friends.  part of that was good...part really not so good because i'm still dealing with some of the mental and emotional abuse, but aside from that, it was good to have someone so consistently there when no one else was.  then i had Erin and Brian, then Weston...and the Cyprus CU crew, Erin and Todd in particular.

Brian continued (my longest running almost everyday friend...he's married now so i don't get to see him everyday anymore, i miss him), Heather, Niv, Rachelle, Cory, the Williams siblings (another couple of "friends" who turned out to be backstabbers, but i was very grateful for them at the time), Laurel, Amy, Cody, Jenn, Brett, and others who were nearly everyday friends.  Zak (referred to here as Will because he's the guy who has come closest to being my Will Tippin...Alias reference)...for a while we were everyday friends.  aside from Bestest Friend he has been the most dear and positively influential everyday friend i've ever had.  i miss him most of all. 

i have my Seagals (as Eraine calls us...though she got it from someone else)...Eraine, Myelle, Mary, Cassie, and Diane in particular...but hours are sparse right now so we don't really work together for more than 20 - 45 minutes, plus, we're at work so we have a lot to get done.

the most recent everyday friend-type person was Photo.  my intention at the beginning was friendship, then it rocketed into much more than friendship but due to some inconvenient and unfortunate circumstances we had to back up...and i lost another everyday friend.  i miss him too.  we still text most days, which is good and helpful, but it's not real conversation like it was, it's minimal.  i asked him to come over tonight because i haven't been settled with where we stand since he "broke up with me" (technically i had broken up with him about a month ago but last week or so he broke up with me).  he doesn't love me anymore (romantically speaking) because he's not available to love me...his intentions are good but it's never fun to hear that you're not loved anymore.  you wonder if it was ever love or if it was just physical infatuation.  after talking tonight i think i can work on convincing my heart that he meant it before, he's just trying to do the right thing.  he's plucked me out of his heart and thrown those feelings away...but we're trying for friends now.  i wish he could be my everyday friend.

i have a lot of friendly people in my life.  i still consider as friends almost everyone i've listed.  i would do anything for any of them at a moment's notice if they asked.  they have their own particular place in my heart.  every person i have ever cared about still has a place in my heart.  but people get busy and life takes them far and away and they don't have time or space from little old me.  they get married and have children (as is the way it's supposed to be) and they carry on with their lives...

i would like to move on too.  i would like to have a husband (then i would have an eternal everyday friend) but for reasons i can't imagine, he's just not out there for me.  maybe someday, but i can't really count on that.  so how do i stop needing and wanting an everyday friend?  the pool of available everyday friends is evaporating and the drought is setting in.  i need to find another job to take up my time and attention.  i need to make lots of money so i can move in with roommates...but they will just be more momentary everyday friends.  i'm tired of etching people in my heart just to have them turn around and leave.  i try to not think of it that way but i feel so abandoned these days so it's getting harder and harder to be grateful for what i had without feeling the intense void.

i'm trying.  i'm working on finding that job and figuring out how to be content on my own.  i've been working for years to fix what is broken inside of me so that i won't be so needy, so i won't need someone to be there every day just to give me a reason to get out of bed, to keep trying.  my life just feels so pointless.  i feel so lost and alone and it makes it really hard to keep going.  but i do.  and i always will.  so i'm hoping and looking for a new everyday friend.  send him/her my way if you know of someone else who is looking for an everyday friend like me.

20 March 2013

always on my mind

i should probably change the name of this blog to pity party central or something.  i know i whine and complain a lot.  i'm like a broken record...i try not to be so negative but i just don't know what else to do with myself.  i'm not like this in person.  i'm actually a lot of fun most of the time.  even when i complain in person i usually make the people laugh while i'm trying not to cry.  i'm afraid i've lost some of my sense of humor recently.  funny thing is that my life isn't really so bad...compared to some anyway.  i have enough food, a nice place to live, people who care about me, many of the comforts of middle class America.  and yet, i'm not happy.  most of the time i am downright depressed.  but i'm in the middle of that somewhere too.  i'm not depressed enough that i can't function (most of the time).  i get up, go to work, hang out with friends, move about like a normal human being...but most of the time it's just going through the motions, the bare bones of existence.

