28 February 2010

You with the Sad Eyes, don't be discouraged...

My heart is full. There are so many things I want to say that I can't say. I don't have the power to help everyone who needs help. I have so many friends who seem to be lost, drifting, or simply aching for something I don't know how to give. They don't want it from me. Even if I have what they need, I'm not the package they want to recieve it from.

We all have things to give. We all have needs to be filled. But what happens when there's no one who will recieve what we need to give, and no one to give what we need? I feel so mismatched today...out of place and invisible. I feel like none of my words are affective, like everything I say, any love or encouragement I try to give deflates and fizzles out between me and the would-be recipient.

I guess I'm feeling pretty inaffective all around these days. I'm in school, working toward an illusive goal. I have a bunch of shallow friendships...I feel very few true connections...and mostly I feel like I'm giving everything I have (which I don't mind if it helps them), but none of my needs are being filled. I'm not needy, it's just the normal stuff that everyone needs. Where is the balance? Where is the wellspring? I'm looking in all the right places...where is my solace, my encouragement, my relief?
I need a hug. I want someone tall and broad (so I can feel enveloped and safe in his arms) to go out of his way to notice me, acknowledge the sadness I can't seem to eliminate from my eyes, and hold me until I rest. Just for a moment, long enough to restore my determination and my resolve. But none of the guys I know seem to have that sort of compassion or empathy. None of them have that strength and goodness. So what do I do? Where do I find what I need?

26 February 2010

Love is Just Love

Bestest Friend called me this afternoon and we talked for about an hour. I miss her so much. We just don't get to share time together as much as we used to now that she's married and living in another town. She's irreplaceable and it's taken a whole community to ease the ache I feel without her. She's my confidant, the one person who knows me as well as (if not better than) I know myself. If all trace of me was erased, she would still remember me...and she has a strong and long memory. I miss walking (or dancing) around the neighborhood in the middle of the night with her, just talking about anything and everything. Life is strange how it evolves and changes and leads us to various different paths. And yet, she's still there if I really need her.

I mentioned the "community" that is filling in where Bestest Friend is unavailable. I'm not creative with nicknames these days so I'll just list a few first names.

The Artist, first and foremost...he's been my dearest friend, holding me together, keeping me active in life and society.

Em, my dear friend, has been available for panic moments to listen and talk me through it. She's been there to encourage me and spend time with me.

My long distance friend Anneliese has been a great comfort and encouragement. It's fun to make new friends in such an unconventional manner. I love that we are friends!

Little Sister, Shygirl, Shannon and Niv and Rachelle have been pretty good listeners. They let me ramble and rant when I need to work things out.

The Williams Sisters, Jake, and Heather have provided great distraction, along with offers of protection...I like that they are protective of me, it's nice to feel taken care of.

Mr. Mechanic has also provided some nice distraction...and he's a hugger! No lingering embraces or deep conversations yet, but we're becoming friends and I'm hopeful that we'll be close once I figure out how to drop my guard and be myself. For now, at least my mind is eased to know that I have a friend who is willing to help me out with my car!

Mr. Music still makes my heart flutter and gives me someone to daydream about.

There are others too, but those are the main ones at the moment. For so long Bestest Friend was my one solace, my only comfort and sanity. Now I have many friends who don't even realize how much they save my life day to day. I have confidants, playfellows, crushes, distractions, comforters, happy thoughts, and opportunities to serve.

I'm content. There are things I wish I could change but for now I am content. I'm still working on building my confidence and discovering my strengths. It irritates me that I'm not consistantly stronger right now. It bugs me that I can't seem to find my inner peace and dignity to help me to shine from the inside out. It's a struggle every day to get out of bed and try another day. I'm tired and sometimes I wake up sad for no good reason at all. Little Sister waits for me at the train station in the mornings and I know I'll see at least one or two friends each day...and that's what gets me up and paints a smile on my face. It's a mask at first but then as I surround myself with people I adore the sincerity sinks in and permeates my soul.

