28 November 2014

lean on me, when you're not strong...

life caves in on me sometimes
everything starts to hurt too much
i get too buried in all the rubble
the way out obstructs my view
i need someone on the outside
close enough to see what I can not
to help clear the path, guide me out
you know something no one else knows
so this time the guide has to be you
this is all I ever ask from others
the one thing I cannot do for myself

i'm in the dark place. that's what i call it when i feel so overwhelmed that i can't see clearly. i know what will help the most but i have a really hard time asking. when i am my enemy i can't do it alone. i need someone else to show me the way. but what if no one is there? what if the person i need the most is too busy or too far away? i ask someone else, someone who has been there and has claimed to care...but then ends up being a selfish jerk when all i need is a little compassion and understanding; someone to listen and tell me i'm still ok and worthwhile. i forget he's not Will.  they're so similar in so many ways that i forget i can't rely on him when i need someone the most.  i miss Will with my whole everything. he's the one man in all the world (that i've come across anyway) who has seen my dark place and my scars and my fears and my wreckage and didn't walk away or treat me the way i felt. he accepted me, stuck by me, cared for me, guided me, and always gave so much more than he ever received.  he's still around, but lives too far away now.  he can't sit with me, write with me, play his guitar for me, hug me, and without even one word, remind me that i matter and that i'm not alone in the world. bestest friend is too busy and preoccupied with a 4 year old and a newborn. Chelle lives too far away and doesn't answer her phone 90% the time.  they are the people i feel most comfortable talking to, they are the ones who have listened, they are the ones who have pulled me from the rubble in the past.  i don't know what to do.  i'm in deep this time, too deep for anyone to see or hear or reach me.  

you can't tell to look at me. i put on a smile and say everything is fine...or i go silent so i won't bring people down or burden them. but i hurt inside; my everything hurts all the time these days. i am anxious and tense all the time. i try to cope alone. i try to take care of myself. i know my happiness is dependent on myself and not on someone else...but there are moments, like this one, when i just can't do it alone. how do i explain this so those who haven't been here can understand? i'm not asking them to be my leg, i'm asking them to hold my hand, help me balance for a second while i figure out how to regain my footing. i am not dependent on them for my whole life, i'm asking only for one breath.  i have been there for them on countless occasions.  i am usually willing and eager to be there when someone else is in need. is there a way to make them understand? i'm not asking for them to bring me the moon, just remind me that it still shines every night, even when i can't see it. because right now, in this moment, i can't see it.

if you read this, please just send up a prayer for me, or say something nice and encouraging...that's all i really need, just some kindness, some faith (because mine is weak at the moment) and nice words. 


p.s. i will find the way back into the light. i had a pretty good month in October...once the museum was closed and that stress was over. i had a couple of pretty great weeks actually...until i started my new job and lost my footing again. i'm trying really hard not to hate it, but i kind of do. my eyes and my shoulders aren't adjusting well...and i feel more inept than i've felt at any other job ever.  and i miss the museum. i miss having people who care about me and who are always excited to see me when i get to work. i miss feeling necessary and wanted.  money isn't worth this...but i need it. i'm just not sure it's worth losing my sanity over. i'm grateful that i have employment, and that i am making more money and will have medical and dental insurance in a couple months (if i last that long). but i hate feeling this way and i can't figure out how to change it. i'm stuck in the dark and can't find the switch. sigh. anyway, i do know it's not as dark as it seemed today.  and i'm trying to find the hope that things will get better. it's just not very easy to feel that way right now.  but i'm trying.

oh! and my dear Will friend is coming for a visit at Christmas, so there's something to look forward to.

24 September 2014


“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey 

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
Bob Marley 

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.”
Jon Katz 

“He must have known I'd want to leave you."
"No, he must have known you would always want to come back.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”
Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island 

“Friendship- my definition- is built on two things. Respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don't have trust, the friendship will crumble.”
Stieg Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo  

 The concept of friendship has been on my mind a lot recently. I wrote a big post about how a certain someone said he wants to be friends but that I don't know how that's possible since he doesn't know how to be a friend to me and friendship should be balanced and two-sided. How self righteous, selfish and unfriend like is that attitude? Yes, ideally friendships are equally yoked, give and receive, everybody benefits from every encounter. But, sometimes one friend has to be the one to give much more than seems fair or right in a given moment. I'm sorry that I have not been a very good friend to a lot of people the last few years. I have been too focused on my own needs and problems and have forgotten how to be a good friend to others despite my own struggles. 
With this new insight I will try to be a better friend.

