30 June 2010


Recently I've come to understand that some people, even those who profess to be friends, are incredibly toxic. I'm so tired of drama, so done with people who cause drama in my life. The sisters are out. I've been stepping back over the last few months because they have been the source of so much conflict that I just can't be around them anymore.

It's amazing to see the incredible divide between true friends and false friends. I have Bestest Friend, Shygirl, Hey-Pay, Velcro, Midgie, The Artist, and so many other people who love me and who know me and support me no matter what. We are not drama, we are mature and able to deal with conflicts and misunderstandings as civilized and dignified human beings.

On the other side, there are those who are not true friends. The Weasel, Bobpi, the Williams clan, and a few others are in this category. They are users, abusers, selfish, betrayers, and have no idea of my true identity and character. When I stop catering to them, they slander and/or abandon me. I am done with these types of relationships. My major stress in life comes from trying to rationalize and force myself to believe that these people really are good friends, but they are not and they are not worth my time or effort.

I am weeding. I am done being a doormat. I am done allowing people to plow over me and trample me into submission. I am kind and loving and caring. I take care of others too much, generally to my own detriment. No more. I am done allowing others to push me around or make me feel bad about myself. I know who I am and what I am and nothing that anyone else says or does can change that.

I would rather have no friends at all than to be surrounded by false and toxic people. Thankfully, as I mentioned before, I am surrounded by many dozens of people who adore me and who see me as I am. I can afford to sever toxic ties that bind me down because I have many others that help me soar!

Thank you to all my true friends. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for knowing me and for never questioning my character or goodness. I love you!

23 June 2010

Today I'm Thankful For

green turn arrows

hymn #97

Midgie, The Artist, Hey-Pay

catching the train


warm/sunny days




Your Story

I forgot. I used to be so good at it, but then my life fell in and as I climbed back out of it all, I just forgot.

Tell me your story.

I want to know:

Where you've been
What you've done
What you've been through
Who you are now
Where you're going

I want to know it all so I can form a more complete picture of you.

For a while I was really good at this. Instead of jumping to conclusions and making snap judgments of people, I would listen carefully and ask the right questions so I could see their point of view, catch a glimpse of their heart (whole or broken, bleeding or mended). In this perspective I knew better how to love them, how to be the friend they needed me to be.

I lost sight of what was important. I was so blinded by my own brokenness that I forgot to remember that other people have hurts too. I was reminded of this as I sat with a friend last night and listened to her broken heart, struggling to make sense of one of her extended trials. To look at her, you'd never even guess at her history, her secret pain. She taught me, reminded me, to open my eyes and look around a little more often.

So, I'm opening my eyes, opening my ears, and trying so hard to close my mouth more often than not. I've had my moment to be loud and work through my heartaches. Now that I'm officially on the mend, it's time to let someone else have the attention.

Tell me your story
I want to know you
I want to hear you
I want to love you.

22 June 2010

Lighten Up

Last night at Applebee's after FHE I sat by Ring Ting Ting (RTT) with Z-Train beside him. They are both really into music and such so I asked them to make me a list of music I should listen to in order to broaden my musical horizons. I consider myself to be fairly eclectic, but recently I've discovered that I'm not as much as I would like to be.

My other motive in asking them for musical suggestions was to give us something to talk about. They intrigue me and I have such fun when I'm around them. We watched Tron on Saturday and Ghostbusters on Sunday. I like that we're friends because they are both rather outgoing and interesting people; I'm hoping they will rub off on me. I feel terribly boring compared to a lot of people and I want to change that. My hope is that hanging out with them, watching random movies with them and listening to a greater variety of music can help me open up and revive my creativity.

Sometimes I'm clever. Sometimes I am interesting. Sometimes I am fun and creative and exciting...but not often enough for my liking.

Much of my life has been survived, shaded with gloom and doom, tainted with depression and anxiety. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to live life, not just watch other people living their lives. I want to be outgoing and fearless. I want to be friendly and delightful to be around, so I'm surrounding myself with people who are what I want to be.

A couple weeks ago something finally clicked inside of me. All the anger and bitterness and irritation that had been consuming me for so long just melted away. I made a decision to see things and people in a better light. I made a decision to just be happier and stop worrying, fretting and fearing.

My attitude is really the only thing I have much control over. So, I choose to be happy. I choose to be open-minded. I choose to not take offense (whether offense is meant or not). I choose to like myself (whether anyone else likes me or not). I choose to see the good in all that surrounds me.

