16 November 2012


Too many thoughts right now and not enough time to write them...

I want to write about my makeshift extended family, the importance of listening to good friends, and possibly a tutorial on the fine art of hugging...but it'll all have to wait since I need to sleep so I'll be able to function well enough at work in a few hours.

Life is good and I'm in a better place than I've been in a very long time...maybe ever. This is all very much due to certain dear and wonderful fantastic friends who have and continue to blessed my life in so many ways. I am particularly grateful for a few certain people: my dear Bestest Friend of course. The Artist and Man of Steele, D-Ham, Am & Jam, Hey Pey & Shelle, my nieces and nephews, my most spectacular co-workers, and a new addition to the gratitude roll call is Photo. I'm so grateful for all these dear and amazing people who make me feel so loved and who teach me that trusting isn't such a scary thing. Thank you all for being there and for reminding me that I'm not in this alone. Love you! :-)

14 November 2012

Follow up...

Yes...today was much better. I found a secret delight. No, I'm not telling about it yet. I think it's a good one though, so stay tuned! Much brighter posts coming soon. ;-)

13 November 2012

Wilco - please be patient with me (acustico)

this is how i'm feeling today.  i've been awkward and uncertain, not feeling at all like myself and i'm sorry to my friends who spent time with me today for not being better company.  thank you for loving me enough to stick around anyway.

the need i feel is overwhelming and i have no way to fill it.  when that happens, i pull away, i hide, i bury myself in distraction in search of relief and functionality.  i can't...words fail me...i wish...but it's useless.  someday, somehow, somewhere...
in the mean time, i guess i'm practicing my patience some more.  i'm really tired of practicing patience.  i guess i'm generally just really tired.

sorry for the downer post.  i hope tomorrow will be better.

09 November 2012

sing in the deep

i'm wide awake and listening to Sara Bareilles.  something about her voice and the smoky jazz quality of her music reaches my core.  her lyrics speak to me and massage some deep ache i cling to.  it's the loss, the missing, the wanting, the waiting, the longing...

Breathe Again
by Sara Bareilles
all i have
all i need
he's the air i would kill to breathe
holds my life in his hands
still i'm searchin for something
out of breath i am left hoping someday i'll breathe again

open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
and the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
hang my head, break my heart built from all i have torn apart
and my burden to bear is a love i can't carry anymore

all i have
all i need
he's the air i would kill to breathe
holds my love in his hands
still i'm searchin for something
out of breath i am left hoping someday i'll breathe again

Christina Perri's music is nearly the same so i created a playlist of just their songs, just the ones with the strongest affect.  sometimes i wish i drank because the idea of a glass of red wine appeals to the poet and romantic in me tonight.  but i don't drink.  so i'll sip my cran/grape juice and pretend.  maybe some candles and a steaming soak will bring the cloud burst and i can just sink into the beautiful melancholy of it all.   it's so mournfully satisfying...

The Lonely
by Christina Perri
2am where do i begin
crying off my face again
the silent sound of loneliness
wants to follow me to bed

i'm a ghost of the girl that i want to be most
i'm the shell of a girl that i used to know well
dancing slowly in an empty room
can the lonely take the place of you
i sing myself a quiet lullaby
let you go and let the lonely in
to take my heart again

too afraid to go inside
for the pain of one more loveless night
this loneliness will stay with me
and hold me till i fall asleep

i'm a ghost of the girl that i want to be most
i'm the shell of a girl that i used to know well
dancing slowly in an empty room
can the lonely take the place of you
i sing myself a quiet lullaby
let you go and let the lonely in
to take my heart again

(disclosure: the words written in this post are poetically and romantically induced and infused by the music swimming around in my head from the aforementioned ladies.  don't put too much stock in them, don't read too deeply or analyze the possible lasting significance, i'm musing and feeling and perhaps a little wallowing in emotions i've been avoiding for too long.  it's part of the process, that's all.  and it's beautiful music.  If anything written here inspires questions or concerns, feel free to ask me about it).

by Christina Perri

how the hell does a broken heart
get back together when it's torn apart
and teach itself to start beating again?
ba ba ba ba

tonight i'm sinking into the delicious loneliness of the artistic and poetic muse.  i'm feeling a little trapped in limbo these days.  so close, but held back from progress by a filmy sheet, paper thin but steel strong.  there's always some barrier isn't there?  fear, time, distance, pain, logistics, one small requirement that cannot be overlooked, a word, a day, a chair, an invisible line as hostile and immobilizing as the Berlin Wall.