I am grateful for all the good friends who have shown me that friendship is a whole, and can make broken pieces whole again. Friendship is giving and receiving. Friendship is kind, patient, understanding, forgiving, gentle, uplifting and fulfilling.  Friendship is accepting all the flaws and shortcomings along with the talents and triumphs.  Friendship is just being there in the right moment with the right attitude.  Friendship sometimes feels heavy but is worth the effort. True friendship is worth more than all the riches in the world and costs only time and heart. Friendship is compassionately honest. Friendship is worth fighting for, even if that means just loving someone from whatever distance they need in a moment. And friendship is accepting them back with open arms and a joyful heart when they are ready.

This is how it works. I love the people in my life, and I do for my friends whatever they need me to do for them, again and again, as many times as is necessary. For example, in your case you always forgot who you are and how much you're loved. So what I do for you as your friend is remind you who you are and tell you how much I love you. And this isn't any kind of burden for me, because I love who you are very much. Every time I remind you, I get to remember with you, which is my pleasure.”

23 September 2014

Understanding & Love

“Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love.”  ~ John Steinbeck

“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people.”
John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom 

A few months ago I opened a door that had been closed and deadbolted for nearly 7 years.  I did not rush into the decision.  Only after careful and prayerful consideration did I release the lock and grasp the dusty knob.  On the other side of the door stood a man eager for reconnection.  Every step I took hesitantly.  Old scars burned, reminding me to tread carefully.  But his words, so filled with apology and promise, soothed and softened and began to heal the wounds he'd so carelessly created so many years ago.  I sometimes wish the gashes and bruises and breaks were visible, like someone battered and kicked down stairs, then maybe he would have seen the damage and stopped.  But he cut and tore deeply and invisibly.  For reasons I will never understand, I loved him and let him.  I saw goodness in him, made excuses for his mistreatment.  He wasn't parented well, he had a rough childhood, a rough life, he wasn't taught love and compassion and understanding.  I love too easily, too deeply...especially those who are most in need of love and compassion.

He said that he had changed.  He said he wanted me in his life and he regretted all the hurt he had caused.  He said he would commit. He spoke often of our future together, as though being together for a long time was an inevitability.  He said he loved me.  He tried.  I know he tried.  In all his apparent affection and hope for the future, I got lost.  My fear of the past and the still aching scars kept me uncertain and holding back.  I still wasn't sure I wanted to be in the present, let alone continue with him into the future he imagined.  I couldn't keep up.  I couldn't explain my resistance.  I didn't want to hurt him with the hurt he'd caused me.  I wanted to forgive and forget and give the new us a chance.  But he did not understand and impatiently put me off.  It was too hard.  New relationships shouldn't be so hard.  But it wasn't a new relationship, only a new chapter in an old story.  I tried to explain but he wouldn't hear.  My inability to speak is a huge problem between us.  I try to say what I need to but the words don't come out right and he does not try to understand.  On the verge of spewing the words, explaining the circumstance, the conflict inside my heart, he silenced me.

A week ago he broke up with me.  In the moment it was a good break up.  He said he didn't want to lose me and he wanted to just be friends.  I wanted that too, but as the following days evolved I became less certain of the possibility.  "Friendship" is a conflicting term for us.  My definition is very different than his.  So I told him I needed time to consider.  A few days away from him allowed me time to release the breath I hadn't known I'd been holding for months.  Understanding flooded and revealed his best efforts and my mistakes, my fears, my doubts, and my hopes.  I had been so focused on the past and the future I forgot to just be and find joy in the moment.  I noticed too much what he wasn't doing that I forgot to recognize and appreciate the kind and loving things he did: remembering I don't like ice in my water, paying for dinner, walking me to my car, making sure I got home safely, holding me, trying to cheer me up when I was sad or stressed, organizing a weekly game night, killing a huge spider, always volunteering to drive, coming to movie night, holding my hand, giving me his wii when the previous ex took his back, taking me hiking and to soccer games, and so many other things.  They weren't what I asked so I forgot to see and recognize and praise.  On the outside I could see more clearly the way things should have gone.  But from the outside I also saw no way of going back. 