I choose to lighten up and just enjoy life, no matter what comes. :)

18 June 2010

oh boys...stepping stones in the road to recovery

My luck with guys has never been very good. The Artist is the one guy in my life who has been a constant friend since we met. He's the one guy in my life that I trust. There's never been any sort of interest for more than friendship on either side and I think that really helps solidify our friendship. He's the big brother I always ached for but was denied. He helped me as much as he could with recovering from the heartbreak from last year but it takes a little more than a friend to pull my heart out of the depressing depths that a nearly two year relationship ending in betrayal sunk me into.

Back in November I started liking Mr. Music. He was intriguing and entertaining and strangely attractive. He gave me someone new to think about. He flirted a bit (at least I convinced myself he was flirting) and that made my heavy heart start to float a little. He gave me something to look forward to, and he got me back into singing. Then something happened and I realized there was no way he'd ever be interested in me so I convinced myself to stop thinking about him, stop trying to flirt, stop hoping we'd ever be anything at all (including friends because he's really not even friendly to me these days). Then a dear friend confessed she liked him too so I decided to put in some extra effort toward suppressing my feelings for him. I don't believe in ruining friendships with girls over dumb boys. My girl friends mean too much to me and I'm too loyal a friend to let something so petty drive a wedge.

Anyway, in the midst of liking Mr. Music, BMT asked me on a date. (My first date since Bobpi). BMT is quite a bit younger than me and therefore I tried so very hard to not let myself like him as anything more than a friend, but that really didn't work out so well. We became friends fairly quickly because our callings at church require us to work together. I went to the institute every Tuesday night for a few months because I knew he would be there; I'd always go with some sort of "church related" reason, but it was really just so I could have one-on-one conversation time with BMT. He told me a couple weeks ago that he liked when I came because I gave him someone to talk to and it helped the time pass in a more enjoyable way.

In general, he is rather strange, extremely sarcastic and I can never quite read him which creates a nice little challenge for me. I really thought he liked me and therefore, I let myself hope that a second date would come. Maybe a month after our first date he asked me to go dancing with him (not long after a conversation we'd had in which I nearly begged him to go dancing with me), but I'm still not sure if it was supposed to be a date or just as friends...and we never went because he took too long to get back to me with the details and I made plans with RSP2. I don't believe in ditching girl friends because of boys so I told him I couldn't go and kept my plans with her instead (even though I really wanted to go dancing with BMT). I kept hoping he'd renew the offer but he never did.

Due to recent events, I've had to suppress my desires and feelings toward BMT. I've been working on talking myself out of liking him and so the last couple of weeks (since that same dear friend decided she liked him) I've been focusing my feelings and thoughts and attentions on Pacman instead.

This past Tuesday night was fun as I mentioned in a previous post. It was nice to hang out with Pacman and BMT for a while. I sat beside BMT when we went to dinner so Pacman would sit across from me (that way I could gaze at his face and talk with him more easily). When time came to pay the bill, the guys were nice enough to pay for me and Velcro and they divided the check by which side of the table we were on. BMT made a joke about it being our second date so I took pictures (because, as anyone who knows me knows I always have my camera with me, ready to capture every moment I spend with friends...or my nephews, but that's another post). BMT put his arm around me for the split second it took for Pacman to click the picture. At that moment I wished I'd been sitting next to Pacman so he could have been my date instead. But oh well. I posted the pictures on Facebook as part of my "blue sky holiday" album because that's where I'm grouping any fun things that make me feel better about life since I've been so down the last while. (The title is from Daniel Powter's Bad Day). Fun with friends makes me happy, that's all.

BMT and I are friends, good-ish friends. I care about him and enjoy his company. We've had a lot of good conversations over the last few months, both surface and personal, which I love (quality conversation is my love language). I'm pretty sure he's not interested in being anything more than friends and I have absolutely no power over him. I can not flirt or coerce him into doing anything he doesn't want to do. I appreciate his blunt honesty and his kind friendship. He saved me tonight by volunteering and going with me to make copies of the photo directory so he could pay for them since I'm beyond broke. Now I can keep my promise to have them on Sunday and save a little face at the same time. He has become a friend and an answer to more than one prayer and I am grateful for him.

