30 October 2009

Instead, Become Inspired

If I have to, I'll survive it. Ok? But...there's always a way. When things look like there is no way, there is a way. To do the impossible, to survive the unsurvivable, there's always a way. And you, you and I have this in common: we're inspired. In the face of the impossible, we're inspired...So...today if you become frightened, instead, become inspired.

~ Grey's Anatomy

29 October 2009

Don't let my intuition freak you out

I know it seems a little creepy from your current perspective but it's not supposed to be. Just know someone you once loved cares enough to know when you are experiencing something profound (for better or worse). All day you slipped into my thoughts, I tried to push you out but you wouldn't go. So instead of pushing or dwelling, every time I had a thought of you I just said a little prayer on your behalf. I told Heaven that I can't be there for you right now but my faith and hope can help to lift you from afar.

I don't have the words to explain because you have an idea in your head about what I feel for you that just isn't quite true. You're stubborn though, like you said, you hear what you want to hear and do what you want to do...and believe what you want to believe. It's ok. I know the truth. In time, maybe you'll understand too. I know I'm intense so it seems like it's different from what it is because I love you deep down into the roots of my heart and soul...but that doesn't mean I want you as more than a friend. So don't be weird, don't be awkward and don't think that I'm pining over you. I just love you.

It's one of those quirks...hopefully an endearing one. ;-)

24 October 2009

Someone Else

Over the last month I have been breaking open. The non-stop sobbing was part of the healing process, the end of the healing process. This week, on Wednesday I had a unique experience that turned my whole world around. If you want to know about it let me know and I'll tell you, it's too personal to talk about it here. The point is, I'm free! I'm healed! It's been a long and difficult struggle but it's finally done.

Bestest Friend and Shygirl took me shopping today! I decided I could affort spending some money to update my look so after Bestest Friend's bridal shower we stopped at Layton Hills Mall. Bestest Friend has a great fashion sense and she LOVES to shop so she went a little crazy. She pulled clothes off the racks at every turn and then ordered me to the dressing room. They had me try on everything and model it for them so they could decide what works and what doesn't. I bought some fun stuff that will hopefully help to show my personality a little better than the stuff I've been wearing.

It was actually at Bobpi's suggestion that I get some new clothes. Over the last few years I've been recreating myself and during the process, my wardrobe became drab and boring. I just needed to breathe some life into it, now that I'm more myself. Clothes don't make the person, but they can help with confidence and perspective. Thanks for the suggestion Bobpi. Thanks for choosing my new clothes Bestest Friend and Shygirl! Love you all!

23 October 2009


Shygirl came over with the intention of watching Bones from last night but it turns out it wasn't on or something. So we talked while we waited for The Artist to be ready to meet us for dinner. We went to the District for dinner at The Olive Garden! It was pretty tasty :-)

I absolutely adore The Artist. He makes me laugh so hard sometimes, but he's also good for deep and serious conversation. He's very entertaining! I adored spending the evening with him and Shygirl.

22 October 2009

Giggles, Grins and Giddy Twitterpation

Tonight was fun! He told me to dress up and fix my hair differently so I did. It surprised him, maybe stole his breath a bit?

I used to sparkle sometimes. When I was "living at the insititute" and I would have a particularly good day, my eyes would sparkle and people would be drawn to me. I was Fun Laura then: The Funk! with the dance and the giggles. I used to be giddy a lot and my face beamed and my sense of humor and flirtatious side would shine through. People liked me then!
I liked me then!

Tonight I felt that way again...only better and I can't spell out exactly why...but I know! There was an energy and a chemistry that surged through me and I just couldn't stop smiling (my whole face, even my usually sad eyes were sparkling).
A huge part of it was being there, with him. I'm always happy when I'm with him...he is part of my home, my heart...I'm safe with him.
We watched Heroes...which also makes me happy, and Shygirl was there so it was fun!

I will tell you the real difference, the one he saw that caused him to ask, "Did you do something different with your face?" "Haha, yes," I said, "I am smiling!" But smiling is only part of it. The rest is because I am experiencing peace, healing, faith, and other Gifts of the Spirit that have been lacking in my life until now.
I'm working on restitution, making up for the time I was lost and selfish. I'm doing all I can to show the Lord that I am committed and that I am placing my life and my will and my desires in His hands. And I am finding bits of happiness there.

