27 December 2010

Ugh! in dating

Why is it that the guys who like me are always the ones I really don't like...and never the ones I do? Why can't a guy like The Artist or Pacman or Gonzo like me for once? They are closer to my ideal. None of the guys who have liked me have fit into that ideal. It's not like I have a list of a million requirements, I'm actually pretty realistic and flexible on most things. I just find myself attracted to certain qualities in people who just don't seem to be attracted to me.

There's gotta be a guy out there who I will be attracted to and who will be attracted to me. I don't know, maybe I'm seeing us inaccurately, but I think I am about the same level of attractiveness as the guys I've mentioned. I mean, we're friends and people generally seem to be drawn to other people who are similar in appearance, social status, education, employment, etc. We're varying degrees of each, but all relatively close.

So why are the socially awkward, uneducated, unemployed, and unattractive guys the only guys who are interested in me right now? Ugh! I'm done with dating. I'm just going to enjoy my friends and focus on finishing up my BA. Marriage will come sometime, just not anytime soon.

Meanwhile, both my sister and my sister-in-law are pregnant. At least I have super cute nephews (and hopefully at least one niece by the end of the year) to love and spoil!


25 December 2010

People Matter Most

"Business!" cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. "Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!"
It held up its chain at arms length, as if that were the cause of all its unavailing grief, and flung it heavily upon the ground again. "At this time of the rolling year," the spectre said, "I suffer most. Why did I walk through crowds of fellow beings with my eyes turned down, and never raise them to that blessed Star which led the Wise Men to a poor abode! Were there no poor homes to which its light would have conducted
~ Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

My chant this year has been "People Matter Most" but I'm somewhat hypocritical in claiming this motto. There are people I have not reached out to. There are many people I have closed myself off to, instead of turning to them with an open heart and welcoming arms. People matter most; more than jobs, more than school, more than any other project or work that needs to be done. This year I received the highest grades in school, almost a perfect 4.0 (except for one A-). But I barely focused on my schoolwork at all. I made people a priority; family and friends always (at least almost always) came first. But only a select few. I had my little group of friends and didn't really reach out much to those beyond that group.

I used to have a more broad vision. I believed I had to reach out and try to affect the lives of every person with whom I came in contact. I thought I wasn't doing enough if I didn't help everyone on the planet (slight exaggeration). This year I learned that I can't help everyone, I'm not supposed to be able to have an impact on everyone. It's important to treat everyone with kindness and respect, but I don't have to be best friends with everyone I meet. It's okay to be somewhat exclusive in my immediate circle of friends...though we try to be accepting of anyone who wants to come around...some personalities just tend to mesh better than others.

Next year I'm going to try to be more kind, more accepting, more open, and more giving. I didn't give a whole lot this year. It was a rare year of receiving more than I gave. Now that I'm back on my feet (mostly), my emotional feet most particularly, I can focus more on other people and less on myself.

I'd like to serve more in the community. The LDS Humanitarian Center, the Utah Food Bank, and other charitable organizations are always looking for volunteers. I need to get with it and start reaching out more. I always love when I am able to volunteer in such places. I have spent a considerable amount of time in the Temple, but not as much as I would like to. I'm going to try to make 2011 a year of selflessness. I don't know how that will work out, life has a tendency to get in the way and I forget my resolve...but I'm going to try.

Shiny Happy People

I noticed something at work today: I'm always happy and smiling at work. Even when I'm tired or when the day starts out not-so-well, within a few minutes of being at work I'm in a better mood. I'm pretty sure it's because of the people I work with. They are all so good at having a positive attitude and it totally brings me up! It's so easy to be positive and happy around positive and happy people.

How do you create and maintain a positive and happy attitude when you're around negative or complaining people? Sometimes I have a difficult time being positive around certain friends, either because they are negative, or because they are so accepting of and open to my negativity. We get into complaining or venting sessions too often.

I want to be a shiny, happy person more often. I'm trying to improve my perspective, and I'm trying to be more accepting and supportive.

