27 May 2011

girl friends come through

This week has been another "me no planning" week. Monday night Chelle was texting me and asked if we could hang out on Tuesday. So after work on Tuesday I went to the condo she shares with Hey Pay and Pants and we ordered in Chinese food and watched The Spitfire Grill...and talked.

Tuesday I got a text from La-T inviting me to watch Daddy Longlegs with her and Arster on Wednesday. So last night was another girl's night with three different girls, eating cheesecake and swooning over Fred Astaire. "Mmm, you're a dandy!"

Tonight I thought I was going to hang out with The Artist because he had texted me Tuesday night wanting to do something this week. But miscommunication ensued and he made other plans before I decided I was tired of waiting for him or someone else to suggest something. So I ended up with nothing to do, and no one to do nothing with.

I don't do well these days when I'm left to myself. I get depressed and the anger over being alone bubbles to the surface. I know it's not good and I'm working on it...but I haven't quite figured out what to do with myself in those moments. Thankfully my parents said they were going to watch The Kid play in his first ever T-Ball game so I went along and hung out with Bliss, her hubby and Baby Boy while The Kid mostly played in the dirt. Silly kids.

There was still plenty of time when we got home so I read for a bit on the front porch swing. I'm severely distraught over the still chilling temperatures in this late May. I'm tired of being cooped up inside all the time, but it's just still too cold. So I didn't stay out for long. I ended up watching some Criminal Minds until I got a text from Pola saying they were coming over. She and Pants had gone to the gym and then to Zupa's and were on their way home but decided to stop in and rescue me from my loneliness. By that time I was actually feeling okay with being alone for the night, but it was a kind gesture and I appreciate their friendship and thoughtfulness.

I don't know how to explain what I'm going through right now. I don't know how to let people in on what's going on inside of me, so I don't know how to ask for the help I need. I wish I had some answers...really, I wish I had the right questions, then the answers might be easier to find. But for now, I'm just grateful for any little kindnesses or acts of friendship and love wherever they come from.

Guys make me feel safe. When I'm with The Artist or Fozzy or Gonzo (particularly Gonzo for whatever reason) I feel safe and calm and like I'm going to be okay after all. They know very little of my history or of my current predicament. I don't talk to anyone much about my struggles these days. But they are a support and a strength just by being around and letting me know they care.

Yes, guys are great and I am grateful for them...but girls are freakin amazing! I don't even have the words to say how extremely grateful I am to have such phenomenal women in my life. I have always had the best female friends. I wish I could list them all but I would inevitably leave off someone very important and I don't want to risk hurting feelings. So, to every woman who has ever cared anything for me at all, I thank you for your love, your kindness, your support, your example, and your spectacular influence in my life! I love and appreciate you more than I can say and I have been blessed to know you and to share life with you. Thank you ladies!

26 May 2011

I've been wondering

Does God really care about me? Does He see me? Does He know me? Does He want me to be happy and successful?

The reason these questions matter is because if God doesn't care, I'm not sure I can convince myself to care. If I don't care...well, I wouldn't do anything that can't be undone...but I might become one of those "empty shell people" who just stay in bed and stop trying.

Recently I've been feeling like no one really cares about me. Like everyone just stays around because I fill some sort of need, but not because they really care about ME. I see people for who they are. I love people for who they are, not for what they give to me or do for me. I genuinely care about people and I like to do what I can to help make their lives better. Mostly that means I listen to them (I'm pretty good at getting people to spill their guts to me without much prodding). I try not to talk much. I try to not complain or let people know when I'm hurting or having some sort of trouble...like, I've been having anxiety attacks recently, but I've become pretty good at hiding the fact that anything is wrong.

Monday night, though, I couldn't do it anymore. Last week was too stressful, too overwhelming and I just couldn't handle it on my own anymore. I had a little breakdown...at the institute after FHE...but it ended much better than I could have imagined or hoped.

I had been praying for help, and it had come in little ways throughout the week...mostly in the form of a particular friend. Our friendship still baffles me a bit, mainly because most of the time he doesn't say the things I wish he would. I wish he'd tell me from his perspective why we're friends, why he sticks around, why he cares...that he cares. He's rarely ever said the words, but his actions have been saying what his words won't.

He's been texting me, not just as a response to my texts to him (though that has improved as well), but of his own initiation as well. Sunday night when he forgot his phone at home, he had Ampt text me to let me know he didn't have his phone and to invite me to watch a movie with them. He remembered to think of me. Such a stupid, simple thing, but it meant more than I can tell you.

