30 March 2010

Happier is better

The last few weeks have been a little bit of a struggle. Parts of Sunday and the first half of yesterday were particularly difficult. I started writing a blog post about it but didn't have a chance to finish. I just went back to work on it and decided to start a new one instead. Thanks to Bones, getting some homework done, and good friends, I feel better now than I did.

Special thanks goes to my adopted siblings: Midgie, Shygirl, The Artist, The Williams Clan, The Mexican, Cousin C, and a few others. They listen, give me hugs and reassurance, notice me, support me, and just love me. That's what brothers and sisters are supposed to do...

At FHE last night we colored/decorated Easter Eggs! I don't like eggs so I gave mine to Niv but I had fun hanging out with people I adore and playing like children. When everyone else left, Shygirl and I walked out together. We started talking and ended up sitting in her car as she let me vent. I didn't know I was holding so much inside until I had someone who let me just talk. I think that helped more than almost anything else. I forget sometimes that if I just drop my guard, uncork the bottle and let things flow into the hands of someone I trust, I feel better.

As I talked I discovered some things about myself. The most important being that I am still holding some unresolved issues concerning my family inside. I thought I'd worked through it all. I thought I'd forgiven and established more healthy and positive relationships with my family members. But I realized that isn't quite the case. Things are better than they ever have been in the past, but they are still not completely settled. My next quest for self improvement, therefore, is to work it out. I need to figure out how to communicate in a more positive and effective manner. I know that I can't change them but I can change myself and my approach. It's not me, it's my technique.


I talked with mom when I got home today. I've started seeing things a little better and decided it might work to talk it out with mom. I'm of the opinion that two people can work anything out as long as they are both open and willing to talk (and LISTEN) about it until it's resolved. I had to explain things about three different ways before she understood, but I think she gets it.
Her confusion comes (I think) in the fact that I'm starting to realize and acknowledge my own responsibility in things. I've always had a tendency to put it all on other people. Now I see that much of my misery is caused by my own lack of perspective and vision. My reality is different from theirs because my vision was tainted by lies and misunderstanding. I'm not saying it's all on me, but I do see my part in it now.

Maybe we'll work things out afterall. Who knows...someday. At least I know I'm progressing! I can see where I've been and I can see where I am now and all the space between. I'm open and eager to learn and change and become better. I'm not bottling the bitterness and anger anymore, I'm working it out. It may take a few days, but I'm getting better dealing with things as they come instead of pushing them deep down inside and avoiding them.

...except my homework. I'm still avoiding that as much as I dare. I still don't know how I'm going to get this Grammar paper written so I don't fail. Ugh! I just don't know what to do. For now I better get to sleep so I'll be able to function tomorrow! Wish me luck ;-)

28 March 2010

Calm before the storm?

With about a month left of school I should be panicking. I have an 8-10 page paper due in my grammar class that I have no idea how to write; I have many things to write for my Lit class; I have a 75 question cumulative test in my Human Development class that I may or may not pass; and I have zero focus and below zero ambition. Besides school, I still don't have a job. 7 months without a job is not such a good thing. I've been fine until this month. I had to barrow money from my parents to pay my bills this month...and it looks like I'll have to barrow more for next month. I don't know where to find a job. I'm not going to school during the summer (even though I should so I can get through my degree faster, but they barely offer classes I need and I have no money to pay for it so it's better to just take the summer off and look for a job).

I should be panicked. I should be freaking out. But I'm not. Somehow things will work out. If I fail my classes, I fail. If I can't pay my bills, I can't. Life will go on and somehow things will get better. The money will come, the grades will be enough, my family and friends stand beside me. There's no use in worrying, there's no sense in panicking. Losing control of my thoughts and emotions will simply make it more difficult to get things done.

Today I can be calm and level-headed. Tomorrow I may freak out. I don't know. Maybe things will work out without an explosion this time...maybe I'll lose it completely. Right now it doesn't matter. Right now, at 12:38am on a Sunday morning, all that really matters is that it's time for sleeping. And yet, I'm awake and trying to write...hmmm...

23 March 2010

while waiting for my tea

I wanted to know my purpose, why I'm stuck in this phase and what I'm supposed to do while I'm here. The answer I got was the same I've been getting for months; serve, love, lift. There are people who need me, need my love, my experience, my strength, my compassion and empathy. There are people who need me to need them. I don't really understand it all, but I know for whatever purpose, this is where I am meant to be. This is where He wants me and what He wants me to be doing. It's a little discouraging at times because I want to be "over there" and moving on out of this phase...but it's not the right time. I need to be patient and humble and just do my part, making the most of where I am now and stop worrying about what's beyond the next hill or mountain...