by Sara Bareilles 

something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long
no matter what i say or do
i still feel you here till the moment i'm gone
you hold me without touch
keep me without chains
never wanted anything so much
than to drown in you love 
and not feel your rain
set me free, leave me be
i don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity...
here i am have to stand so tall
just the way i'm supposed to be
but you're onto me and all over me

you loved me cause i'm fragile
but i thought that i was strong
but you touched me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone
set me free, leave me be
i don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
here i am have to stand so tall
just the way i'm supposed to be
but you're onto me and all over me

i live here on my knees as i try to make you see
that you're everything i think i need here on the ground
but you're neither friend nor foe though i can't seem to let you go
one thing that i still know is that you're keepin me down
something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long

the wall came down though...miracles happen...
why is love so illusive in my life?  i ache to give it, ache to receive it, ache to stop aching over it...
well, one particular kind of love anyway.  i am blessed to be surrounded by an abundance of other kinds of love.  love from my nephews and nieces, dear friends, siblings, friends who are like siblings, parents, uncles, coworker friends, neighbor friends, even customers and strangers sometimes lend a bit of charitable kindness in a smile or kind word.  there is love swirling around me, and yet, that pesky little most significant of loves (the kind that makes one person out of two) is not available to me.  i'm trying to convince myself that someday it will be...but tonight it's difficult because it feels like there is always some delay, some detour or giant pothole that leaves me restless and wanting...and waiting.

Hold My Heart
by Sara Bareilles
does anybody know how to hold my heart?
how to hold my heart 
cause i don't want to let go let go let go too soon
i wanna tell you so before the sun goes dark
how to hold my heart 
cause i don't wanna let go let go let go of you
is anybody listening? 
cause i'm cryin' oh
is anybody listening?

i may be somewhere on the verge of a possibility.  there are flirtations and a lot of time and words and such but there are obstacles and barriers and detours and hesitations.  i'm grateful for the friendship and the prospect.  i'm grateful for the company and kind attention.  i'm grateful for the little giddiness that has permeated my being over the last couple of days reminding me that all hope and willingness has not deserted my uncertain and fearful heart. time is needed for things to work themselves out.  i have time...and patience and fortitude.  
all i'm looking for is a moment.  whether that moment lasts weeks, months, years...duration is not my concern...i know that fleeting and forever and anything in between are all out there somewhere...i'm looking for a safe place to rest for a while.  whether friendship or more, i'm grateful for the scraps of peace and healing i've already collected.  letting myself trust and care and be vulnerable are not things that have generally come easily...but it is easy; easier than expected anyway.  
both in a mending phase, both needing someone to just be there...both willing to be there.
fortuitous friendship.

 i don't know what the present or the future holds.  all i know is that i have a heart willing and eager to love.  someday i hope to find the man who fills that aching desire to give and receive that most peculiar and all encompassing and permeating affection.  the chorus of this song kind of says it all.
whoever you are...wherever you are...

A Thousand Years
by Christina Perri

heart beats fast 
colors and promises 
how to be brave 
how can i love 
when i'm afraid to fold
but watching you stand alone
all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

one step closer

i have died every day waiting for you
darling don't be afraid i have loved you
for a thousand years
i'll love you for a thousand more 

07 November 2012


I am a dope and a fool. I know it, I see it, and yet, I stand there like an idiot and watch myself do it again. Will I never learn? Will I never see the puddle before I'm covered in mud? Will I never learn to keep my stupid mouth shut until I'm sure of my words and the thoughts behind them? I look like such a mental patient sometimes.

Blah! Whatever! We all know I'm quirky and absurd. I'll never be that cool, confident, sophisticated, dignified, attractive woman I ought to be...I'm forever a foolish child. Oh well, children have more fun anyway, right? La la la

06 November 2012

let the future be what it will be

Sometimes I have a tendency to be my own worst enemy.  I allow fear and the past to taint the present and cause anxiety for the future.  The good thing about this time is that I am recognizing it.  I'm aware of my thoughts and fears, I know their sources and although I'm not entirely sure how to conquer them yet, I have the support and the understanding to push through and (hopefully) avoid self sabotage this time.