I'm happy much of the time. Now and then I start to panic and fear that the good times won't last and my new friends will decide they don't really love me or don't really want to be around me anymore. I have to fight those lies away and remind myself to be happy now, live in the moment and not give in to the fear of loss that the future may or may not bring.

Right now I have friends and family I love and who love me. They just love me. That's why friends are so important to me. They make life worthwhile. Some people can live for work or school or whatever else...I can't live for anything except loving and sharing life with people.

Love is just love. It doesn't have to be big or extravagant...it's a conversation, a hug, time spent together, a smile, a text or email or a comment. Love is just being there with an open heart and open arms.

My dear friends, to you I say, "I just love you"

21 February 2010

happy thoughts and other tender mercies

the kid!!! and his baby brother (giggles and grins)...i'm totally the favorite auntie

little sister

home teachers (finally after two years)

lots of friends who hug!

bestest friend

"promotion" in my calling

the mexican who loves me

singing in the choir

michael buble' and similar music

being in "the group"

planning the secret underground anti-speed-dating fhe

apples to apples

writing in all lower-case letters


mr. music ;-)

guy friends who know about cars = free oil change and no fear of the mechanic!


i want to write about it in a poem but i've been running from the rain for so long that now the flood overflows and washes the words away. i'd rather not write about it at all but if i don't deal with it i'll drown.

he spoke to me today, face to face, for the first time in...two months? three months? i wanted a conversation, calm and sincere in a lonely place. but the hallway was crowded and i couldn't look at him, could barely speak directly to him. my heart, trapped in a clenched and crushing fist, couldn't expand, couldn't turn to him...

he acted like it was normal, like we still talk all the time. he stopped talking to me months ago...he promised he wouldn't but he did. i know i said i forgive him. i want to forgive him, with all my heart i want to forgive him and let things be friendly when we see each other around, but he can't ignore me in private and pretend things are normal in public. it's a lie. it's like the guys who are all lovey-dovey when no one's around but close off when others are there. i've been there. i'm worth more than that.

i want us to be friends. that's all i've ever wanted. nothing else matters, only friendship matters. i said once that he and i were too stubborn to end things, i meant that in a good way, (hoping the friendship meant enough to us both to fight for it)... like when i used to say that my gramma was too stubborn to die. i guess i was wrong...all around. i'm stubborn enough to fight for what i care about; i don't give up until i have no other choice. but maybe that's it...he just didn't care. i don't think that's it...otherwise, why would he have tried to talk to me today?

it's nice to have a group of friends again. they noticed almost immediately and asked if i was ok. i told them i was alright. they didn't believe me. they really care and they are being rather protective and supportive. i've found my people...at least for this phase and moment of life. but others moving in to my heart does not crowd out those already imprinted there. they give me distraction so i don't have to think about those i've lost (those who chose to leave) but distractions end and in quiet moments i still feel the emptiness where they should be.

i know i'm crazy but i still care...i still miss the friends we should have been...

and i hate that there's nothing i can do about it. it's their choice, not mine...

20 February 2010

Blue Moon you saw me standing alone...

La lalalala la la-la *Sigh*

It's not time. It's okay that it's not time.

A roommate once said to me, "Don't worry about it. One of these days you'll open the door and he'll be standing on your doorstep with roses and Michael Buble'." I've been given roses (many, many roses) but I'm still waiting for Michael. *sigh*

It's not the specifics of roses and delicious musician, it's the sentiment. I don't need roses, I don't need expensive concert tickets (although, if you're choosing between concert tickets and pretty much anything else, go with the music!) I want someone to dance with, someone to sing with, someone to laugh with...someone to live and love with...

My theme song right now is Michael Buble's Just Haven't Met You Yet. I crank up the radio whenever it comes on and I splurged to buy the CD so I can listen to it whenever I need a boost. Basically it's my "don't give up, don't get bitter or cynical, just hold on a little longer...he's out there, you just haven't met him yet" pick me up kinda song. I think about those broken hearts in my past and realize (from the other side) that I would be miserable had I ended up with any of them. None of them could dance, not a one! I need dancing in my life. A couple could sing and one could play the guitar pretty well, but a girl can only listen for so long. I hear music and I can't sit still or keep quiet. Nothing makes me happier than dancing and singing.