i collect pieces of life that i cling to, hoping that they will be enough to keep me going one more day.  i cling to people like lifelines, afraid i'll sink and drown if i don't have someone to hold not to.  but no one sticks around for long.  i'm working on letting go.  i don't call and text Bestest Friend or Will every day anymore...i try not to contact them much at all...they're content in their current lives which no longer include me on a daily basis.  it's ok.  i'm happy for them...i miss them...but i'm happy for them.  i don't want to burden or hold back anyone.  for a while i was a daily fixture in Photo's life.  we still exchange a handful of texts a day and see each other now and then, but i feel like he doesn't love me, doesn't want me.  there's a barrier keeping us apart in some ways, but it seems to be keeping us apart in more ways than it needs to.  at least in my mind.  maybe he didn't actually love me like he said.  if he loved me then, why does he suddenly not love me now?  we have terrible communication.  i don't remember the last time we had a real face to face conversation...you know, meaningful and sincere.  i don't really remember the last time i had that kind of conversation with anyone actually...no wonder i feel so void and pointless...and unloved.

i sometimes feel like an anchor, like i hold people in a safe place for a while but then instead of pulling me in and taking me with them when they are ready to move from that place, they cut me off and leave me stuck in the muck in the murky deep.  i provide some sort of safety and stability for them but when they are done they leave me behind.  and i am left, untethered and adrift.  i can't find my place in this world.  i can't figure out where to be or what to do.  where do i belong?  what is my purpose in life? do i even have a purpose?  i'm supposed to have the answer...but it doesn't seem to fit in my existence...i don't fit in that box.  i try so hard to do what's "right" but it just makes me feel more wrong and lost and alone.  but doing what's "wrong" doesn't really make things better either.  i don't know what to think or feel or do these days.  i don't know how to function so i spend most of my time in distraction just trying to survive until i'm allowed to go. 

it's nearly 1am so i should try to sleep.  i have been sick, though and now it's moving to my throat and lungs which means that if i try to sleep i will end up coughing and not sleeping.  unless i take medicine...but i've taken nyquil 3 nights in a row and i'm feeling the hangover...and the depression that tends to come with the medication.  so maybe i'll just stay up all night?  i don't know.  i wish i had someone to talk to, or hold on to, or...but i don't.  in the night time, i don't have anyone...except this space.  so maybe we'll call this pity party central or woes and ravings of an insomniac.  or maybe just the not-so-fantastic funk.

18 March 2013

birthday wishes

"what do you want for your birthday?" is always a difficult question for me to answer. this year i need money for new tires and to register my car, and for Boston in 6 months. B&N gift cards are always appreciated. but all i really want is all i ever really want...quality time with the people i most adore. i want to feel loved and wanted and adored. i want to feel safe and at home and comfortably not alone. i want hugs and just to be held. i want the horrible aching, cavernous emptiness inside of me to feel full for just a little while. i want to be the priority. i want to be treated like the most important person...just for a moment...like i matter more in that moment than anything else; like people care that i was born, like life is better because i'm alive. i know i should be able to find that assurance and confidence in myself, without needing to hear it from someone else, but i'm not there yet and a person is supposed to be fussed over and made to feel special on their birthday.

i want Will, Photo, HeyPay, Chelle, The Artist and Nat, D-Ham, Packman and Niffer, Pola and Pants...i want others too, all the people i have ever cared about and spent any sort of quality time with...the ones mentioned a couple posts ago "happiness is" but that's not possible. i'll take what i can get i suppose. i'll be grateful for what i get.
Will won't be there. i miss him most. i don't like living without him but i've learned to accept his absence...as i have accepted the absence of so many others i would rather have not lost. but life is loss. i prayed so hard that someone else would come before Will went away becaus i knew that loss would be harder to bear than most...though i can't really explain why. he gave me something i've never found anywhere else, something that made life easier, better, more inspired when i was with him. i don't know that i'll ever find that kind of influence again. i thought i found someone close, someone to at least ease the ache of deep loss, if not bring greater comfort and inspiration, but it seems i was wrong. i'm alone. no Will (except once a month or so), no one to fill the emptiness.

i don't want to get out of bed. i do because i have bills to pay and going to work often makes me feel i little worth living (especially when i work with my favorite coworkers). but i'm not living. i'm going through the motions, surviving on the vague hope that someday someone will come and give me a reason to revive. i want love. Christmas, my birthday, and every second of every day all i ever want is  sincere and constant love. the one thing i'm not allowed.

so, tires, books, music, trinkets, whatever. i don't want things, i have things. i want time and truth and heart.