I'm pretty sure nothing is going to happen with Pacman either...or Z-ster (I found out last night that we're movie pickle buddies and that makes him endearing to me). I'm just still trying to heal from the deep scars left by the Weasel and Bobpi. It's good for me to be a little boy-crazy and let myself start trusting guys again. The bitterness and cynicism and sarcasm of the last few years is finally melting away and I'm starting to open up and feel like myself again. I prayed for help and this is what God has blessed me with: good guys who are completely clueless that they are doing so much good in my life.

17 June 2010

Bestest Friend

Back in the day, before adulthood, when we were basically carefree and didn't have to worry about jobs and husband/boyfriend related things, or waking up early, or being responsible for much of anything...Bestest Friend and I spent hours walking around the neighborhood or sitting on the swing in her backyard just talking and dreaming and being together.

The years have changed a lot of things and the time we have to spend together has diminished drastically, especially since she got married last year. Bestest Friend is the one person on this planet who knows me completely. Sometimes she knows things about me even before I tell her. She knows all my darkness, all my fears, all my stupidity and ineptnesses. She knows all my mistakes (big and small) and my entire personality in minute detail.

I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone...except (perhaps) that one I haven't met yet that I feel so close to sometimes...but that's another story for another day.

Bestest Friend is a teacher and has finished the school year so she is now a little more available than she has been. This morning after she dropped her sisters off from their sleepover last night, Bestest Friend and I went for a walk around the neighborhood. After that, we sat outside and talked some more. Then we ran some errands and talked some more.

I'm so grateful for the time I had with her today. I've been so weary-worn, so battered by life that I really didn't want to get out of bed today. But she got me up, got me moving, got me feeling better. I'm still weary and worn out...I still have no idea how to solve the troubles and trials I'm trying to work through right now. But I know I have someone on my side. I know there's one person in this world who will never doubt my character or intentions. She knows my heart, she knows my goodness. When I doubt myself she is there to remind me of my worth.

I am so grateful to have my dear Bestest Friend.

16 June 2010

Heal the Hurt

Over the years, life experiences have taught me a lot about a lot of things, particularly about myself. I've always been shy and insecure. I've always seen myself as generally undesirable: not the prettiest or the smartest or the best at anything. I'm pretty inept at life much of the time. Things that seem to come easily for others are very difficult for me. I should have been done with school years ago. I should have a career and/or a family by now. I should at least be living on my own.

But here I sit, in my little room at my parent's house: no job (not even a prospect); no boyfriend and pathetic enough to count a guy paying for my food as a date...twice in two weeks (pity date much?). I went from the Weasel to Bobpi (one brokenness after another) that's nearly 6 years of negative male interactions (parts were good but it all ended badly because they just couldn't figure out how to communicate in a mature and compassionate fashion).

I've been hurt. Life has beat me up over and over and over again. The moments of happiness have generally been tainted by depression, doubt and regret. I have scars that may never fully heal. I'm in therapy for the third time, trying to fix all that is broken inside of me. I'm working on it, and I'm making progress. It's slow but it's coming along.

One thing I have always wanted is an older brother or some close relationships with male friends. I don't have much in the way of positive male influence in my life. I've always been jealous of friends who have a close relationship with their dad or brothers. My family has never been close like that. I've never really felt comfortable counseling with my family members about any decisions or situations.

That's why my friendship with The Artist means so much to me. That's why Pacman and BMT and Z-ster are so important to me right now. They are my hope that there are good men in the world. They are my hope that someday I will have permanent positive male role models for my children (if I ever have them).

For the first time in a LONG time I am content, I'd even go so far as to say I'm happy. The job will come and in the meantime I have a roof over my head and food to eat, and I have friends and my nephews to keep me busy. School will start again and I will be ready for it this time so I'll do much better than the last two semesters (and I'm a senior now!!!). The guys in my life are setting pretty good examples so far and their kindness and friendship are helping me let go of the bitterness and hurt that's been bottled up inside for too long. I have phenomenal female friends who keep me smiling, active and hopeful.

One of the greatest blessings in my life is the recent reassurance that my Heavenly Father is aware of me. The other day I was feeling terribly down and wanted to just curl up like a little girl in her father's arms to feel safe and cared for and rest for a while there. My dad and I aren't like that at all. As I sat in church, though, an image appeared in my mind of a kind and caring father with his arms outstretched toward me. I imagined myself being lifted into those strong and compassionate arms. The tears streamed from my eyes as I imagined laying my head on his shoulder as he smoothed my hair and told me to rest for a while. I closed my eyes and could nearly imagine the feeling of having His arms literally surrounding me.
Now and then when life gets too hard or my heart is too heavy I imagine this Father comforting me in this way. My earthly father doesn't fill that need, but my Heavenly Father sends his Tender Mercies to reassure me and give me courage to keep going.