Whoever came up with speed dating was an idiot. In Utah especially, people have enough speed in their dating as it is, why do we have to encourage it with two hours of organized 3 minute each "dates"? It's completely absurd. There's no way to judge a person's character or really get any idea of the person at all in three minutes of "conversation" in a crowded, noisy room. I was asked by at least 6 different guys tonight where I'm from. How does that tell you anything about me? The next question "what do you do?" is better because you can make some assessment as to motivation or direction, but it's still basic and vague. I tried to be the one to start the conversation so I could keep it away from the normal bland questions, but most of the time it didn't work. Two hours is too long for this sort of thing. We got there an hour into it and most of the people were so bored and cynical they weren't even very good company.
It's one of those strange social rituals I will try in the future to avoid. I've given it a fair chance (tonight was the third strike) and now I don't have to do it again.

One of the guys asked what I like to do. I said a few things and then added, I'll try anything at least once, I like trying new things. He asked what I've tried once and vowed never to try again. I said Sushi...I couldn't think of anything else. Well, I thought of something: SPEED DATING!!! Why must we rush such a life altering and defining event as mate selection? You're pretty much stuck with this person for the rest of eternity, so shouldn't you make sure they are someone you really want to be with for that long? See them in all seasons and various circumstance...drop your guard, let them in to a piece of you and make sure they are someone you want to be open and honest with...someone you can really trust and respect. A lot of people seem trustworthy, even after you've known them for a while...then one day they reveal their true face and it's nothing at all to respect. Makes me sad.

Well, I guess we know why I'm still single... *sigh* But he's out there somewhere. One of these days he'll dance into my life with a sterling rose and concert tickets. He'll change my point of view and we'll be married in three months. Ha! That would be classic.

Until then, I'm content with my friends. They are rather marvelous, after all! Besides family, there's nothing of greater value than good friends. Because, after all, people are what matters! There's even one friend who dances with the nearly the same blissfully reckless abandon as I do...and as an unexpected bonus, he knows about cars! (A secret necessity in my future husband...I've always wanted to marry someone who really knows cars, since car trouble is my greatest fear).

ah lalala...silly me ;-)

18 February 2010

Nothing really to say...

I've started four or five posts in the last few days but haven't posted any of them. This week hasn't been the best. It's been cold and gloomy and I've been tired and glum. Mostly I was complaining and whining and I don't want to send that sort of vibe out into the Void. It's not poetic weeping or lyrical lamentation so there's really nothing good in it.

Today is better. The sunshine is bright and the air is a little warmer. I went to the store to get some sharp cheddar and body wash and ended up buying Michael Buble's newest CD, Crazy Love so I'm listening to it now. It makes me happy! Good music almost always makes me happy. Tomorrow is Friday and that makes me happy too. I have plans with The Artist and some other friends for this weekend and generally life is good! I started a poem...I don't know if it will go anywhere but every beginning is encouraging at this point! I'm content :-)

15 February 2010

Phenominal Friends make all the difference

This week I've been in somewhat of a coping moment. I've been running, keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to think. Yesterday morning I didn't have anything to do so the dam burst (enhanced by the dream I had the night before) and all the thoughts I've been keeping at bay flooded through. When I'm not alone I do a good job of hiding what's inside but when I have a few moments to myself, my brain kicks into gear and the tears track my cheeks.

Today I looked good! I bought a sweet red top and wore my cream skirt with the flower patterns, very spring/Valentines-ish. Mr. Music was sick so my hopes of salvaging "singles awareness day" seemed to be crushed but then something brilliant happened! The guys in my ward came in at the end of Relief Society and gave each girl a rose! So, even though I don't have a Valentine this year, I didn't miss out on all the sweetness.

A single rose always means more to me than a bouquet. I don't know why...I think it feels more poetic (not to mention it's less expensive). A rose clipped from a rosebush is perfect! I'm not a big fan of red roses. The rose I was given today is white with pink edges. It's my second favorite flower. Sterling Roses are my favorite!