09 March 2013

fading away

i miss him. i wish i didn't care, it would make the silence easier. but it's never easy because i always care...too much. it seems he's losing interest; too complicated, too much else going on so he doesn't have time or room for me. just proves my point, i'll never be his main concern.  after all i've been through, i think i deserve to be someone's every thought and desire...maybe not. maybe that's another fictitious ideal instead of a romantic possibility. yeah there are barriers and boundaries right now, but i hoped it would make us closer in the non physical ways, better friends on which to build more later...all it's done is make him more distant and disinterested.  because everything else in his life is terrible and falling apart, he forgets that i could be the one good thing in his life.  i won't stick around to be ignored and forgotten then picked up when he's not so distracted anymore, i've been there too many times and i deserve better than that.  i deserve to be wanted and adored and appreciated for treating him so well and standing by him regardless of all the debris falling all around him.  but there is no more "morning" and very few words during the day...maybe a "good night"...eventually.  i wait for him to say something, but he doesn't.  i've been particularly depressed but i can't talk to him about it, mainly because i don't think he really cares to know.  i can't talk to people who don't care because i need people to listen and show they love me before i can tell them my heart...except here i guess.  well, i figure only people who care read this regularly, whether they have anything to say about it or not.  maybe i'm wrong, probably i'm wrong.  i'm usually wrong about a lot of things.

yesterday at work a guy who was not unattractive came in. he was a little taller than me, about my average size in body, with moppy blond hair and a kind smile.  i asked if i could help him but he gestured that he was deaf.  we fumbled through a fractured conversation of gestures and smiles, nodding and the few signs i know.  he said the pictures i was hanging on the wall were nice.  i smiled and continued with my work.  he walked away.  then he came back and tried signing.  i didn't understand so he tried finger spelling...which i still didn't quite catch.  i pulled my notebook and pen from my apron pocket and handed them to him.  expecting him to ask for a product we carry, i was surprised when the words "want to hang out sometime?" were scribbled there.  i smiled and wrote, "thank you but i have a boyfriend."  kind of a lie i guess, but i think it's kinder than just a flat rejection, that way leaves the impression of "if i weren't already involved with someone else i would go out with you" or something like that.  i wrote it with an apologetic smile.  he was smiling and kind and gracious.  he wrote something else that i didn't really understand (his handwriting was not very good in my little notebook).

maybe i should have said yes.  i don't know.  it took me by surprise, especially since i was having a not so good appearance day (my lip is still not quite healed from the cold sore, my face is blotchy and my hair is frizzy, plus i probably looked tired because i didn't sleep well and i had to work at 8am which i'm not used to doing these days).  he didn't introduce himself or specify that he wanted to go on a date...and i'm going back to my no just hanging out with new guys rule.  the real kicker is that i have enough trouble communicating with guys who at least share the same language, let alone someone whose language is different from my own.  on the other hand, maybe i should forget about trying to communicate...i don't know.  i'm just tired of the whole dang thing.

after he left, i was telling my coworker what happened and my boss overheard the conversation, so of course she had to put her two cents in.  she said she'd been watching him because he kept looking over at me and he had a puffy jacket so she thought he was trying to steal.  i guess that's one way to get away with theft, agitate the sales associate to distract her from your real purpose.  that would make more sense than him really being interested in me i guess.  sigh, oh well.

maybe i should try harder to fade away.  i wish i could just disappear into a wispy spirit so i don't have to deal with aches of the body or troubles of the soul anymore.  i still don't know what i'm going to do to make more money.  i've been looking and applying for jobs but it's so difficult and depressing.  i never say the right things and/or my timing is off.  i just don't know what to do and i want to stop worrying and just believe it'll work out, but what if it doesn't?  what if i never figure out how to be a fiscally responsible adult?  i've very responsible in just about every other way, but employment is a weak spot for me...it's probably something psychological, but i can't figure out what the problem is.  i'm a good worker once i'm in a job, it's just finding a job that's the trouble.

sorry, i'll stop rambling and complaining now.  i guess that positivity or nothing goal didn't last for long. i'm just trying to talk things out i guess.  thanks for listening.