Believe it or not I've lightened up a lot from when I was younger. I don't take myself or others quite so seriously as I used to, most of the time anyway. Now and then I have a bad day (or week, or month) and I struggle with seeing myself accurately, then my whole perspective of everything gets skewed. But I'm getting better.

Last month I panicked a little, but I got through it. I saw it while I was in it and I was able to recover without doing too much damage. The last couple of days have shown me that Gonzo is a friend who is sticking around, at least for now, and I think we're going to be okay. He was surprisingly kind and accepting and understanding of my quirky little insecurities.

I appreciate and am so grateful for each of my friends (including co-workers). I love them so much! People matter most and I'm so much happier when I'm surrounded by happy and fun friends. :) I've always been so blessed with great friends and co-workers.

20 December 2010

"Friendship is fleeting and always ends in abandonment" pt. 2

I wrote a post just over a year ago with this title. I had been watching an episode of Bones in which the depressed intern made this statement. At the moment it made a deep impression on me because I was feeling abandoned by more than one "friend" who had promised to love me and stick around forever. Although this seems to be a common theme in life, people come and go causing "friendship" to appear fleeting, I think the word "always" in this statement should be changed to "often."

Bestest Friend has been my confidant and soul friend for at least 15 years. Spaz and a few others have been good friends for nearly as long. Shygirl, Missalicious, Em, The Artist and others have been dear friends for 5-7 years. These are not fleeting friendships. These are true friendships.

Over the last year I've become friends with Hey-Pay, Chelle, Midgie, La-T, and some others that I believe will stick around for a while. I'm not afraid of losing them. I don't feel clingy or need constant reassurance that they care about me or want me around. I don't question our friendship. I believe they are sincere and truly want me as a friend.

Most of the time I don't make a big deal about friendship. I don't worry about whether or not a person is a "true" and lasting friend. I don't question their loyalty or fret that they will abandon me. I've recently discovered that it's only an issue with certain people. Gonzo is one. I have been trying to figure out why I feel so strongly and react so intensely to his shifting moods. It doesn't matter if he stays or goes. It doesn't really matter if he's a "true friend" who stays in my life forever, or just a buddy-buddy kinda friend for only a moment. Logically I know and understand...but my heart reacts violently to the idea that he may leave at any moment.

A long time ago I created in my mind an ideal friend. Over the last 12 or so years I've been cultivating this ideal, and searching for it. There have been a couple times in the last few years when I thought I had found this friend. I was wrong. They didn't understand or care. They didn't know what it was to be a true friend.

Somewhere over the last few months I projected that ideal role onto Gonzo. For a couple of months he was only a couple of details away from being fulfilling that ideal. He was everything I've hoped for and dreamed of for so long. To a great extent he still is; the two lacking details, however, are too significant to overlook. He doesn't love me. I'm not significant enough to him. He could walk away today and never think of me again; there wouldn't be a hole in his heart with my absence...not even a pinprick. He doesn't need me, doesn't think of me, doesn't want me...I'm just another person who happens to be in his life.

For whatever reason, though, he has been very significant in my life. I didn't ask him to be. He just sort of showed up one day. He called me. Now, although he's still around sometimes, he's stopped calling, stopped texting. I don't like it. I know I have to just accept it, he's not the friend I hoped he would be, he'll probably disappear sooner rather than later, and it's okay...I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay.

The Artist is close, and getting closer...I don't worry about losing him. I don't question his loyalty or wonder if he truly cares. We've talked about it. He lets me know that I'm significant to him. He cares, and he understands my sporadic need for reassurance. We've had our rough moments but we always work through them quickly. The Artist gets "true friendship" and I'm inexplicably grateful for that.

I'm trying to be grateful for what I have and not be disappointed with what I don't have. I'm trying to be grateful for the time I have with people and the influence they have on my life and not worry about when they will not longer be around.

Friendship may be fleeting and end in abandonment most of the time, but it's worth the risk and heartbreak of trying to find those few who stay.