There is one who when your crying's done
gives the gifts you've never known
He'll give fruit because he is the vine
And life for he's the living stone.
(Lyrics from: The Man with Many Names by Michael McLean)

I believe that good, even great things are coming! I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know they are!
Looks like I'll just have to wait for God to set me up with someone, it seems no one else wants to help me out...That's ok, God's choosing is best anyway ;-)

21 October 2009

out of practice

Tonight I went to the 25-30 institute class at the Sandy campus. The talk was more of an astronomy lesson, some cool pictures but not incredibly uplifting.
I suppose you wouldn't be completely wrong if you said, "Dearest, you weren't there for the talk anyway, you were there to meet people!"

Yes, that is true. The trouble is that I'm so out of practice it's almost laughable. So I stood by The Artist and his "girlfriend" and smiled. I tried to make myself look appealing but it would seem that I was either appaling or invisible. Whatever the case, I did not meet any guys tonight. I'm ok with that though. I don't really want to meet a guy that way, I've never really had any luck with guys I've met that way. I'll keep going and keep smiling and such, but I'd prefer to meet someone some other way.

A smaller setting, for example; a friendly gathering or perhaps the choir. The most success has been through a mutual friend. So I guess the point I'm trying to get to is:

I'm now accepting applications/invitations for blind dates. If you have a friend who is a good guy and you think we might get along, give me a call or leave me a message or find me on Facebook and I'll be more than happy to give him a chance...and let him give me a chance. I'm opening myself up to a broad new world of possibilities here!

The times they are a-changin' and I'm changing too! Life is good!

19 October 2009

Life Painting with The Artist

I have to start by mentioning that Bestest Friend has been really good about keeping in touch, she checks up on me at least every other day. She knows I need her right now and even though it's not face time, it's still better than nothing...it's enough and I am grateful!

Now to the real point of the post. Shygirl and I went to the stake musical review show thing the other night (very good, by the way) and kicked ourselves the whole time for being to cowardly to audition. It would have been such fun and we need to stop hiding our talents and all so we decided we were going to start doing things. I think my determination is a little stronger than hers, but then I'm a bit more outoing than she is. The point is, I joined my ward choir! And I made Shygirl come with me to stake choir as well...we'll be singing at stake conference next month.

I have always loved singing and I'm not too bad (if I do say so myself, which I have to because very few others have heard me sing). This way I am improving my talent, getting involved, meeting new people, and praising the Lord! Good times :-) I'm really happy with my decision.

Along with joining the choirs, I decided I probably ought to start going to more ward functions so I can meet people and feel like I'm more a part of the ward. So, The Artist talked me into going to ward prayer tonight. I have not been to a ward prayer in a very long time. It's been nearly two years, I think. I used to have such fun at ward prayer, but that was back in the day with all those phenominal friends I used to have (back in the hugging days of living at the institute).
I mainly hung out with The Artist tonight. I did talk with a few other people, but I stayed by The Artist's side the whole night. Mainly because there wasn't anyone there more interesting. I promise it wasn't out of fear or anything like that. At least I went. I'm putting forth the effort, eh? ;-)

The Artist and I have been friends for quite a while. We used to have great, lengthy, deep conversations but it's been a while since we've just hung out and talked. We parked on different sides of the building so he walked me to my car, where we ended up staying and talking for a good hour or hour and a half. We talked about all sorts of things, mostly relationships and the lessons we've learned and how far we've come and new insights gained and such. I love those conversations: complete, honest, personal, and sincere; when you open up to another person and make a connection because you realize that you're so alike. I discovered tonight (well, I knew it before so I guess I just rediscovered) that he and I are not just soul friends, we're soul twins. We're like the same person only in different bodies...but our souls are almost identical in a lot of ways so we really understand each other. It's fun when that happens because you feel like someone else actually does know what you mean! It was good, something I really needed.

I feel a little better now. I still don't have the answers I'm searching for but at least I feel up and motivated. Time to progress some more! Each day I feel a little different. Each day I see that I'm not who I've been the last two years, I'm much better and much more than that sad, bitter, pathetic, defective wretch that I was. I'm happier, motivated, open, affectionate and ready to face the world head-on. I'm ready (and willing and eager) to live! Finally!