08 March 2013


as you may have noticed, i've been a little depressed and one-track-minded recently. i want love, my own family, and i want it now! well, that's not happening, and only God knows if/when it will. so i'm working on finding other reasons for which to live and work. i've never had career ambitions, i've never seen myself as a business ladder climber or anything like that. i'm terrible at working for money, i'd rather do something i enjoy for minimum wage than something i hate for a fortune. actually, in an ideal world i'd like to be paid well enough for doing something i enjoy, but we do not live in the kind of world that pays well for the kinds of things i like to do (like working in a bookstore).  oh well. i like the freedom and flexibility of working retail, but i'm tired of being paid so poorly for everything i have to do and put up with. and i really don't like the severe cut in hours that comes during spring and summer months. my current hope is that i can find a second part time job, doing what doesn't really matter much, so i can work both part time jobs at least until September. 

i found something to live for, at least through September.  two of my very best single gir friends and i bought tickets tonight to fly to Boston for a few days in September! i have never been on a vacation with friends before and i am super excited! my tax return deposited in my account yesterday so i have the money for the plane tickets, and now i just need to discipline myself to save every possible penny to pay for my share of the hotel and gas money...and food and sightseeing once we're there. i'll work it out. i'm actively searching for a second job now and i'm putting as much positive energy as i can muster into finding the right fit. if anyone reading this has any info about a part time job you think i might be interested in, please send it my way. thanks! oh, or if you've been to Boston, let me know what are the must-see attractions! 

06 March 2013

i wish...

...snow was warm.
...chocolate and Dr Pepper were good for me and made me healthier and slimmer.
...cars lasted in perfect condition forever and never needed to be repaired.
...sleep came more easily, lasted longer, and left me feeling rested and ready for life.
...all people lived by the standard of leaving thing better than they found them (or at least the same instead of worse), especially with regard to people and also merchandise in retail establishments.
...bodies were allowed only one ailment at a time.
...life was allow to dish out only one catastrophe at a time.
...people you love automatically loved you too, and to the very same degree.
...words would always cooperate.
...friends didn't leave.
...i had more family; aunts, uncles (who live super close so i could see them regularly), cousins, etc.
...i had grandparents (at all), especially ones who knew just what to say to make things better when life turns topsy.
...careers were not necessary (unless wanted), and people were paid according to how well they do their job rather than according to some objective and completely unfair pay scale.
...educators and literacy advocates (library and bookstore workers) were paid more than sports players and movie stars.
...silence and distance didn't hurt so much.
...medical and dental aid didn't cost so much.
...i had a giant teddy bear that could wrap me in its arms and hold me while i fall asleep so i don't feel so empty and alone at night.
...cold sores could be cured.
...the love of my life would just come already.
...my head would stop hurting.
...my everything would stop hurting.
...i didn't have to wake up tomorrow.
...i had money to go to Boston in September with HeyPay and Chelle.
...my siblings and i were better friends.
...i had a mentor.
...i could write well enough to be published and widely read.
...i had something worth writing.
...i were a true artist.
...i were a dancer.
...i wasn't so selfish and depressed so often.
...i could still see Bestest Friend, The Artist, and Will every day.
...someone would hold me and kiss me.
...wishing on stars could actually make wishes come true.
...promises were unbreakable.
...someone would figure out and give me the most perfect birthday present (i don't think i've ever told anyone what i want most of all).
...i didn't have to be so alone all the time.
...i could be more consistently positive (i really do try).
...i could be a mom.
...someone understood me and knew me and knew what i need and need to hear when i feel like i do today.
...i never felt like i do today.

most of all tonight, i wish i meant more to you...to anyone...

05 March 2013

happiness is...

more than anything, happiness for me is being with certain people i know love me. one on one time with particular people makes me happy...having them all surrounding me in the same room at the same time makes me ecstatic! the last time i was ecstatic was two years ago 19 days from now. my 29th birthday was one of the top two birthdays of my life. the other was my 22nd birthday. what made them the best was that my favorite people of that moment were there to celebrate with me.

almost every Monday night for the last 6 months or so a few friends and i have had a little movie night. tonight HeyPay brought an awesome surprise, her two roommates, Chelle and Pants who are usually busy with school or work and unable to come. Chelle is one of my all-time favorite people. i cannot feel depressed when i am with her, it is simply impossible because she is just so fun and happy and she is one of the few people i know without a doubt loves me.  if The Artist and Will had been here, i would have been in perfect bliss tonight.

i wish i could have a party and fill a ballroom with all the people in this world who have brought happiness into my life just through their friendship. some of them have saved my life. some have simply made it better, more enjoyable and worthwhile by being in it. one of these days i'll write a post about all these people.

i'll name a few here.

my nieces and nephews are near the top of the list of my favorite people. and i love my parents, sister, brother, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and my two dear uncles.

as far as friends go, i have to start with Bestest Friend. she has saved my life on multiple occasions over the 18-20 years we've been friends. she knows me better than anyone, she loves me better than anyone, and she will always be the most important friend in my life.