One day the hurt will heal. One day I'll be at peace and more consistently happy. For now, I'll take the good moments with gratitude as they come, and endure the not-so-good moments the best I can.

In this moment, life is good :)

More Please!

I don't know what's going on all of a sudden but I'm just going with it. Velcro and I went to the institute tonight so I could update the photo directory and talk with Bishop. I was expecting BMT, but I was delightfully surprised to walk in and find him talking with Pacman. The interviews were taking a lot longer than expected so what ought to have been a 10 minute wait turned out to be about two and a half hours. I didn't mind.

BMT showed us pictures and video of wild animals that he took while on his mission. We talked and threw some dodgeballs around. It was good times. Velcro and I had planned to get some food after meeting with the bishop so we invited the guys to join us. We went to Applebees for 1/2 priced appetizers after 9pm. When the waiter came to give us the check he asked if we were all on one or how we wanted it divided. BMT said Velcro and Pacman were on one and he and I were on another. He then pointed out that it was our second date "we go out every three months." BMT said. It was actually four or five months ago, but that's alright.

So, while it would be nice to have a scheduled and planned out date once in a while, I'll take the impromptu ones too! Next time, though, I want to be Pacman's date again...the more time I spend with him, the more I hope he stays around for a while...

I'm quite content to just have them as friends, it's an answer to prayer really. I love having girl friends but sometimes it's really nice to mix it up a bit and have some fun guys around. It's been a really long time since I've had this much fun! I'm not looking for anything serious, just some flirtation and good times. Yeah, life is good :)

14 June 2010

Silly Me

Yesterday was a pretty good day. It started out gloomy (both outside and in my heart). I hadn't slept much in the last few days so I was tired and that usually brings the inability to restrain emotions. I wasn't bitter or angry or even depressed, really, I was just tired and a little disappointed. The camp out didn't go the way I hoped and I felt discouraged about dating, finding a job, and some other things that have been on my mind.

I had an experience during Sacrament Meeting. I won't really expound here but I felt Heavenly Father close to me and I felt reassured that things will be okay. My life is in His hands, He hasn't forgotten me, He knows my situation and He's taking care of things.

We had a mingle after church and it was nice to sit and talk with some friends for a while. As we were getting ready to leave, a couple of girls walked up to me and asked if I knew the boundaries for the wards. I took them in to check the map in the clerk's office. Pacman, Z-ster and BMT were there just hanging out and chatting with Jones. I got pulled into the conversation too and ended up staying for over an hour.

Later at Ward Prayer I was delighted that Pacman and Z-ster both came. They are highly enjoyable company. I hope they stick around for a while...maybe they're the new guy friends I've been hoping for. Z-ster keeps talking about doing weekly movie nights and such. Pacman has mentioned a number of times that he needs to come play more often too. Last night was seriously the most fun I've had in a long time...it helped me to believe that I can be happy again and that the bitterness and cynicism I've been feeling won't last forever! I'm starting to melt and it's a beautiful thing :)

Right now I'm just looking for guy friends. I would like to date and have some fun but I'm not necessarily looking for a serious relationship (though I wouldn't deny it if one came along). I just miss the days of having a variety of good friends around. I adore The Artist and plan to continue being good friends with him, but what if he gets a girlfriend or something? I am not reliant on him for my happiness but it would be nice to have other guy friends around on a regular basis; just to mix things up a bit now and then.

Things are looking up. I still don't have a job but that will come when the time and the situation are right. Little Sis and I are going tomorrow to an employment resource to see if they can help us out at all. At least it's something.

07 June 2010

One for you; One for me

Part of the problem is that I focus too much on helping others, I make it all about their happiness and forget that I can be happy too. Tonight I figured out a way to make it good for both of us. Velcro got some one-on-one time with The Artist, and I got some one-on-one time with...we shall call him Pacman. I've toyed with the idea of liking him for a while but never give in because I'm fairly certain he's not interested. But we're friends and it's nice to spend a little time with a guy friend besides The Artist.