People Matter Most

15 December 2010


I don't know why but I felt like changing my blog today. The books have been fun, but for some reason it just didn't fit the way I feel today. So, here's brown. I saw this one and it struck me for two reasons: 1) I love old maps and globes, and 2) the color reminds me of chocolate...which I also love. One of these days I really need to write a poem about chocolate, an ode perhaps.

I bought some Reese's bells and some Mint Truffle Hershey Kisses today. Both of these can be found only at Christmas time. A quirky fact about me, I think Reese's tastes different when it's in the holiday shapes than when it's just the peanut butter cups. I like the holiday shape candies better than the norm. And the Mint Truffle Kisses are my favorite of all flavors of Hershey Kisses. When Mom and I went to Hershey, PA a couple years ago I looked all over for the Mint Truffle but they didn't have any...Christmas only.

One time I tried to break my chocoholic tendencies by eating so much chocolate that it should have made me sick. It didn't work.

This is my teddy bear that I bought at the Hershey factory.
I collect teddy bears and I love chocolate so it was a logical purchase.

11 December 2010

But I'll keep on tryin'

I wish I could see into the future. I'm somewhat discontented with this particular moment. I'm trying to be happy, trying to look for the good and be grateful for the progress I'm making, but I can't seem to focus on the moment. I keep remembering (and regretting) the past, and I keep worrying about the future, all at the expense of the moment. I'm trying to forgive and forget where I've been. I'm trying to have hope that better things will come. I'm trying to work to accomplish what I want my life to be, but the things I want most aren't up to me. So I try to change what I want, but no matter how hard I try, the same daydreams sneak back in.

Sometimes I glimpse it, just for a moment. Then in that moment it's easy to believe. But when the moment's gone, the belief, the hope, is more difficult to sustain. And the further the moment drifts away, the more impossible it all seems.

What more do I have to do? Where is the right path? How do I find the way to where I need to be in order to fulfill my deepest dream? And what is taking so very long?

I know I got distracted for a while. I didn't really have a clear understanding of where I was going or how to get there. I still don't know, obviously, or I wouldn't be asking these questions. Maybe I just think too much and act too little.

I'm tired. The world feels too big right now. I feel lost and insignificant. But I don't need to be important to everyone, only one someone. I just wish I knew where to find him. I've been searching for so long, and it's getting more difficult to believe he's even out there. I'm trying to believe that each heartbreak leads me a step closer to the one who will more than make up for all the losses, but it feels more like each heartbreak just leaves me a little more broken instead.

But no matter how hopeless it seems, I can't give up, so I'll keep on tryin'

05 December 2010

sometimes the muse must die

maybe someday i can stop freaking out over ridiculous things. maybe someday i can be confident and secure in myself. maybe someday i'll stop doubting the loyalty of my friends. maybe someday i'll just be happy.

i'm getting closer. i'm at least acknowledging my absurdity while i'm in it; i knew i was jumping to inaccurate conclusions and that my fears were unrealistic. i just couldn't stop them, and therefore, i couldn't stop my actions or feelings either.

thankfully this time the target was a dear, marvelous and understanding friend. he just brushed off the awkwardness i tried to create and just said, "let's talk about it." we had a really nice chat after church. he was so kind and assured me that he enjoys our friendship "very much". he asked if it would help if he promised to tell me if he ever decided to stop being my friend. he promised he'd just tell me outright, and unless he did, i am to always remember and believe that we are friends. i've had guys promise that before, they promised they'd tell me before they went away...but they broke the promise...the difference in this case, though, is that it was his idea. i didn't beg him to promise, he just did. yeah, i think this is a good friendship that will last. he's like The Artist 2.0 or something; they both just laugh off my insecurity and reassure me that i'm fantastic and that my friendship is important to them. i adore them both and am so thankful for their friendship.

the one slight disappointment is that i don't think he's going to be my muse anymore. he is, however, a conduit to my future muse. he's making me a "mixed tape" of his opinion of the best lyricists. last week he had me listen to some of his favorites and told me to use them as my muse instead of him. i love it!