i don't have code names for everyone i'm thinking of right now so i'll just use first names.
my high school friends, the girls who made those most depressing years bearable and sometimes even fun! generally i hated high school, i often felt alone and out of place, but the ones eho made me feel most like i wasn't a complete outcast were Glenda, Erin, Jessica and a few others from The Academy of Travel & Tourism; Lynnette, Melissa, Laurie, and a few others from the preschool program; Malissa, Emily, (Jessica & Melissa again) and some others from Concert Choir; Tara, Annemarie, Kip, Jenn, Holly, Joel, Jenseena, BJ...i feel like there are others but i can't come up with names right now. i'll have to dig up my old yearbooks to find any others.

after high school was college. my years at SLCC, particularly my last year there, were some of the best times of my life! it was the best, again, because of the people. i should dig out my journals and photo albums from that time and reexperience all the adventures. that group of friends gave me my first taste of prolonged joy! Crystal, Katie, Paige, Paul, Scott, the Erics, the Jonathans, Omar, Andy, Robbie, Jason, Missy, Ember, Christa, Clark, Dayna, Julie, Rachel, Goodie, Scott, Karen, Thomas, Jimmy, Troy, Jerry, Melissa, Mike, Dane, Dustin, Chrisian, Michelle, Todd, Laura, Trent, Kenna, Jan, Walt, Dave, Ed, Charlotte, Brian, Kyle, Brent, Aaron, Ace, Tasia (and all her sisters), Emberly, Angie, Jeremy, Josh, Brittany, James, Kyle, Blake, (i'll even add the skunkweasel because there was a time when he was a good friend), and i'm sure there were many others. practically living at the institute, frisbee at Murray Park, IWA/IMA, the 26th ward, Manti, game nights, various adventures and escapades. if i could go back in time and relive any moment, it would be any of a hundred from March 2003-July(ish) 2004. i've stopped aching for the return of those days, and i've had some pretty spectacular moments and adventures since, but your first solid group of friends, is like your first great love, nothing else compares, you never forget.

now for work friends: the Hancock Fabrics crew: Ruth and Bubba, Val, Carol, Sherrie, Mary, Juanita, Marianne...dang it, i'm blanking! the Murray Seagull Book: Courtney! she was the dearest friend that came from that job, and i'm pretty sure the reason i worked there. Cyprus Credit Union: Erin, Todd, Ziggy, ShaiLynn, Vanessa, Randall, the Annas, Brenda...the regular members who waited in my line even when others were free.

most of these people who were once near constant companions and dear every-day friends are now friendly acquaintances and Facebook contacts more than anything. i will always hold a place in my heart and fondest memories for them.

my more recent friends include the University 47th warders and Salt Lake Seagull Book coworkers.
47th warder roll call: Zak, Heather, Rachelle, Brittany, Jenn, Cody, Brett, Dale, Laurel, Nancy, Amy, Julie, Anthony, Brianna, William, Pola, Sarah, Cory, Nate, Shannon, Kayla, Laura, Bryan, all the Sterzers...so many more but i need my pictures to remember them all at this time of night.
Seagull: Myelle, Eraine, Mary, Diane, Cassie, Paul, Joe, Melissa, Charity, Pat, Trevor, Latia, Jason, Edie...i feel like i'm forgetting someone...

other friends: Bestest Friend's entire family, Kristal, Stephanie, April, Mikey, Erin, Anneliese, Weston, Nate, Jamie, Amanda, Megan, Pat, Melissa, Char, Edna, Erin, Chris, Susan, Emily, Kathryn, Ned, Debbie, next door neighbor Bishop (my Nephite dad), various Sarahs (with and without the h), various bishops and bishoprics, young woman leaders, neighbors, friends of friends and siblings.

I've been so blessed with so many amazing people in my life and i am so grateful for each one of them. they are my happiest of all happy places!  i can be content alone, but true joy and happiness can be enjoyed only when i am with the people i adore the most!

if you're reading this and didn't see your name, i'm sorry, i love you and am grateful for you, it's currently 2am and i'm writing this post from my iPod, in my bed...my brain is not at peak performance and recall. please know that i love and appreciate you and thank you all for helping to create and for sharing moments and memories of happiness! :-)