In an effort to move forward I said we could be friends. Knowing him and myself the way I do, I asked for a conversation.  In order for us to be friends in a way that is acceptable to us both, I need guidelines.  I need to know his perspective and I wanted him to understand mine.  Yesterday I asked for the conversation but I didn't explain what I wanted and he was less than enthusiastic so my anxiety got the better of me and I forgot to see the situation from his point of view. I needed to explain to him who I am and how I function...or malfunction sometimes so he (as a friend) would be patient and understanding until I could adjust to what we would become.  I wanted to give us time and space to build trust and learn to function and coexist.  We did not have the pleasant conversation I intended.  Instead, over text message, we both said things I regret.  We did not speak to understand, we did not speak from a place of compassion and kindness, we did not speak progressively. 

I do not understand how things rose and fell so entirely in such a short amount of time.  Everything moved so quickly and I couldn't keep up.  My intention at the beginning was to repair the past, find closure, and move forward with more positive and settled emotions and learn to let go.  Maybe I read too many books, watch too many movies and believe too steadily in wrapping things up in a matter of hours or pages.  Life isn't neat and tidy, people are flawed and not all conflicts can be resolved.  Best intentions are not always rewarded and sometimes all you can do after a fall is to crawl slowly until you are able to regain some sense of footing.  All I can do is accept that things will never be clean and pretty between us.  Whether we are active in each others lives or not he will always be a part of me and I will always hope and pray that life is being kind to him.  I have no idea where to go from here.  From the outside the answers may seem clear, but the situation on the inside is complicated and complex and not easily explained.  All I can do is be in the moment.  The past is gone, the future is uncertain.  I can function only a moment at a time, I can take life as it comes and do my best to keep up and make better decisions as I go.  And I can try harder to say what I need to say, seeking always to communicate from a place of understanding and love.

14 September 2014

Grateful For...

Today is a good day.  It shouldn’t be. I should be overrun with anxiety because I’m waiting to hear from someone, waiting to be allowed to speak, waiting to know…but for reasons I’m not sure of, I’m only slightly nervous.  It seems that perspective and love are powerful forces.  Perhaps I’ll go into that a little more later, but while I’m feeling optimistic, I’m going to write about something else.

About a week and a half ago I was challenged by a dear friend to post on Facebook three things that I’m grateful for each day for one week.  Yesterday was the last day but today I am feeling overcome with gratitude and therefore, I am posting that gratitude here.

Today I am grateful for (in no particular order):

*        Today and this waiting place…regardless of what happens
*        Love, in all its forms, with all its possibilities and hopes and joys
*        Hamburgers
*        Education, both formal and informal
*        Books
*        Art
*        Movies and specific TV Shows
*        Kindness, Courtesy, General Consideration
*        Perspective
*        Music
*        Therapy, both formal and informal
*        Experience
*        Multiple chances to become better, to try again
*        Chuck
*        General Conference Talks
*        Forgiveness
*        Hope and Faith
*        Poetry
*        Photographs
*        Opportunities for communication
*        Nieces and Nephews
*        A house to live in, clothes to wear, food to eat
*        History

*        Hugs, Kisses, Cuddles, etc...
*        Travel, Beauty of the Earth and Sky
*        Family
*        Ketchup, Mustard, Barbeque Sauce
*        Ice Cream
*        Enough
*        Mistakes and opportunities to set things right
*        Plenty
*        Sweet Potato Fries
*        Netflix
*        Answered prayers
*        Blankets
*        Accessibility to so many resources
*        Employment
*        Teddy Bears and other cuddling creatures
*        Dr. Pepper
*        My car
*        Chocolate
*        Words! Words! Words!
*        Champ, the dog who made me love dogs
*        The Gospel of Jesus Christ
*        Scriptures
*        Temples
*        Patience, especially when others are patient with me
*        Friendlies
*        Coworkers: past and present…and future
*        Another new day to try again
*        Particular friends who have stood by me through some particularly difficult moments: Sarah, Zak, Dave, Heather, Rachelle, Brittany, Katie, Kristal, Brian, Natalie, Amy, Thomas, Tara, Crystal, Karen, Jason, James, Tasia, Erin, Jon, Christa, Laurel, Glenda, Eraine, Mary, Myelle, Jonathan, Todd, (and many others.  I’m sorry, my mind is blanking on names…If you feel like your name should be on this list, I assure you your name and acts of kindness are definitely written on my heart).