What matters is here and now...what matters is the people in my current sphere of influence. Some will stay for a while. Some are simply passing through (and I'm learning to let them, I'm learning to not hold on so tight). I'm learning that love doesn't always mean they will be right here, beside me forever. Sometimes it's only meant to be a moment...and that's ok. Bestest Friend is an Always Friend. Shygirl is too. I'm beginning to think The Artist is as well, but that may change at some point...I hope not but if it does, it'll be ok.

In 15 minutes it's my birthday. I'll be 28 years old. I don't feel it. I don't act it. No one believes it, so maybe I'll fib a little and say I'm only 24 or 25. No, I'll own my age. I am 28 and it's ok. That just means I have 28 years of experience to claim. I hope with that age has come wisdom, at least little bits here and there. I feel wiser today than I was last year or the year before. I know myself better. I know better who I am and what I want. Not completely perhaps, but identity is somewhat of a life-long pursuit. We are ever evolving, ever learning and growing and becoming better (we hope). I speak more kindly and more softly now than I did. I smile more and relax more. I don't worry so much and I enjoy life and friendships better than I used to. I'm not depressed as often and when I am I can usually pull myself out of it, or I know who to call to help me get back up. I think I'm better today than I was yesterday, and tomorrow I'll be a little better than today.

My tea is ready now and I really need to go to bed. I skipped class yesterday because I've been ill and even though I still feel pretty lousy I can't miss another day. Maybe it won't be so bad tomorrow...

21 March 2010

don't let it get you down

Some friends were going to a fireside tonight so after dinner I took a shower. I swallowed some medicine and trudged out the door, determined to forget that I was sick. The fireside was amazing! Jessie Clark Funk (no relation), an LDS musician came to sing for us. She is really great. I coughed a few times because the room was really warm but generally I felt a lot better.

*Side Notes*
* Bobpi and his fiance were there. Part of me wanted to talk with them but they've made it pretty clear (through their silence) that they don't want me in their life. I realized as I watched them from across the room that I'm still sad over the loss of friendship...but they look happy together, so I'm happy for them.

* At one point, for reasons I can't explain, I had an intense sentation wash over me. I looked around, half hoping the weasel was there. As I mentioned before, I can't have him active in my life, but I kind of wish I could run into him in some public place and have a conversation with him. I don't necessarily have anything to say, and I know it's better to keep a safe distance, but there are things that are easier to communicate face to face than in writing...it's complicated. He wasn't there so it really doesn't matter I suppose. That's another lost friendship that makes me sad to think of.

I did my best in both cases, I have nothing to regret, nothing to apologize for...and I'm getting better at letting go. *

Jessie sang a bunch of songs. Some were up beat and fun, others were soulful and religious, and some were heartfelt love songs. She also told stories to go along with some of the songs. It was a really good time. She's pretty and has a great voice and a kind spirit. I wrote in my journal for much of the time. Something about good music inspires the words to flow more freely.

The last story she told was about losing two unborn children and the heartache and faith challenge that come with such a loss. The song she sang was about how God knows better than we do and how we should trust in Him. My eyes filled with tears and my arms and heart ached in a way they haven't in a very long time. Anyone who really knows me knows that my ultimate goal in life is to be a mother. I've been dreaming of my babies since I was a child myself. My 28th birthday is on Wednesday. I never thought I would still be single at this age. I was sure I'd be married with at least one or two children by now. I'm not even dating anyone.

Most days I'm content. I don't dwell on what my life is lacking. I no longer think of my little ones or wish on every star that my husband will come. I haven't given up hope, I simply came to understand that God has a plan. He sees what I don't see. I'm in the valley with curves and boulders in my way but He's up on the mountaintop and knows the best route for the path I'm on. He's given me family and friends. He's given me two adorable nephews who love me. He's given me purpose and step-by-step guidance when I trust in Him to lead me.

I shed a couple of tears and I may shed a few more before I fall asleep tonight but they are not discouraged tears. They are hopeful tears of peaceful longing; a tender, humble prayer to keep me working toward my goal.

Once again I was reassured today that Heavenly Father loves me and knows me. I am in His care and He will bless me with all I need. I was also reassured that my friends love me and stand by me always. Life is good and getting better all the time!

15 March 2010


I've been feeling a little inadequate recently.
First of all, I'm not feeling so great about school...I'll be completely blessed if I pass all my classes (right now I'm pretty much aiming for a C in at least two, if not three, out of four). I'm discovering that my real talents lie more in my minor than in my major...but changing at this point will put me further behind schedule.
I still don't have any employment or any real idea what I'm looking for.
My social life is in full force...but my dating life needs quite a bit of resuscitation.