About a year ago, maybe just over, I decided I wasn't going to allow new men into my personal life as just friends.  I would date or I would hang out with the guy friends I already had, or I would be without masculine company.  The basic reason for this decision, without going into too much detail is that I'm tired of always being the friend and never the girlfriend/fiance/wife.  I'm tired of the blurry line of deep emotional intimacy, date-like hang outs and flirtations without the intention of romantic pursuit.  I'm tired of being the amateur physician to the emotionally unavailable or the crutch to the emotionally wounded.  Too often I have been the (for all intents and purposes) unacknowledged "stand-in girlfriend" (generally lacking the physical intimacy, though at times there has been a certain extent of "friends with benefits" which I try to avoid) until they find someone else they would like to be a legitimate girlfriend.  I want to be the legitimate girlfriend, not just the constant companion until something "better" comes along.  I am something better and I don't understand why these silly boys can't see it!

Anyway, the trouble is that it's often my best qualities that get me tangled up in these less than ideal situations.  My compassion, empathy, loyalty, understanding and acceptance, kindness, enthusiasm, reasonable attractiveness, and willingness to listen attract men to me who have been recently hurt, rejected, discouraged, in need of encouragement or support, or emotional healing.  By nature I am a little overly affectionate and supportive.  I want to heal the world with love and hugs.  I know I tend to be a little morbid, dark and depressing in my writing sometimes, but I'm really a hearts, stars, flowers, rainbows and unicorns type of girl.  I'm sensitive and tender hearted and I just want to love everyone in the world until everyone is happy.  Maybe that would be fine if I didn't have my own needs and deficiencies, wounds and discouragements.  I have often prayed that I could be so filled with God's love that I don't feel my own need and can focus on the needs of others without risking harm to myself or depletion of my own reservoirs.  I tend to give until there's nothing left for myself.  If some of those I give to give in return, it's okay, we take care of each other, that's good.  But when too many of the people I'm giving to give nothing in return and take more than I intended to give, I am left barren and wanting.

A couple years ago my own troubles closed in on me and I locked up the giving part of myself.  I had to figure out how to take care of myself, refill my own reservoir (which was pretty much desert dry) before I could give anything to anyone.  The last few months seem to have brought a torrential rain and my water level is rising.  I have begun opening up, letting people in, allowing myself to hope and begin to trust and even search for lost dreams.  My compassion and empathy have revived and are ready and eager to reach out and serve and love and lend support and healing once again.

I didn't realize I was ready until the last week or so.  A newish friend made a bit of a grand entrance into my life and affection sort of suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere.  Sometimes my heart knows things before my brain (ok, most of the time) and that ridiculous, overly compassionate and eager heart charged forth with open arms and a welcoming embrace (too willing to lend fierce friendship, kindness and affection to one in need) completely disregarding my previous decision to not allow new men into my personal life.  Dear heart, poor fool.  Everything was peachy keen at first, but then this weekend (after dwelling too much on the past that I'm still trying so hard to overcome and forget) my head caught up (it's really slow sometimes) and started screaming and throwing things to get my heart's attention.



Thankfully I have a dear and wonderful best friend who is an expert in my life and the affairs of my heart and mind.  I turned my fears and confusions and frustrations over to her and she called my faculties back to their senses. 

The future is not the past.  I do not need to know in this moment where/when/how the beginning will end.  I do not yet need to know his mind or intentions.  Set boundaries, not fortress walls.  Be cautious but not fearful.  Love, care, give, be involved, even connect and share, but not all at once, not with the full intensity of that dear vivacious heart.  Do not try to predict the future, only enjoy the present.  It is okay to be friends.  It is also okay to be open to other possibilities.  It is okay...

I understand that this all probably sounds completely insane to most people who might be reading.  On the other hand, perhaps a few of you who have been reading my blog for a while and have read previous ramblings and know all the ridiculous episodes I've been through with friends and more-than-friends of the masculine variety, might understand why this is such an event for me.

So newish friend, if you've read this and don't think I'm completely off my rocker, please be patient with me as I find my footing.  I know your steps are uncertain as well, so perhaps we can lend a little stability to each other as we tread a similar path for a while.

05 November 2012


At Gardner Village
To see the witches!

Captain Hook and Peter Pan 
looking at a witch on a raft in the creek.
(Jarom) Captain Hook said it was his ship 
and he needed to find a way to get onto it. 
Funny kid.

Captain Hook is trying to fight Peter Pan
but Alex was scared stiff, not of his brother, 
but of a witch in his line of vision

There was a stage area set up and the boys had a lot of fun "putting on a show" for all the people around. When we were walking away from this area, Jarom said he wanted to put on another show for all the people. What a ham!  If you look closely at (Alex) Peter Pan's feet, they aren't actually touching the ground in this shot.

Watch out, ya little show-off!  
Peter Pan is sneaking
 up behind you!

I had the hardest time getting them all to look at me at the same time, so I stopped trying and just took whatever they gave me.  I actually really like this picture though.  What characters!