Then, Monday night when I was panicking and completely losing it because I didn't know what to do about Fozzie, fretting over his recent non-friend behavior he said, "Hey, you know what? The Artist and me, we're your friends. We're here for you." He said the words and reinforced them with his behavior. I believe him. I trust him...and The Artist...which means that I finally have two men in my life that I know care about me; I now have two men in my life I can trust. They've stuck around, even when I've been a little crazy, and they never used me or abused me. They genuinely like me, like spending time with me, without asking for anything from me. Fozzie's still a work in progress. I'm not convinced of his sincerity yet...but because I believe him when I'm with him, it makes me think it's only a matter of time before I trust him too.

I'm also grateful for my dear girl friends. They have been lifesavers as well. Ampt, Hey Pay, Pola, Chelle, LaT, Arster, Niffer...I'm so grateful for their love and friendship. I am so blessed with so many dear friends...

And that proves to me that God also cares; He knows me, He loves me, He wants me to be happy and to succeed. So I'll keep trying...and I'll try to stop wondering and just trust...

22 May 2011


I'm so uncomfortable. There's a storm coming in again and I can feel it in my head. It's 2am and I haven't even tried to sleep. I'm in a bad moment, worse than normal, a giving up kind of moment. I'm tired of fighting, tired of hurting, tired of being tired. I don't want to do it anymore because I feel like I'm not progressing. I feel stuck again and I don't know what I'm stuck in so I don't know how to get unstuck.

Last week I decided to not plan anything social. I don't want to be the one always initiating, always inviting. Sometimes it would be nice to be "on the list" instead of the one making "the list". Generally, it worked out. I thought I would be sitting home alone every night but I pretty much spent the week with Ampt and her roommates + a couple pleasantly unexpected additions. I'd like to be there more. I'd really like to be invited and given a place in that social circle. I don't want to leave behind my little posse, I'd like to merge groups if possible...we're all "friendly" but I'd like us all to be friends.

The way I explained it to Bestest Friend the other day is that they have started inviting me to parties or bigger, planned out events...but I'm not just a party person, I'm an everyday living type of person. I'm not a fair-weather, just for fun friend (though I am a lot of fun), I'm a friend for all seasons kind of girl.

Anyway, this was not supposed to be a blog post about feeling neglected or left out...or a post about wanting to be invited and included (though I really would like to be invited and included).

I'm feeling kinda stuck in a blue funk of sorts. Part of it is hormonal. Part of it is stress. Part of it is the changing of the seasons and just change in general (both the resistance of and the need for). I didn't work yesterday and I got paid on Thursday so I went and got my hair done. It's completely different. She did highlights, so I'm back to streaks of blond. At first I was disappointed because I really didn't want to be a blond, but I actually really like it this time. It's not totally blond, and it's different enough that people notice. The response at the party last night was all positive (even the boys noticed, right off, and complemented me). It was definitely a good and way past due change. But what other changes can I make to get me unstuck?

I'm so antsy and ready for complete newness...and yet, at the same time, I am terrified of changing anything that won't "grow back". When I start feeling this way, the first thing I always do is change my hair. It's the least risky because if it doesn't work out the way I envision, the color can be altered again, or if it's a bad cut, it'll grow back out. But the bigger risks, the ones that will really help me break free and make a difference, those are the ones with which I hesitate. What if I make a horrible mistake? What if I can't take it back or work it out? What if I get stuck in a different kind of rut that I ends up consuming and destroying a significant portion of my existence?

The biggest spots of quicksand in my life right now are in the realms of spirituality and dating. I'm stuck spiritually mainly because I'm not putting forth the effort that I know is required for progression. It's the same with dating. I haven't been on a date in over a year. I haven't had a boyfriend in two and a half years. When I'm talking with friends, I blame the lack of "eligible bachelors," saying that all the guys are too young or immature or scary or unmotivated or shallow...etc. But the real reason I'm not involved is not for lack of options or opportunity. It's the same problem I'm having with my spirituality. I'm bitter, angry, discouraged, and needlessly nursing old wounds. I'm afraid. I'm lacking hope and faith. I can't work through it alone, I need some help with sorting out the barriers still standing in my way, but I don't know who to ask. I don't know where to turn for help.