And so much more.  I am not grateful for the headache that is setting in, however, so I am going to end this now and go lie down.

03 June 2014

Most of the Time

...I do just fine.

Life is good.
Friends and family are plentiful.
Music, art, movies, BOOKS!
Nature, space, air, sun, water.
Work, play, solitude and companionship.
Food, shelter, clothes, abundance.

The need sets in when it's late and I've felt too lonely too long.
The physical body gets weak and weary and affects the heart and mind.
The words flow too freely, releasing momentary sorrow and want.
The Void swallows them whole and leaves me less empty.
It's only every now and then because...

Most of the time
I do just fine

still searching

for as long as i can remember i have felt like someone is missing from my life.  a particular friend, a person with specific qualities and a degree of compassion and understanding that can just encompass me so entirely that i never feel hesitant to be myself.  i've come close a few times...but as i sit here, insomnia in full force and too many thoughts swirling around my brain, i wish i knew how to reach that person.  i need a friend to talk to about a specific confusion that i can't seem to sort out.  Bestest Friend doesn't have time...and she's too bias on the subject. i get defensive and disappointed when i try to talk to her.  i need some undivided attention and an indeterminate amount of time, neither of which she is able to give.  Will was really good at both for quite a while, and he's not bias, but he's in another state and i can't talk about this over the phone.  i talk to God, but i'm having trouble hearing any response...or even feeling like He's listening.  that's the main source of my discouragement right now...i feel like no one is listening, no one is hearing.  i need someone to see me because i feel so invisible.  i need someone to give what no one seems to have.  i just need some time, some attention, some understanding, some advice.  but who can give me what i seek?  most of the people i've talked to in the past are married and have children who take up all their time and attention.  they forget what it's like to be single and alone and in need of someone to just be there, focused and attentive.

Bestest Friend tried to get me to talk about it at intermission at her daughter's dance recital the other night.  then, when there were too many distractions for a conversation, she told me to call her.  two strikes and now i don't want to even try talking to her at all.  she knows me better than that.  she knows i can't talk about something so important over the phone or when she's distracted...maybe she doesn't grasp the gravity of the situation.  she doesn't understand...how could she not understand?  now i need a friend to talk me through two specific confusions and i can't talk to her because she is one of those confusions.  she's let me down when i need her most.  i'll forgive her, i always forgive her because she has forgiven me so much.  but right now it just hurts.  and i'm searching...always searching...

thank you, dear void, for listening when no one else will.

21 May 2014

Content to Wander

What do you want to be when you grow up?

From my earliest memories, this question held one definitive answer for me.  A wife and a mother.  I was born with compassion, intuition, and an innate ability to nurture.  I had no doubt that I would be married  in my early 20s and raising a brood of fun-loving, creative, civilized, artistic, well-educated children for the majority of my life.  As you know, that's not at all what happened.

Instead of meeting the love of my life when I was five, growing up next door to each other, marrying when he returned from his mission, having 10 children and living happily ever after, I find myself single and pursuing a very different course through life.  Sometimes I think I'm only dreaming; like I'll awaken any moment and find I'm only 13 years old with my whole life ahead of me.  Or I'll roll over in bed and find that ever elusive love of my life lying there beside me, our crazy kids running in to pounce and kiss us awake.

But every morning I wake to the same solitary situation.  Until recently I thought that because my life doesn't look anything like I planned I must have taken a wrong turn, messed things up somehow somewhere along the way.  Maybe I should have gone to a different college; USU instead of SLCC, the U of U instead of Weber, skipped SUU altogether...or put more determination and heart into staying despite everything.  Maybe I should have been more courageous, figured out a different dream or goal, researched careers better, chosen a different major, different employment, different everything.