Pacman is adorable and kind and though he may not love me, he always treats me well. Tonight he opened doors for me, paid for my burger and dropped me off at my car door...then waited until I drove away first. It's not much, but it's enough to melt some of my cynicism and restore a bit of faith in the general male population. And in my mind, I'm calling tonight a mini-date. He didn't ask me out but he was my partner for the balloon toss, gave me a ride (as I said, he opened the doors for me), and paid for my food. Sounds like an impromptu date to me. ;-)
I don't think I've ever been around him without feeling happier. Yeah, I guess you could say there's a little crush forming there...sigh.

I wish I were more attractive. I try to be friendly and feminine. I try to dress as well as I can, keep myself clean and presentable. I try to wear flattering clothes and do my hair as nicely as I know how. Now that summer is here and I don't feel like hibernating so much anymore I'm trying to drink more water and be more active, especially outdoors. I need to get back into shape so I can go hiking and dancing and such without getting weary so quickly. I'm not in bad shape, I'm in much better shape than I have been the last couple of years...but I still have a ways to go before I'm back to where I was a few years ago. After hanging out with Pacman and a few other guys I know, I feel a little more motivated.

The last month or so I've been terribly out of sorts. I've been grouchy and depressed and hiding out. I don't want to be that way. I want to be happy and active. I'm working on it. I'm getting there. Tonight was good. Most likely, friendship is all I'll ever have with any of the guys I know right now...but friendship is good enough for now. I'm alright being single for a while, as long as I have some good guy friends to keep me positive and provide examples of good guys so my cynicism is kept at bay.

So, thank you to The Artist, Pacman, the Mexican, Z-ster and all the other good guys out there, you give me hope. :)

06 June 2010

missing you

My heart is sad tonight. There are still some big holes that need to be filled in but there's nothing to fill them. The wind blows through and the hurt stings. No songs or movies or books or poems or paintings or...anything helps much. Sometimes I cry it out until it feels a bit better but not tonight. The tears won't come.

I was hoping someone would have a moment for me tonight so I could feel wanted, needed, important...but most of the time I just felt invisible.

When things with Bobpi ended I prayed in a moment of heartwrenched desperation that I wouldn't get involved with another guy until the love of my life comes along. My heart is tired of falling in love with guys who can't or won't love me. I'm not sure which hurts more though, loving the wrong one or not having anyone to love at all. So I've been trying to take that prayer back. I've prayed long and hard for someone new, someone good and kind and eager to love me. But it seems he's not around. So I pray just for a date or two...nada.

I'd be ok with not dating if I at least had some good male friends around, at least one or two. "What about The Artist?" you say? Well, Velcro has a big crush on him and it makes it awkward and difficult. Since she's almost always around whenever he is, I don't get much one-on-one time with him these days. Tonight I sacrificed my time with him so she could be alone with him for a while (at least as long as it takes to drive from the institute to her house a few blocks away). I don't think she believes me when I say I'm not interested in him as more than a friend and I think she might me a bit jealous of our friendship (he generally pays more attention to me). I guess I can understand why people would think I'm in love with him...but I'm not. He's the best guy friend I've ever had and he's really important to me. We've been friends for a really long time and he's the one guy who hasn't betrayed me or left me (yet).

I keep trying to make new friends with guys but it doesn't work so well these days. There are always other girls around competing for their attention (and since I'm not competetive, I end up in the background, invisible again). Another trouble is that I'm terrible at small talk. I want to get into the deep-down, nitty-gritty right off...but most people don't start that way.

The holes cause a feeling of emptiness and I don't know how to fill it. Nothing I try really works, not for long anyway. Often in my life I've struggled with the feeling of missing someone. I have that feeling now. It's a feeling that someone should be here beside me but for some reason that I don't know, he isn't. I don't know where he is or even who he is...all I know is that I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone. I don't think I've even met him yet, but his absence affects me deeply.

If I didn't have such a headache I think I could possibly write a poem right now. But the poetry is still dormant (mostly because of the disconnect between my brain and the rest of my self).

I need a job; I need someone to hold in my arms for a while; I need someone here, now, to talk to but most of the rest of the world is sleeping, as I should be.

I need Dr. Pepper, Ghirardelli chocolate (dark, mint, or caramel), and a great new movie that makes me cry and feel happier at the same time. Alas, all I can do now is go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe drifting into oblivion will ease the heartache and fill some of the emptiness...at least for a while.