04 March 2013


sometimes faith gives us power to move mountains...sometimes, most times it seems, faith gives us strength to accept that the mountain has to stay and we have to find a way to move ourselves instead.
these days i'm not so good at moving myself. i keep hoping the mountain that that tower over me, threatening to crumble and crush me, will go antagonize someone else. but they are my mountains and i need to accept it and find a way to climb over, tunnel through, or burrow under. i've been sitting in the shadowy valley too long. i don't know which way to go, and my energy to try is terribly low. i need to find a reason. 
at my work there's a plaque that says "find something you would die for and live for it." 
what would i die for? and how can i turn it around and make it my reason to live instead? i need something to fight for, some hope to keep me here on solid ground, to make me move and continue moving throughout my time on this earth. lately i've been wishing to move on out of this life. it's too much, too overwhelming, and i'm too depleted, too tired. but i'm still here, which indicates that it's not time to move on in that direction...so what can i live for? what can i strive for? what can i hope for that will make me want to stay in this life? i've been stuck in basically the same place for so long i  feel like i'll never catch up or move toward where i want most to be. i don 't know what else i can do to get there. maybe i should get the hint that where i want to go is not available to me, may never be. 
that is my major mountain. my Everest is motherhood. it's all i've ever wanted, and every day that passes covers me with more shadows of doubt and fear that it won't be allowed. i can't find a well-paying job, or a man to love me enough to want a family with me...so how can i raise a child? maybe i would be a terrible mother. maybe it's one of those blessings in disguise that i am denied this dream. but i don't think so. every instinct i have is motherly. that is why i am so depressed and unable to move either the mountain or myself. what is there to live for if i cannot fulfill the one role i was born to hold?
all around me people are getting married, having babies, and leaving me behind. i want to be with them on the other side of this insurmountable edifice of crag and ice and pain. 
believe it or not i had intended this to be an inspiring and uplifting post about faith and the unconquerable spirit...clearly i have not gotten to that part of the trial where my faith has triumphed. i'm working on it though, and feeling a bit more optimistic than i was last week. i'm not in utter dispare, just uncertainty and exhaustion.
i will find a way over, under, or through this (and all other) mountain...and a small part of me does still cling to the hope that someday in the not too distant future i will find that love of my life and finally be able to begin my own family.
in the mean time, i'll try to convince myself that i'm satisfied being the favorite auntie (or honorary auntie) to a bunch of adorable children (three of whom will be staying with me this week while their parents go to Hawaii)! life is an adventure and i need to force myself to get out there more and experience it...it 's just more fun to adventure when you're not alone. sigh...

01 March 2013

february song marches on

it's after 1am but i keep looking at my phone hoping someone is missing me and can't wait till morning to tell me so. but of course the phone is blank and silent. who would call/text at this time of night? who else in the world is awake and restless and wanting at 1am?

so i listen to Josh Groban. somehow his songs seem to know how i'm feeling and how to caress and seek to soothe my aching. is it silly of me to hope that someday someone will feel so strongly and passionately about me so as to inspire such emotion and intensity of expression? i've felt it. i've written it. is it silly of me to hope to feel it and write it again? forever this time? where is that kind of enduring love that can 't be withheld or contained? where is that love so strong that he can't stand to be away from me? the love that keeps him coming around even if he can't hold me, just to be as close as possible for as long as possible?

maybe i am just silly and delusional. buying too much into fairy tales and fables, little girl hopes and dreams. time, proximity, conversation, sincerity, honesty...where? when? how? who?

remind me

today was one of those days i just needed to be reminded i'm not alone, this is all part of the plan, the hurt and loneliness won't last forever...someday i'll see the purpose...someday i'll be loved...

i didn't get what i needed today. all i wanted was a little compassion, a little sincerity, a little tenderness...instead i felt ignored, pointless, unseen, patronized, a waste of space and time and effort...and completely unloved and unwanted. it would have been better if i could have stayed in bed and pretended i didn't exist...today i wish i didn't exist because then it wouldn't hurt so much.

but, despite how i feel right now, i need to remember (and remind myself since no one else seems to care enough to see how much i need help) that it's going to get better. life is stressful and overwhelming and it hurts and it's scary and i don't know how to make it through another second on my own...but i can, and i will...i don't have any other choice. so i'll do my best to accept that i'm alone, and i may be alone and without love for quite a while longer.

i wish someone would see me, really hear me, and care enough to do whatever it takes (despite all boundaries and obstacles) that they're willing to fight for me. no one has ever fought for me and i don't know how much longer i can keep fighting on my own.

remind me why i need to keep trying...remind me why i can't just give up and take up permanent residence in my bed with the dark curtains pulled tight.  remind me why i should hope that love exists for me. remind me...