21 September 2009


A girl in my British Lit class invited me to submit a piece of writing to the WSU non-traditional student literary journal, Epiphany. The submission is due by September 30th and I'm having trouble deciding what to submit. I've narrowed it down to the following, I'd really appreciate your help in choosing. Please leave a comment with the title of the poem you like best. If you are familiar with my writing and think something else that isn't listed here would be a better submission, let me know. Thanks for your help!

I sit here in the quiet
Longing for someone to kiss
My heart begins to riot
Screaming soundless into the abyss
Dreaming beneath the shade of trees
The sun high and hot for late June
Tender young rose buds looking like peas
Will shrivel and fade like a prune
I wade into lake of shining crystal
Seeking relief from scorching sand bar
Leaving behind concealed pistol
And dusty old tuneless guitar
Deviation from life over brooded
Destruction is circumstance concluded

Soundtrack of You
I've been thinking of you
Awaking with music in the air
The song reminding me of you
As I wander through the day
The melody plays over and over
A broken record tearing my heart
I go to places we used to frequent
Eating ice cream on a child's swing
Reading books we never intended to buy
Smiling at the thought of you
Splashing in the fountain at the park
Tears burn through the laughter
As I remember your empty chair
Abandonment of your side of the bed
The music gets louder reminding me
You body is gone but your spirit lives on
The soundtrack of you carries me home.

I am lost
All around me the world revolves as it always has
People come and go, wrapped up in their little lives
They are all unaware of people like me
Sometimes every person is exactly the same in unique ways
Everyone wishes for the same basic things
Companionship, Security, Nourishment, Shelter
And a set course to give direction and purpose
But sometimes we are all the same
How many people walking side by side by side
How many people spinning out of control
Why is there no help for those who need it
Everyone needs help, but they are all afraid to ask
Or maybe… I am lost and alone, fighting a battle that can not be won
I know there are others like me, I just don’t know any
If we were together, would chaos abound
Or in total insanity, would we find the solution
A soul mate or two, gone out of our minds because
We were lost and alone
Then joined again we find Peace and Balance
So gather the insane, the depressed and distressed
Bring one with the touch of healing
We will again be made whole by His presence
And no more will we be

Without You
I see you oh so clearly as you stand
Just beyond my reach upon the sand
You smile with that smile that I love
I swear you must be sent from up above
You teach me how to dance against the storm
And in your gentle arms you keep me warm
The courage you transfuse into my soul
Gives me the will to seek a greater goal
This journey leads me to another land
So I reach out for you to take my hand
I do not want to tread this path alone
I need for you to help me set the tone
But you just stand there whispering a song
The one that's been my guide for oh so long
Then I know by the tears upon my face
It's only the beginning of this race
And though I know you are my guiding star
You now must watch me only from afar
For this test must be mine alone to take
Without you I am easier to break
That of most worth is hardest to be born
So for the grandest prize I must be torn
Though neither of us move to walk away
The space between us grows with each new day
In dream I scream and shout that it is wrong
But I awake to find that you are gone
When all my worth is proven to the end
I will be back within your arms again

As I sit here staring at the page, trying to find the inspiration to write, my vision becomes cloudy. Blurred by the tears rising like a flooded river after a rainstorm, blinking will only release, soaking the page. Crying won’t help, I know, so I sit up straighter in my chair and try to focus my attention on what brought the sudden surge of emotion…Dancing in the desert under the Milky Way, encircled in the arms of the most incredible love I have ever experienced.

Feeling my face flush, I realize this is not the time or place to be contemplating the deep memories of past lives; grasping for any other thoughts, all I can find are ones of the same course: History. Isn’t it ironic, I’m supposed to be paying attention to U.S. History but all I can think of is the history of us.

Inside the void, the black hole of our romance, remember secret rendezvous: dancing in the rain, in the desert, in the middle of the street, on the steps of the great cathedral in England, the highlands of Scotland, our castle in Germany, the Piazza in Rome, the Eiffel Tower in Paris, bonfires on the beach, airplane rides just for the rush of soaring across the sky; the little things you’d do to make me smile: funny faces, flowers on my pillow, love notes with terrible rhymes, fantastical stories; all of the places you took me when life became too much.