Last night as I lay in bed trying to sleep my mind whirled with such thoughts as: What should I really be doing with my life? Where am I going to find the money to pay my bills? How can I get all my school work done this week? Am I really any good at anything? And other similar concerns.

Today at church I was showered with praise. I was recently made the communications chair and one of my responsibilities is to create a photo directory of ward members with their picture, name, phone number and address (in color). I've been putting off the project, hoping my computer (which is still in repair after almost 7 weeks) would be returned. Well, I couldn't put it off any longer so I worked really hard all week and finally came up with a rather impressive set-up. Everyone raved about it! I got a lot of "You're amazing, wonderful, phenominal" etc. from various people all day. At one point I was referred to as the ward's most valuable member of the day. Ha! That's pretty funny.

Anyway, I don't write this to say, "Hey, look how awesome I am!" My point in writing this is to say, "Well, at least I'm doing something right!" I didn't really need all the praise and validation today, I love my calling and I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to serve in whatever way I can. It was nice and I did bask a little...but really, it was just nice to know that I'm not messing everything up. And really, when it comes down to it, I'd rather be good at this sort of thing than anything else because this is what really counts in the eternal scheme of things. The reason I love this aspect of my calling so much is because it's all about the people. I get to know their faces and names, I get to keep track of their comings and goings in the ward. I get to help other people do the same.

Yes, I'm saying it again, "People are what matter the most!" It's not about the stats, it's not about quotas or getting things done. It's about friendship and fellowshipping. It's about the individuals. Noticing and acknowledging individuals; I'm good at that!

13 March 2010

Superman, The Artist, and Me

Recently The Artist has become one of my dearest friends. We've always had a great relationship and there's never been the complication of attraction between us. We are friends, possibly even more like brother and sister; since I never had an older brother and always wanted one, it's a pretty good set up.

Today we both had some free time so The Artist came over and we spent the end of the afternoon and beginning of evening watching Smallville (his favorite TV show, my favorite super hero). Before we started watching, however, we talked. We talked for probably about an hour before turning on the show. If you've read Dr. Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, you'll understand what I mean when I say that The Artist and I both have Quality Time as our primary love language with the particular dialect being Quality Conversation. Sit down with me, face to face, on a regular basis and have a really good conversation with me, and I will feel that you love me. It's really nice to have a friends who speak the same language. The Artist talks to me and I talk to him, we each listen to what the other has to say. We have a conversation, never a monologue. It's good.

I don't remember the last time The Artist and I hung out just the two of us for such a period of time. I love having all my friends around, I love parties and big group activities...but now and then it's really nice to have his undivided attention. It was the best afternoon I've had in a long time; just Superman, The Artist and Me!

11 March 2010

to my girl friends...and the artist

just when i start to fall apart
you come along and lift my heart
you understand in such a way
i know i'll make it one more day

whenever i feel lost and alone
just one word, you guide me home
you stand strong when I am weak
and bring the light when life is bleak

I don't know if I'll add more to this poem or not...it's been so long since I've written anything that I'm not sure how much will come now that I'm having little spurts of inspiration or creativity...maybe the block is starting to crumble (I can only hope). The last couple of weeks have been strange and turbulent. Emotionally drained and physically exhausted, I just want to sleep all next week during spring break...but I have a ton of homework and I don't think my friends will let me ignore them like that. I am so blessed and I'm reminded of it rather constantly these days.

Today I was fretting about my computer. I called to see if I could find any information or nudge the progress along and I got nowhere. After hanging up the phone I was so aggitated and upset I couldn't even see straight. Just then I got a text from Midgie. She suggested ice cream as a solution! Brilliant! Just before I left to pick her up Niv called for a chat. She wanted to know if I had time to hang out with her this weekend. I already have plans with RSP2 tomorrow (so I also had to turn down a dancing date with BMT), and The Artist wants to watch Superman on Saturday, which means the whole group will be invited...I'm so blessed! The Enforcer (my new bodyguard and adopted brother) has been a particular blessing and asset to my life. He's the brother of two good friends (and recently adopted sisters) and the boyfriend of another dear friend so I'm included in the span of his influence. He's someone you don't want to mess with and has taken it upon himself to be my personal protector! I love it!