I don't want to be stuck anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be bitter and angry anymore...but the anger is more functional than the hurt is. Heartache or pain leads to debilitating depression and I stay in bed until noon or after. Anger allows me to at least get out of bed and find ways to keep busy and distract myself from the hurt.

The trouble with the hurt is that it's the hurt that has always haunted and hovered over and around me for as long as I can remember. I'm not talking about the hurt caused by the weasel or bobpi or any other past relationships. I'm talking about the nameless, faceless, sourceless hurt that makes my heart ache to the point where I wish I could just tear it out in order to feel anything else for a while. I can't explain it. I can't talk about it. I don't know why I'm writing about it here. I guess I'm just tired of holding it inside. I'm trying to send it out into the void and see if a solution might be sent back? I don't know.

Anyway, my computer is overheating and starting to malfunction, so I better wrap this up and go to bed. Thanks for listening. Sorry it's a little whiny and disjointed. Life is generally good, it's just not quite what I want it to be and I'm having trouble figuring out how to get it there.

10 May 2011

On Second Thought

I was going to rant and complain about how wretched this week has been...but I thought better of it. It doesn't matter, we all have frustrating and disappointing moments...get over it, right?

So, instead, how about a gratitude list:

Books are good, and I'm grateful to have a job working with them instead of flipping burgers or something equally icky

The Tourist is an okay movie, well worth the $1 from Redbox

One more day and I get a day off work

I only work until 2pm tomorrow


Dr. Pepper


a working washing machine



apple juice

friends / family




hope of the impending summer

sore legs, because that proves they work

another day tomorrow

06 May 2011

A Good Day

For the last week and a half my friend and I have been trying to go see a movie. I asked him last weekend if we could go and he said yes, but then other things happened instead so we didn't go. I thought he'd forget or just go see it on his own or with a different friend for something, but he didn't. We've been texting all week trying to find a time that would work. Finally, he sent me a text around 11am that said, "today" to which I responded, "yes". He said he needed to meet up with a classmate at school then we'd go to the movie at 4:15 in Sugarhouse. I told him I'd just meet him at the theater then, but he said that if I didn't want to drive (since my car is having issues) he'd swing by around 1pm and I could just read or something while he finished up his stuff at the school. It was my day off work and I didn't have anything else to do so I went along.

It's been a couple weeks since he and I have had a chance to just be the two of us and talk and such, so it was nice to have him mostly to myself all afternoon today. I didn't get to ask him everything I wanted to, but we had a good time and I feel better about things. A lot of changes are in progress right now and I've been afraid that with the changes our friendship would be drastically altered and I'd lose him. I'm pretty much constantly afraid that my friends will suddenly decide to stop being my friend anyway (it's happened in the past) and so I get extra nervous when life provides them with a legitimate and easy exit.

Today was good. His peer reviews didn't take as long as he thought so we wandered around campus for a bit, hung out with some of his classmates, and then went to lunch at a burger joint across the street. We went to the movie and then stopped in at DI to look for a bike. Then, as he was driving me home, he said he was going to meet up with a couple other friends to watch a TV show they are into and invited me to tag along. I had plans with Hey Pay so I thanked him and declined, but it was nice of him to offer.

I have this fear that he's just being kind and tolerating me rather than genuinely wanting me around...but if he didn't care and didn't like having me around he wouldn't come around as often as he does, he wouldn't have kept trying to go to the movie with me, he wouldn't have invited me to go to the school with him, he wouldn't have spent 5 hours with me and then invited me to stay with him longer. It's just that whenever things look good, or when I start to feel happy and content with life, I always hesitate, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for life to take a sudden nose dive, back into the "depths of despair". I have a horrible habit of negatively predicting the future. I am aware of this, I know it's illogical and pessimistic, and I'm doing my best to stop thinking this way.

Positive Affirmations
Life is good. Life can and probably will stay good. I'm allowed to be happy. People love me; they enjoy being around me and spending time with me. I have a nice little group of friends who genuinely care about me and like having me around. The other shoe is not going to drop, I will not be deserted by everyone I care about. Some of these friends (possibly including this one in particular) will be my friends for a very long time, maybe even the rest of my life.