Just as I’m slipping away, back to the happy days before the sky fell, class ends and I must pause before the kissing scene about to play in the movie of our past. Kissing, that was always a good scene; never a complication when your lips were touching mine. Losing myself in your passion was always more pleasant than finding myself in the cruel reality.

Magic was always the word you’d use to explain the power you had over me; a spell you found in one of those books you always read. But not even your unconquerable magic spells could keep the sky from falling, could it? Our magic sky. Perfect and peaceful even during the storms of red and orange, blue and gold, mixing to make fire and ice dancing in the sky. Quiet walks, hand in hand under that amazing inky curtain studded with billions of sparkling diamonds.

Rain came and washed the world away, then the rain stopped and the sky became brittle, crumbling, falling apart. Somewhere in the midst of rubble and smoke you began to disappear.
There is no hope of peace when all the world is consumed by rage and hatred, fear, bitterness and pain. Upside down, inside out, complete confusion becomes your existence when true love is ripped from your soul.

Vagabond of the mind and spirit. Weariness demands a change of thought and space and time.

Xander found me hibernating in the dark recesses of my inner soul and forced me to face the reality of your absence, but there was no solace in his attempts at comfort – always a friend, but not my soul mate. You seemed lost to me but in the night I found you, an angel forever by my side and in my heart. Zillions of emotions surged through breathing life and hope back into my dejected soul, teaching me to love again.

P.S. Feel free to tell me your honest opinion. If you don't like any of them, let me know and I'll try something else.

20 September 2009

I don't want to wake before the dream is over

Aside from the migraine in the middle of the day, today was a really good day! The Kid came over and I got a couple of hugs. He's adorable and I miss my Wednesdays with him. Bestest Friend called this morning to chat for a few minutes (I know she's trying) and to invite me to her bridal shower on Friday. I went to Holly's bridal shower this morning, it was good to see her.

I didn't want to do what EB and The Artist wanted to do so I went to Bobpi's house instead and nursed my migraine while we watched Heroes. I felt better by the end of the 4th episode. I love to hang out with just Bobpi, it's easy and comfortable and I feel mostly at peace when I'm with him. He's a good friend and I'm really grateful for his continued influence in my life. My life is definitely better with him.
Life is also better with the kids from the CU. Even though I'm not working there anymore, they still include me in their fun! We had a BBQ at Double E's parent's house and then went to Cottonwood Heights rec center and played Wally Ball. I'd never played before. It was basically like volleyball but you can play off the walls and the net and such. It was so much fun! They are fantastic, such characters! I laughed so hard that I cried a little and my stomach and back hurt. I always end up in fits of giggles when I hang out with them. They are so great to let me tag along, even though I'm generally less clever than they are. I adore them all!

Now it's after midnight but I just needed to write. So here I am, writing two too long blogs (one here and one on the other) instead of sleeping. Sigh, it's time for bed though, my body is tired and sore from playing so hard. Good night! :-)

17 September 2009

Music and Lyrics

He didn't write any sort of caption so I don't know his motivation behind the songs he put on his blog today, but I'm glad he did. I can see at least a couple of reasons...I don't know if I'm one of them but I like to think so because they would be nearly an answered prayer. If they weren't intended for me, it's ok...I think there's probably a deeper, more spiritual meaning. But I shed a few more tears while listening to them, particularly I'll Be There For You - The Undeserving.
I'll always love you...I'll always be here for you...

p.s. I unblocked the other, so you can read it if you want...tonight's is kind of long, just to warn you. ;-)

16 September 2009

Notes <3

I love notes...not just Love Notes but any kind of nice notes (sorry, bad joke). There are few things better than walking out to your car to find a folded piece of notebook paper with your name on it and words of affection or endearment scribbled on the inside. I once found such a note hidden in the book I was reading. Another was written on a Post-It and conspicuously placed on the bathroom mirror, then a second on my lightswitch (I think it was). A couple of times the notes were written on a bunch of paper hearts and scattered throughout my bedroom (often referred to as a heart attack).

In my opinion it is impossible to not smile when you find such a note. I love how it says, "I was thinking of you today" or, "Just because I like you a ton" or even just, "thanks for making me smile!" I tried to send such a note today using text messaging but I really don't think it had quite the same affect. It's just not as personal and thoughtful as pen on paper.