After church we had a mingle with candy and heart-shaped cookies. I'm getting to know so many people in the ward and I currently have a lot of friends...I'm part of a group again and it is so delightful! They brighten my life and make it easier to forget my troubles and just be happy. They are a great source of distraction and comfort. We stayed for a couple hours after church and just talked and laughed a lot.

After being home for a few hours I started feeling a little down (I had time to think again). I turned on some particular episodes of Grey's Anatomy because I knew they would bring the tears I ached to cry. I didn't wallow for too long, just long enough to relieve some of the pressure that's been building up in my chest.

Right around 8pm I got a text from "The Mexican" (it's what he calls himself and likes us to call him so don't think I'm racist). He made me smile! We met up at ward prayer and he made me smile more. I had a great time talking with various members in my ward. I mostly talked with the girls. They sort of flocked around me at one point. I was sitting on one of the cushy couches with one girl beside me and four others around me on the floor. One of the guys asked if it was story time (it looked that way).

After ward prayer a group of us went back to my house and watched Michael Jackson music videos. I have always loved Michael Jackson's music and dancing (most of it). The Mexican and The Artist were the guys and then there were three other girls besides me. Nice, fun little assembly. The Mexican had given two of the girls a ride over so when it was over he was to take them back to their cars at the institute a block or so away. He asked if I wanted to go along so I could ride in his car and listen to some Michael Buble'...and to hear him sing along. I went and it was nice to have a moment alone with him. I don't know him incredibly well but we've become friendly over the last couple of weeks. He's an interesting fellow and he makes me smile.

I'm becoming disenchanted with Mr. Music...his lack of overt interest is somewhat discouraging so I am putting him on the back burner for now. Maybe The Mexican can serve my soul a little better for now. He's fun and said he dances in supermarkets so we get along rather well. He went dancing with us on Friday and he can boogie with the best of us! Quite a delightful friend.

My friends mean more to me than almost anything. People are what matter. People are what make life worthwhile and friends are the ones who keep you afloat when the waters are rising and you lose your strength to swim. Various friends have gotten me through all my most difficult moments in life. When I couldn't trust or count on family members, my friends were what kept me going. Thanks to those of you who have been a friend and stood by me. I appreciate your kindness and love and I am so grateful for your influence in my life.

09 February 2010

things that added to my joy today

Commuting with my dear little sister (I'm dropping the "in-law" part because I would claim her with or without the law forcing me to!) ;-)

Texting with Em

Salt Lake Temple

Green turn arrows


Studying Jane Eyre in Victorian Lit class

Communication Principles with Mr. Box

The Spirit

State Tax Return

GREEK for dinner! (it's been a while)

Heroes (on Demand)


Mr. Music

Junior Mints

Compilation CD of songs from various musicals

Moments of peace


03 February 2010

life is a highway i wanna ride it all night long

My brain has been on stand-by. I've been half asleep all week. The bane of my existance is my grammar class. Last night I went dancing and sang karaoke for the first time in my life...and loved it! I'm not writing. Something is still disjointed, something is still not connecting right. I have a job interview tomorrow. My tax return is coming. He's the one I want...but only in my mind because my heart (despite all efforts to convince her otherwise) is afraid of trying to love again in reality. My current joys in life are singing and reading Victorian novels. Girl friends and The Artist are my social life (I'm grateful that I have a social life!) I might fail half my classes this semester. God has my back when it comes to paying my bills. I'm taking the challenge of extreme friendliness seriously...and it's led to another first date. Living in the moment, moment to moment, is all I can do with my life because every endeavour I have ever made has been thwarted and turned in an unexpected way. Family and friends are more important to me than anything else. I have spurts of self-assurance but I'm still not consistently confident in who I am...which is probably why I'm not writing. Life is good, particularly when I can avoid thinking about what I can't control and focus on enjoying the revival of my social life. This phase of life is not my favorite but it's better than the last.