17 October 2009

when the words come

well, it's not 2am and it's not what i was supposed to be writing but it was what i needed to write. i'm just in ecstasy that i'm writing at all!

honestly, i have not been myself for a very long time. i know i'm not myself when i can't write. i have been writing poetry and stories since i was 16 years old and never in my life have i had such trouble for so long a time as i've had the last two years. i know bobpi thought it was him. i know he was sad that he couldn't inspire me to write. i'm so much more than overjoyed to announce that my inability to write had absolutely no connection to him. i was not myself.
when i am not myself i can't do any of the normal things that i love to do.

not only was i not myself, i was in the process of destroying a lot of what i had become. bobpi held me together in a way i didn't even realize until now...now that i've reconstructed myself. i threw away most of the trash. i have been in the process of a massive remodeling. seriously, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition has absolutely nothing on me. i demolished the shack of my heart, my mind, my life until i found the foundation. the foundation was strong and firm and immovable as it should be...but everything above it was infested with termites and other insects and vermin. the walls were cracked and peeling, the wood was splintered, and the windows were so dirty that no one could see in and i could not see out. the doors were all rusted shut.

dear bobpi dug a tunnel into my hiding place and then helped me to knock down the walls and start to rebuild. i don't know why i had to finish it on my own. i don't know why the new deed couldn't have had his name on it as well. only God and the future know the answer to that. but i'm patient, i can wait for understanding.

until then, bobpi has a key and he is welcome any time he wants to visit. i hope he does visit often so he can come to know the real me; he didn't know me before. but then, somehow i think he knows me, deep down in his soul friend heart, and that's why he's still around.

right now i sit on the front porch swing (figuratively, it's too cold to sit out there now at 1:30am) and wrap myself in gratitude for all the blessings in my life. my heart has been healed, my eyes have been opened so i can see more clearly than ever before. i am grateful that i have friends who stand by me and love me no matter how awful the anti-me was to them. i am grateful for the lessons i've learned. i am grateful that instead of killing me, they have made me stronger, and continue to do so.

i'm still in the process of rediscovering myself, but i'm starting to get a pretty good idea of who i want to be, and who i really am. i am a writer of poetry and long, rambling self-discovery prose. i am imaginative and enthusiastic. i'm perky (but not in an obnoxious way). i'm not really different from those around me but i do have some quirks (generally endearing until bobpi tells me otherwise ;-) haha). i am a friend to the friendless, a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. i am fun and will strive to be outgoing. i am kind and understanding. i am intelligent, loyal, determined and generally fantastic!

i am me: Laura Elizabeth Funk

p.s. i think i may have one idea as to why i had to finish things myself. once the house was destroyed and most of the rebuilding was done i had to go through the news house by myself and become acquainted with myself. this is a deeply personal and spiritual experience and can only be done alone. i can not share my house, my heart, my life, with someone else until I am completely settled into it. it's unwise to go into marriage if you do not know yourself first.

13 October 2009

I may have changed my mind again. Perhaps I don't want to go into publishing...I wish I could decide what I really want to do, it would do wonders for the job search! *Sigh*

In more decided news, of the three poems I submitted to Epiphany, they chose "Jaded"! I'm being published in an official college literary journal! It's not much, but it's a start :-)
Maybe I should be a writer after all...hmmm.

09 October 2009

God is watching out for me!

I've been stressed because I still have not found a job and my student loan hasn't come through yet and I have my school and car payments coming through this weekend. I didn't know what to do and I have been praying my heart out for something to help me out. Today I received a check for $218.44 from an insurance or retirement plan I didn't even know I had with the CU. It's not enough to pay all my bills but it is enough to boost my spirits and assuage some of my stress...and strengthen my testimony. It's going to be ok! Somehow things will work out!

02 October 2009

So Happy Together!

The Happy Couple

Who's taller? ;-)

A bit of an exhausting day!

The Cake Topper Photo

"She was a the bride of my dreams"

Her faithful "Ladies in Waiting"

I'm so happy that she is so happy! Not a hint of jealousy at all today! I'm just grateful that I was able to be with my Bestest Friend on her wedding day. She is so beautiful and her husband (so weird to call him that) is so handsome. They are a perfect match in every way! The day was like a fairy tale or a dream...perfect, completely perfect! They are so happy and they will have a wonderful life together. The temple ceremony was beautiful and the dinner with close friends and family was a lot of fun.

All of Bestest Friend's family kept telling me it is my turn next. They want to sign me up for online dating...I said no thanks! When the time is right things will work out. I'm happy. I'm pursuing the right course (finally). I am becoming the best I can be so that I'll be ready when the love meant for me comes around again. I think Shygirl needs me to be single with her a little while longer. My goal is to find her a worthy and wonderful gentleman first. Once I know she's taken care of, then I'll focus on finding someone for myself (not that I'll turn him away if he comes sooner).

I'm open, progressing, and ready for love!