But, as I've submerged myself in nostalgia over the last couple of weeks, retracing the steps that brought me to where I am, I don't see "detour" or "do not enter" or "wrong way" road signs.  I have made some mistakes, but the major decisions were guided and correct.  For all I know the mistakes were part of the plan too.

On Sunday, while making small talk with a girl in my ward, the question, "what do you do?" came up, as it often does. My response, "I work at the CH Museum." Somewhat intrigued Stephanie then asked the usual follow-up, "what do you do there?" Brightly I say, "I work in the store."  Slightly crestfallen, but doing her best to cover, "Is that where you see yourself always working?"  Or something like that; I can't remember her exact words.  I haven't had that response before.  It caught me but I paused for only a moment.  "I don't really know.  I'll stay until it feels right to leave."  Then I explained about my initial ambition and my inability to predict my path or decide my progression more than a step at a time.  This feels right, nothing else does, so this is what I do.  I was prepared for her to scoff at the way I live my life, but again she surprised me by saying, "I wish I had that kind of faith."  What?  Faith?  I've just been wandering around, most of the time feeling lost and generally disappointed in my inability to climb the socially enforced ladders.

This conversation gave me a new perspective, the perspective I've been struggling for years to find.

I am where I need to be for now and when this is no longer the right place, the next place will become apparent.  All the schools, jobs, living situations, wards at church, etc. have been where I needed to be.  The friends, coworkers, teachers, wardies, and many of the acquaintances I've known and interacted with have been who I needed to know and interact with.  And the timing of each has always been specific.  My prayers are being answered.

I have been wandering, but those wanderings have not been as aimless as they seem.  Maybe someday I'll settle into a career, or finally have that family of my dreams.  But until then, I am content to wander.

I guess this explains why all of my favorite hymns have a common theme: faith to follow and trust in the Lord.

Lead, Kindly Light
Be Still, My Soul
How Firm a Foundation
I Need Thee Every Hour
Nearer, My God, To Thee
Master, the Tempest is Raging
I Know That My Redeemer Lives
I Stand All Amazed
How Great Thou Art

18 May 2014

forgiving...part 2

Today has been an interesting day. Waking, as I usually do, wishing only to burrow in and drift off again. But the squawking bird in the tree outside my window made further sleep impossible. So I prayed, as I do most mornings, "please help me" and crawled over and off the bed. In the shower, Primary songs filled my head. I got ready, went to church, sat through a committee meeting then into the chapel. Instead of finding an empty bench, I sat next to a girl I've talked to two or three times. Her name is Stephanie but I always want to call her Heather. Whatever, not important. We chatted until her friend, then my friends arrived. The meeting commenced as usual. The first talk was given by a man I became loosely acquainted with about 11 years ago. I love when he speaks because music is his life and passion. He talked about the great power music has to invite the Holy Ghost and encourage personal revelation. As he bore testimony, the Spirit wrapped around me and I felt the love of my Heavenly Father and the truthfulness of the gospel.

About a month ago as I drove to work, my insides were all tight and angry and bitter. When I got to work I paused in my car and had a little chat with God. I'm tired of being all tied up in angry bitter knots. Something's gotta change and I need your help.  I reorganized the priorities in my head and decided I need to go to the temple once a week, really study the scriptures every day instead of just passively listening or glancing over a few verses before bed, and I need to consciously keep Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ at the forefront of my thoughts. And...I need to forgive. I've been working on forgiveness for decades, it seems, and I just couldn't quite internalize the concept. I thought I had forgiven everyone, but my anger said otherwise. So I prayed and went to the temple, even when I didn't feel like going. And at the temple, I added certain names to the list of people for patrons to pray for.

As you know from the previous post, a certain long-ago friend was pretty constantly on my mind over the last few weeks, so his name was top in my prayers. I found the forgiveness and I found the beginnings of a peace for which I've been searching most of my life. But it still wasn't quite enough.