Every card, note, heart, letter, Post-It, etc. that I've ever received is tucked safely away in a journal or in a shoe box to be kept and remembered for all my life. I love the people who shared their heart and kindness with me and I love to have a piece of them to hold in my hands, even when they are no longer with me.

I am grateful for the friends and family who have influenced my life for the better. Thank you for loving me, thank you for sharing a piece of yourself with me. Thank you for teaching me and for supporting me throughout my life.

You are positively MAGNIFICENT!

14 September 2009

The Face in the Mirror

I walked by a mirror and saw the face of someone I hoped had gone
I thought I would never see her again but it seems that I was wrong
For she stared through me with eyes ablaze in memory of lives past
She called to me and she beckoned me to step back through the glass
The world where she lives is one of pain, of darkness, fear and sin
But also a place where no one cares who, what or where I've been
For a moment I stood motionless, my heart pulsing in my ears
Unable to think, unable to breathe, trembling and close to tears
What do I do when faced with this choice, should I go or should I stay?
Where is the guide to give me strength, sustain me and show the way?
Is it a mask I'm wearing now or is the lie the face in the mirror?
How do I know the truth from the lie underneath all my fear?
Is there a place between here and there where I can just be free
To live and to breathe in joy and in peace? Is the choice really up to me?
The face in the mirror was lovely once, but now it's weary and worn
So I turn away from the death and dismay to a life that's newly reborn
The face in the mirror may always remain to remind me of the past
But now I will choose the better way that will lead me home at last.
~ ff

12 September 2009

say what you need to say...

I wish you would talk.
Silence is more heartbreaking than anything you could say.
I wish you would talk.
At least then I would know what you are thinking and feeling so I wouldn't have to guess.
Most of the time my guesses are wrong anyway.
So I wish you would just talk...say anything, anything at all.
Tell me about the weather if you can't think of anything else but
I'd rather know the temperature of your heart and mind than
whether it's partly cloudy or 90 degrees outside.
I wish you would talk.
There are so many words I want you to say and it's been so long since you've said anything.
I wish you would talk.
Don't worry if you're not sure how to form the sentence;
remember what I told you before, just
say it the way you can and we'll talk it through until we've made sense of it all.
I just wish you would talk.
Broken things are more easily mended when conversation is involved.
At least that's what I have found works best.
Broken hearts are more easily mended when the hurt is able to breathe.
Please just talk to me...
Tell me if your heart is feeling the way as mine.
It's okay if it isn't, it would just help to know your truth.
You talk and I will listen...and I will talk if you will listen.
That's the way friendship grows.
I wish you would talk.
Avoidance is never the way to heal a hurt.
I wish you would talk.
Ignoring an elephant in the room won't make it disappeare,
it'll just cause a bigger mess.
Generally the things you don't want to say are the things that will make the best difference.
So talk, it'll make us both feel better.
There's a reason why people talk to dispell an awkward silence.
Sometimes words are the cure-all, especially in a difficult situation.
I wish you would talk.
A lot of war and contention could be avoided if the parties involved would
open up and listen, and talk, and talk, and listen.
I'm ready to take my turn listening
whenever you're ready to take your turn to talk.

05 September 2009

Life is good and so am I

I'm watching Runaway Bride. Next I'm going to watch another sappy chick-flick and then probably another after that. I'm done being bitter. I'm done ranting against romance and love and all the sweet and wonderful and beautiful joys in the world. I'm done being cynical and doubtful. I'm working on letting faith overcome my fears. I'm working on making myself into the best me I can be.

I know that bad things will continue to happen, it's part of life. But I'm working on keeping the better perspective through my trials. I know there is always a posibility that something will happen and I will be battered and broken again but I'm willing to take the risk. You can not know joy if you do not know sorrow. You can not fully appreciate love if you have not experienced loneliness and heartache. You can not know healing and peace if you have not known hurt and anguish.

I have experienced all of these negatives (and some others) and I am ready for the good stuff! Through my experiences I have learned empathy and understanding. I have learned that the greatest way to overcome heartache is through forgiveness. I have learned that there is nothing I can do that will make my Father not love me and not want me back...He is always waiting with open arms until I am ready to do the work required for me to find my own peace, the peace He gives. I still have some work to do but I'm recovering. God loves me, He understands me and He has provided a way for me to be healed of every wound and He will fill me with peace and joy. He will make up for every loss and every hurt and every sorrow.

Life is good and getting better all the time!