I just have to repeat these positive thoughts until I really believe them and they replace the incorrect negative thoughts. I'm getting there. I'm progressing. I'm not leaning on others for support, most of them have no idea about my struggles or the reasons I prefer to be with people instead of spending a lot of time alone. I'm not dependent on them, they simply make my personal burdens a little easier to bear (most of the time without even knowing anything about it). They come, we have fun, and I am reassured simply by their presence. I can't make it alone, none of us can. We're in it together and that's how we make it through.

As we watched the movie today I noticed that. We saw The King's Speech. The Duke of York, later crowned King of England had a stutter that made it very difficult for him to speak, but he had the incredible support of his wife who found him an incredibly understanding and supportive friend to help him. We all have things we struggle with, whether they are plainly noticeable (such as a stutter or physical handicap), or they are hidden inside (such as depression, anxiety, OCD, or other mental or emotional disorders). No matter the struggle, we don't have to go through it alone. We're stronger and better able to overcome anything when we allow others to stand by us and help us through.

Anyway, once again, I am thankful for my dear friends and I consider myself very blessed because I know and have known so many amazing people. I look forward to meeting many more.

It's always a good day when shared with a friend!

05 May 2011

Get out your pliers

Bestest Friend used to have the hardest time getting me to talk about what was really on my mind. We would sit for long periods of time while I tangented and changed the subject, got her to talk about herself, or just waited for her to decide she was too tired and go to bed. Eventually she started saying, "Do I need to get my pliers?" so she could pry out of me whatever was bothering me. I'm stubborn, though, and I do fairly well with keeping inside whatever I'm not sure I want to talk about.

A couple weeks ago Fozzy noticed something was bothering me. He tried really hard to get me to talk to him but I couldn't. Luckily Hey Pay showed up to watch a movie with us and I was off the hook. I told him I don't talk, I listen. He hasn't tried to get me to talk since...though I kind of wish he would. But he's not really a listener...maybe he would be if I gave him a chance.

I want to talk to someone. I want to confide in someone about the things that have been on my mind recently, but I still don't trust people (guys or girls) after being burned so many times. Even Bestest Friend is difficult to talk to these days. She has her baby girl now who takes up most of her attention. I'm doing my best to self-contain, but everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes.

It would be nice to go back to the days of sitting on Bestest Friend's backyard swing in the middle of the night, just swinging and talking. But she lives in a different house now, her pliers have been lost in all her moving about...I have my own swing now, if only I could find someone with a new pair of pliers to sit and talk with me. Maybe someday I'll find my voice again...

02 May 2011

behind the moon; beyond the rain

The Wizard of Oz has always been one of my favorite movies. The adventure, the music, the contrast of blank & white with Technicolor! I love Dorothy. She's a classic beauty; delicate, feminine, spunky, dauntless and heroic. I always wanted to be Dorothy, "the small and meek" fighting the Wicked Witch of the West or skipping through the forest arm in arm with the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion. The part I love the most, though, is the relationship formed between the four (and a half counting Toto) main characters.

I love the way they take care of each other without being wholly dependent on each other. I love the way they care about each other and have such a great time together. They are stronger and better able to face the challenges and dangers of their adventure because they are together. They each have their own personalities including strengths and weaknesses but they complement each other in such a way that makes them perfect companions.

As I was watching the movie last night I noticed something that I had never considered before. Dorothy is not some gorgeous, perfectly behaved child. She's pretty and intelligent, but she's kind of gawky and her aunt tells her to find a place where she won't get into trouble (which she doesn't manage to do). Likewise, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion are all basically misfits, unable to fulfill their intended purposes when they first meet Dorothy. The Scarecrow can't scare the crows and lacks "a brain", the Tin Man can't chop wood because he's rusted solid and lacks "a heart", and the Lion is unable to be king of the forest because he lacks courage. They are all a little scruffy and rough around the edges, but as they become friends, join forces, and pursue their quest to fill their deficiencies, they each find within themselves what they believed they lacked.

I kind of see in myself and certain members of my current group of friends the characters in The Wizard of Oz. We are scruffy and incomplete, insecure about our believed deficiencies, but we find companionship and security in each others' friendship. We are misfits, but we fit together in a way we've never quite fit with others. I feel comfortable and more confident when I'm with them. They seem to enjoy my particular talent for being accepting and nurturing. We have fun and, though our "wicked witches" are more subtle and vague, the foe we fight is so similar that it has a way of pulling us together. We understand each other and feel a kinship that is simply inexplicable. It's strange, but this perspective helps me to understand part of my purpose in this moment.

I'm so grateful for dear friends :)