Midgie gets me in a way others don't. She's been through similar things and so she understands the moments of trauma, depression and anxiety. We talked tonight and I felt safe to confide in her. Pieces of my heart are coming together, pieces of my history are slowly fading away. And the artist in me is finally reviving! I've been begging Heaven to bless me with words. I haven't been dealing, I haven't been acknowledging openly the things that have been holding my emotions and my talents hostage. But now, slowly, I'm opening up, I'm learning to trust, I'm allowing others to help me and take care of me. I don't have to be strong alone and stand entirely on my own. I give them love, friendship and acceptance. They give me the same in return.

I've prayed so hard and so long for "my people" and finally the windows of Heaven are beginning to open. I asked Midgie tonight, "I'm so tired, I'm so weary of tears and heartache, isn't it time yet for me to be happy?" She laughed and said, "Not yet, I guess." But generally I am happy. I'm content being single. I have friends I can talk to, friends who hug me, friends who love me and help me be strong. I am generally happy.

Most of all, I am building a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know He knows me. I know He loves me. I know I am in His hands and He is taking care of me. He knows where I've been and all I've been through because he's been there with me, and I know He'll be with me still. I am in His care. He warns me of danger and helps me to stand strong when the turbulence comes and tries to shake me. He provides for my needs and teaches me patience in my want.

I don't know where life will lead. I don't know what paths I will tread or who will be by my side. I don't know how many friends will come and go (and I'm learning that sometimes it is necessary to say goodbye when life leads us in different directions). There's always someone else to pick up where the other left off; a new lesson to learn, a new heart to lift, a new etching on my heart. And each new step provides an opportunity to make the next step better than the last. I am progressing in leaps and bounds. I am moving forward with the help of friends. I'm not alone, I am not weak. I am loved and I am destined for greatness!

09 March 2010

Six weeks and still waiting

I'm really not happy with Geek Squad right now. Six weeks ago I slipped on the snow at school, busted my knee and dropped my computer, breaking the corner. I immediately took my computer to Best Buy where I bought it with the hope that getting it right in would mean I would get it right back. No so much. Here I am 6 weeks later and I can't get any more information than, "we had to send it to California and they had to order a part and now it's 'in repair', really, I promise, someone is working on it as we speak."

Right! Hah! I went to the website and put in the order number to check the status and they haven't updated since February 12 --> which said that it's being repaired. Seriously? It takes a whole month to repair the frame of my computer? Nothing was wrong with any of the hardware, just the casing...this is unacceptable.

But what can I do? Yelling at them about it won't help. Besides, anyone I could actually get on the phone wouldn't be the one who is actually responsible for the delay. I don't know what to do. I'm going nuts without my laptop, especially since I have so many writing projects for school. I obviously have access to a computer but it's uncomfortable, inconveniently located and terribly distracting when anyone else is in the room. I'm a writer, an artist without her tool...I can't go on this way much longer or I am going to fail all my classes.

Please computer wizards, please give my laptop back to me! Someone please help me out. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk to computer people so they will listen and take action to fulfill my need. *sigh*

08 March 2010

Friends of a Feather Flock Forever

The CES Fireside last night was about friendship. One thing that was mentioned was: To find good friends, be a good friend (or something to that effect). I looked around me and found myself surrounded by really great friends. We have the same values and standards (most important), we have similar interests and goals, and we have a similar perspective on friendship.

When I'm in trouble I know they will be there...and they know the same of me. I have three particular best friends who have been fairly constant in my life for a number of years. I have others who, although time and life take us in different directions, we know we'll come together again and it will be as though no time was lost.

I have other friends who have touched my life and taken up residence in my heart and although we probably will never meet again in this life, I will always cherish their memory and look forward to eternity when we will greet each other again.

I am the friend I want to be. I greet everyone I meet with open arms and an open heart and I know I will always have someone there when I turn around. In moments of fear, disappointment or discouragement, I know I have a place I can turn for encouragement and support...or just to have a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on.

Have faith in Heaven and keep your heart open and there will always be a friend beside you when you look for one.

Thank you to all of my dear friends! I love you most exquisitely and I am grateful for your influence in my life!

06 March 2010

I wish I could understand

I am a nurturer. I am a lover. I am compassionate and empathetic. I look for the best in others and I give the benefit of the doubt. I don't abandon, I don't reject, I don't throw people away.

My greatest satisfaction in life comes from listening, helping, lifting, enouraging, loving, accepting, inspiring, understanding, educating.

The one thing that breaks my heart more than anything is to see a need that I can not fill, to want to satisfy a request but be powerless to do so.