I've been feeling really anxious the last few days and I'm not sure why. It's like one of those warning anxieties, like something is coming and I should be prepared, but I don't know what to prepare for. I haven't built up enough to have the world come tumbling down on me again just yet, I haven't climbed high enough to fall to any significant depths. I don't know.

I've been a little overwhelmed with my faults and flaws recently. I made such a comment on my Facebook and got the most touching response from a dear old friend. He said, "I've told you before that you are hyper-self-critical. You are a great person and an absolute sweetheart. There is nothing you need to be worried about." I read his words this morning and started to cry. I miss him, I miss his friendship and his hugs. I'm grateful for his words of kindness and encouragement via FB though, I can always count on him to say nice and supportive things like this.

I know I need to stop seeing myself in such a negative light. It's a bit of post traumatic stress response I think and it strikes at the most inopportune moments. I know I'm a great person and I have a lot to offer, but a lot of the time I lose sight of my good qualities and focus too much on the areas in which I need improvement.

My friends and family are really supportive these days. Once I decided to open up and let people in it got a lot easier. I'm doing better with talking myself through it. I've worked through this last one in under a week and that's definitely progress. I'm coping better. I just need to regain the rest of my balance. I'm going to be okay.

03 December 2010

straight jacket

Sometimes I wish someone else could see the warning signs before I break down, I'd ask them to wrap me in a straight jacket and put a muzzle on me and lock me in a soundproof padded room until the mania ends.

Okay, so I'm not manic, just a bit too irrational sometimes. Stress, lack of sleep, inadequate diet, and pms are generally the triggers. Oh, and changes in weather and shifts in friend dynamics are generally circumstances with which I struggle. All of these factors fell in on me at once and I kinda freaked out. I'm pretty sure most people are generally unaware though. Some noticed I was more gloomy than normal, but mostly no one noticed, or cared.

I have made great progress from last year. A year ago I was vomiting every morning and sobbing for no apparent reason on a regular basis. I didn't have a job, I didn't like school much, I had few friends and pretty much no social life outside of The Artist. I hadn't written much of anything worthwhile in over two years. I've just been in a momentary slump the last couple of weeks, but I'm bouncing back.

Three of my four classes are over, I'm settling in at work and adore the girls I work with. Life will be much less stressful after next Wednesday when my last class ends. And really I'm not so stressed about that final, I have plenty of time to study and the teacher is cheering for our success.

I think I might disappear at the beginning of the year. I have loved being a part of my ward, but I feel a little stuck. The Artist has mentioned many times that I should check out his new ward, maybe that is the best idea. At least for a bit. Maybe a social shift is what I need. I don't know.

I've become socially enmeshed which seems to lead to emotional dependence on friends. I keep forgetting that it's not a good thing. I need to learn to stand on my own. I've been too weak for a while, but now I need to find my strength so I don't drive people away.

Things were really good for a while. This summer was one of the best of my life. Things were good until I had a bad reaction to going deep. I always thrived in the deep and personal, but this time it triggered a post-traumatic stress response and sent me spiraling. I haven't really experienced that before, so now that I know it's a possibility I'll watch out for it and try to avoid it.

My turn around was faster this time. I talked myself through it in under a week, I guess it was better because now I can move on.

I wish the gloom shrouding the sky would go away. It's easier to feel bright and sunny when the sun is actually visible. It's easier to feel depressed when the world looks depressed too. But I'm feeling better.

01 December 2010


I've been focusing on myself a lot recently. I haven't been serving. I haven't been going to the temple. I haven't been doing much with my calling at church. I've been talking about myself, thinking about myself, living for myself.

I don't need to count my blessings, I don't need to look on the bright side. I don't need to "fake it till I make it". What I need to do is get outside of myself and focus on someone else. I need to serve. I need to forget about my needs for love and healing and instead remember how to love and heal others. I don't remember the last truly selfless thing I did. I finally realized how to get myself out of this blue funk.