A lady that works there was preparing for a presentation and I think some sort of snack time, the boys stopped to watch. She said the bottle is filled with vampire blood, then she put some sort of candy or something that she said was bones in and it started bubbling and fizzing and kinda looked like a lava lamp.  The boys were fascinated

Halloween Night

Captain Hook and Peter Pan can be civil to each other for only so long!

 The Whole family!

Brooke and Jay were pirates, so they kinda fit the theme
with Heidi's family, but Charlie was a cowboy...
maybe he was one of the lost boys!

I didn't get a picture of Mom, but here's Dad in his crazy Jazz fan attire.  
Maybe he's Tootles after he lost his marbles! ;-) 
Ha ha, just kiddin' Pops!

 I've never really been a huge fan of Halloween so I just invited a few people over.  
We were going to watch a movie but never actually got around to it.  
We had fun talking and eating pizza and watching YouTube videos.
A few of my favorite people were missing, but we had a pretty great time!

Heather was a 
Starfleet Officer

Brian and Natalie were Superman and Supergirl fans!

Mike came dressed as Bill Clinton, I'm not sure why I didn't get a picture of him. I was dressed as a pirate...lost boy...street urchin...it was a fun but unflattering costume, so no picture of me this year.  All in all, it was a pretty fun night!

04 November 2012


i don't know the answer.  i'm not even entirely sure of the question.

why do i feel the need to mention the past to new people i become involved with?

it has shaped me, made me who i am (good and bad i suppose).  trying to explain the scars before they are noticed, or before they get in the way.  or maybe to put them in the way.  my scars are my defense and fear of repetition.

beware! i am damaged! do not come too close! please handle with care...

can i forget? how do i forget?

amnesia would be nice.  selective amnesia.  i'd rather have an inexplicable black hole than what i have: regret, bittersweet memories, wanting, waiting, wondering. take the good along with the bad on this one because even the untainted good is painful to remember because it is forever lacking.

why do i hold on?

i don't know how to let go without having some(one)thing else to grasp.

how is it possible to feel the most loved and the most betrayed by the same person?

true, deep, complete betrayal requires love...at least the feeling and appearance of love.  clearly it was never real, true love...

when will i be allowed to love and be loved, purely and truly?

that one only God and time (or eternity) can answer.  i am nearly bursting with affection that i don't know how to give or who to give to...the only ones who have "wanted" it are those who would steal it, tearing me and leaving me in the mud and muck.  i want to give what i have without feeling cheep, discarded, useless after.

i have so much love to give, who do i give it too?
i have a gaping aching void to be filled with love from another, but who?

it's difficult for me to know the boundaries.  when i see a need i want to fill it; when i see someone hurting i want to find a way to heal them...or at least hold them until the hurting goes away.  but my arms hesitate to reach out these days. they opened too liberally before and came back scraped and torn.  how do i guard myself against being used by those who are so needy and wretched that they leave me broken and bleeding?
i know that not all who need love and healing are like that, so how do i differentiate?  every man is not a skunkweasel, but how do i tell the difference? and is there a way to get the non-weasels to fall in love with me?
the good men don't want me that way; the bad men want only to use me.  so i avoid the bad men and resign myself to friendship with the good men, at least i'll have a bit of their influence in my life to keep me from becoming a completely bitter old shrew. 

why couldn't i have been one of the lucky who find true, good love from the beginning?  why was i one of the unlucky to fall into the den and be ravaged and wrecked?  all i've ever wanted was to love and be loved.  my intentions were pure and honest, but pure and honest was not my fate.  and now i can't let go...i can't heal and move on because i am still haunted.  he's in my writing, in my memory, in my dreams.

this is why i stopped writing.
this is why i dwell in distraction and avoidance...it's happier there.  possibility live there.

i want someone i can be completely raw and honest with and still be loved and accepted.  that is a want i don't think will ever be filled.  i was completely raw and honest once before and i fear i will forever pay the undisclosed price.  how can i ever have a healthy relationship with a good man if i can't forget where i've been and what he put me through?

will i ever heal and find peace?  i've been seeking and working and doing all i can think of but clearly i'm still lightyears away.

how do i stop allowing myself to be haunted?

it's not constant anymore.  i was recently reminded and i'm momentarily fixated.  i'll circle back away, but how do i break the wheel so i don't circle in again?

don't mind me...i'm not quite as depressed as i sound.  i'm just talking it out because i have nowhere else to put it right now and i can't leave it alone in my head.  don't worry, i'm fine, really.