I'm in such a position right now and it kills me. But he and I have been in this place too many times before and every time is the same. He's drawn to me because I am the leader of the Misfits. He is drawn to me because I love and listen and accept; those are things he needs and can not find elsewhere. Perhaps he does realize what he lost in losing my friendship but he doesn't know, he doesn't understand his own manipulations and abuses. He doesn't know about boundaries and rules and acceptable structures of friendships. He doesn't know how to build and maintain trust.

I don't fault him, he was broken when we met; I pity him. I want to be the friend he needs, I want to help him find the right way. But he has power to hurt me; power I ignorantly gave to him long ago and now I don't know how to take it back. I am not vulnerable or depressed as I used to be. In his absence I have found strength and power, light and faith...but none of it is strong enough to support me if I let him back into my life. He would "unintentionally" drag me back down.

My intuition was on high alert all week. The anxiety and deep discouragement I felt last weekend were premonitions of his impending attempts to re-enter my life. I thank Heaven for the warning and the preparation so I could remain calm and compassionate. I had to tell him no. He won't agree with my reasoning but I hope he will honor my request and stay away. I still care about his wellbeing and I have forgiven him...but I can not have him in my life. I often sacrifice greatly for my friends, I would give my life (or whatever else they need) for most of them, but I have nothing left to give him. He has carelessly discarded my trust and my friendship one too many times and I fear he will never be able to win it back.

I hope he understands how sorry I am. I hope he doesn't get angry or bitter, I hope he can just accept it and learn from this to be more careful and take better care of the people and relationships in his life. How many times have I said, "People are what matters"? What a vitally important understanding to gain. If you mistreat them or neglect them, use them or abuse them, they will not be there when you want or need them.

He has great capacity for goodness in him. He can be very kind, very tender, very encouraging and supportive. But somehow, with me, he forgets the goodness (and that could be partially my fault for not enforcing the rules and boundaries...I didn't know how back then but I've learned). He has great potential if he'll just believe in himself and stop holding himself back. I hope he opens his heart and allows the peace and healing in. Maybe one day he'll be in a better place and he'll be someone I can associate with again. But for now my intuition says to keep him away.

So I've blocked him from everything except my blog (for now). I want to keep my blog public because I know there are people I don't know who read it and if anything I say can be of use or do good in their lives I don't want to take that away. I don't think that will be a problem though...

Good luck, sir, and know that my heart is broken on your behalf. I truly hope you find what you are looking for...it isn't me.

02 March 2010

Haven't you noticed? You're the leader of the Misfits, and we LOVE you!

My moment of self pity and insecurity tained my whole weekend and spilled over to Monday. By the time I got to FHE I was suppressing my tears with bitter sarcasm. Not good. I could not restrain myself from letting depressed comments whisper from my lips. I was asking for help, wanting someone to coax from me the thoughts and feelings creating my Eeyore cloud of gloom and doom.

I love and appreciate The CU Kids, The Artist, Cousin C, my newly adopted siblings, and Dirty D for giving me the permission and encouragement I needed to spill my guts. I've been bottling again and my stress and depression came from the panicked feeling that I had nowhere to uncork. I can write and write all I want but eventually I need to vocally vent...to someone. I need to work it out, hear how stupid some of it sounds, and receive feedback on the stuff I can't figure out on my own. What I needed the most was reassurance. I needed to voice my fears and have them refuted.

I usually try to hide my feelings, particularly my insecurities, from my friends because I'm afraid that if I show my doubts and vulnerability they will stop being my friend. Right now I am happy with the group of friends I have. In fact, I'm happier than I've been since Spring/Summer of 2003 because I have a group of friends I can have fun with. Friday is when the depressing, fear-invoking lies started taking root in my brain.

The first thought was, "I'm happy, I love my friends and they love me!"
The next thought was, "Enjoy it while you can, it won't last...it never lasts long, then you'll be all alone again."
With that thought, fear gripped my heart and wouldn't let go.
Every little word or action that could possibly be misconstrued added up in my mind to create the beginnings decay, the first signs that my social life was on the verge of crumbling.

Seriously, I don't know what's been wrong with me, I haven't had thoughts so absurd and out of control in quite a while. I felt completely unloved and entirely unnecessary. I thought everyone was just putting up with me because my house was conveniently located and available and that given the opportunity I would be dropped and excluded

I talked it out, found love, reassurance, acceptance and a deeper connection with my newish friends. This morning I got the following text message from my dearest, The Artist: "You are a person of great worth and awesomeness...your job is to believe this :)" What a sweetheart! I am so blessed with great friends who love and accept me, and who are willing to remind me of who I am and what I am worth when I falter or forget.