Today, as I sat, surrounded by the Spirit, listening to the roommate of that long-ago friend speak about the incredible influence of music, I made a decision to write a note and ask said roommate to deliver it. I don't think we've ever actually said two words to each other, but I decided that if it was meant to be, the opportunity would present itself. After the meeting, as I walked into the lobby (half expecting the long-ago friend to be there, by the way I've been feeling) I spotted instead his other roommate, who is a friendly of mine. So I talked with him for a moment and gave him the note to pass on.

I don't know what the purpose is, if it's for me to express my peace and well wishes, or if it's somehow for him. I don't know. I may never know. But it felt like the right thing to do.

I've never experienced forgiveness in quite this way before. When people described it as a weight lifted, I couldn't fathom ever feeling that light...but I do. And I feel love. Where all the bitterness and hurt and fear and anger have been festering for so long, now all I feel is love and a hope that his life is good and happy.

Crazy feeling! Great feeling! Unbelievable, and yet true feeling! I hope this feeling sticks around.  I'm really not the type to hold a grudge. This was an exception that I think is more about taking time to work through some major layered challenges and less about anything it seemed to be about. I'm stronger, better, and more stable than I've ever been, and this is proof.

It's about time! That's all I can say.

17 May 2014


Dear friend,

The details are hazy now, it's been a couple weeks.  I don't remember if it was a line in a song or a poem, a scene in a movie, a drive through an intersection, or maybe it wasn't anything specific.  All I know is that you've been almost constantly on my mind for over a week...maybe two.  Usually, when my thoughts are so entirely infused with another person, I send a text or some sort of message and ask if we can get together or chat.  Part of me has been searching for you in every face that passes by because it used to be that when I felt the way I do, you appeared out of nowhere in a matter of hours.  But you haven't even invaded my dreams.  I thought about sending a letter or email or postcard or something, but I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear from me...and Bestest Friend said I shouldn't contact you.  My judgement was always blurred where you were concerned, so I'm going with her on this one.  But writing in a notebook words I'll never send to you isn't writing you away as it should.  So maybe if I put the words here, send them into the void in which I used to write you away, maybe that will be enough.

I wish we could go back in time...10 years ago this month, next month, July.  I wish I could make a different decision.  I didn't know how influential that decision would be. 
One moment, one action, one middle of the night...I lost a dear friend and ten years of my life.  I miss that friend, a lot sometimes.  I wish we could go for a drive or a walk and just talk for a while.  But I wrote you away five years ago and he'd been gone five years before that.  Sometimes I wish time erased history so we could just delete the last 10 years and pick up a moment before, make different decisions and continue on in the alternate universe where we were always only friends. 

But then, maybe that universe wouldn't have lasted much longer either. 

Somehow, what happened between us was part of our learning process...at least part of mine, I don't have a clue how it affected you...if it affected you.  I have learned volumes about myself, about other people, about friendship, about relationships, about life, and about God.  I have learned about hate, fear, loss, sorrow, guilt, shame...but also hope, faith, love, repentance, and forgiveness. 

I finally feel forgiveness.  I forgive you. I forgive God.  I forgive myself.  And I feel forgiven.

The last communication you received directly from me called you a villain.  Our relationship destroyed so much of who I was.  I thought it was maliciousness on your part, but I don't think that anymore.  I don't know your motives.  I don't know if you know your motives.  I thought I was motivated by love; that may be somewhat true, but too much need and desperation were mixed in too.  I was full of holes before you came along and I tried to fill them with you.  But as you filled some, you created others.  The thing I'm finally realizing is that the me I was needed to be torn apart so I could become the me I want to be.  Why that job was yours, I may never know.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry things ended the way they did.  I'm sorry I wasn't stronger, more aware of what we were doing to each other sooner.  I'm sorry I let things go too far, too long, too deep.  I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend to you, and that I needed more friendship than you could give.
Thank you for trying, because I think you did.  Thank you for pulling me apart, exposing my weakness, and going away when I couldn't handle anymore. 

Maybe someday we'll find each other in another alternate universe and we can go for a walk or a drive and talk about everything...or nothing...sometimes I miss just being with you.  I'd like to think you sometimes miss me too...but I doubt you've even thought of me in the last five years.  That's okay.  If, by chance, you do think of me, stumble into my void and read this, just know...it's okay, we're okay. At least on my end.