28 September 2010

Oh How I Miss Thee

It's been a while since The Artist and I have spent any time together, just us like we used to. We haven't had a really good conversation in months. I think that's been part of my trouble. The Artist and I used to talk all the time, he was one of my best friends for a long while and I knew I could always count on him for a good, meaningful conversation when my life was lacking. Over the summer a distance formed between us. I could feel it, didn't like it, but didn't know what to do about it.

Tonight a bunch of us formed an underground FHE. We met at Z's house and went to get 50 cent wings at Wing Coop, then back to Z's to watch a movie. We watched Better Off Dead, one of my all time favorite flicks (I love John Cusack...he's a great actor, and totally reminds me of my dearest Uncle). It was so much fun! After the movie we stood in the parking lot for a while and chatted until everyone else dispersed and The Artist and I were the only ones left. He asked how I've been and we talked for about 45 minutes. I've missed my friend. He and I decided a while ago that we're like twins. We see things in much the same way, we've had similar experiences so we understand each other in a way that a lot of other people don't. I told him of some of my recent troubles with other people's tainted and inaccurate perceptions of me. He knows me well and has known me for quite a while so I trust him when he reassures me of the truth.

I need to remember that when I feel down, discouraged, or uncertain of my worth or identity, I should seek for reassurance from those who know me well, those who love me, and those who have been with me the longest. I've been blessed with some really good friends who love me and I am so grateful for them.

Bestest Friend, The Artist, Missalicious, and Midgie listen to me and understand me; they are the ones who have empathy because they've been through similar things; and they are the ones who can always make me feel better. Other friends don't understand as well but they are kind and supportive (Hey-Pay, RSP2, RJ and a few others). And then there's Z who just makes me grin and giggle...for all his quirks, he is so much of what I want to be; I hope we stay friends for quite a while yet so some of his characteristics rub off on me. I am so grateful for good friends. They are really the influences that make my life worthwhile.

Throughout the years I have been blessed with some really great friends. When some move on, others come to fill the void. I have so many happy memories of so many great times with friends and I'm going to do my best to remember them when I start to feel down or alone. Instead of being sad when they aren't around anymore, I'll pull out my photo albums and remember gratefully how much fun we had when we were together.

That's one reason I take so many pictures. I love capturing the great moments so that years later, when we've all gone our separate ways, I can look back and remember how much fun we had... :)

I didn't take pictures tonight, but it was definitely one of the really good ones I'd like to remember. I needed the boost, I needed to just kick back, relax and enjoy some good times with fun friends. It was a really good night!

26 September 2010


This week was rough for reasons unexplained and I'm really glad it's over. By the time I got to the institute for the Woman's Conference I was in a daze.
I had really weird dreams last night and woke up this morning so tense I had to tell myself to relax and stop clenching the sheets. Maybe that's where the insomnia comes in, what's the point in sleeping when it is so not restful?
I didn't really eat much today. I had a little salad around 11am then I didn't eat anything until my little cup of soup and a pita from Greek Souvlaki around 4pm. I'm not much for baked potatoes so I didn't eat at the conference either, besides just having no real desire for food. I'm in one of those moments when I don't want to eat and I have to force myself to choke something down so I don't get sick or pass out or something. People tried to talk to me at the conference but I was so out of it that I couldn't focus. I hope I didn't offend anyone, I just wasn't in my brain.

Now it's 1am and I should be sleeping, but instead I'm sitting here writing a blog post. I want to right something happy or insightful or beneficial in some way to someone...but I'm not in that place right now. I'm just talking...with an edge of negativity and I'm sorry for that. I'm working on it. I've wallowed a bit this week; I shut down because the stress became too much. Now I'll reevaluate and see if I can figure out how to come back up again. I'm doing the best I can.

21 September 2010

i wish it would rain

Day in, day out, my tear stained face
Pressed against my window pane
I search the skies desperately for rain
Cause rain drops will hide my teardrops
And no one will ever know
That I'm crying when I go outside
~ from I Wish it Would Rain by the Temptations

Today is a weepy day.
It's just one of those days, we all have them.
I'm going to be alright; tomorrow will be better.
Life is just this way sometimes.
Today is a day to cry...
tomorrow will be a day to smile.

Ecclesiastes 3
1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:
4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~ Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. ~ Christian Nevell Bovee

Time engraves our faces with all the tears we have not shed. ~ Natalie Clifford Barney

To weep is to make less the depth of grief. ~ William Shakespeare, King Henry VI

It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears. ~ Ovid

Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it. ~ Albert Smith

Tears are God's gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow.
~ Rita Schiano, Sweet Bitter Love

What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. ~ Jewish Proverb

Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry. So unless you have been very, very lucky, you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit. ~ Lemony Snicket

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

I feel a little better now. I've cried twice today and may cry more. But now that I've seen what others have to say about tears, I feel a little better about having a weepy day now and then.

19 September 2010

change is coming

and i'm not sure i'm entirely ready for it. the feeling is more foreboding than anticipation, so my nerves are on end. maybe it'll turn out to be good and i'm just nervous for no reason. i don't know. we'll see...

18 September 2010

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

This is how I feel right now. Just when I think I'm making progress, someone or something comes along to knock me back again...or I trip over myself and fall. My whole life has kind of been like this and I'm working desperately to change. I've come such a long way already, climbing and falling and climbing again, just to fall again. There are moments when I cling to the side of the mountain, my feet barely perched on a narrow ledge and pray that help is on the way.

Now, what I mean by "help" is like a helicopter to pick me up and fly me the rest of the way. Sadly, there has never once been a helicopter or any other "free ride" in my life. I know, that's just how life is, it's not supposed to be easy. But my question is, "does it really have to be this hard?" I know there have been times when I have made things harder than they needed to be.

For much of my life I isolated myself, hiding in my room so no one would see that things inside of me weren't quite right. I didn't know what to do or who to ask for help, so I prayed and I did the best I could on my own. Looking at my life to this point, it's easy for me to feel like the cards were stacked against me from the start. I was born to lose, or at least it seemed I was born to have a more difficult time of things than most of the people around me. Migraines, depression, anxiety, horrible shyness, and parents who were too wrapped up in their troubles to notice how lost and frustrated I was. I never learned healthy coping mechanisms or consistently rational thought. I never learned the skills necessary to make it through the difficult times without falling to pieces.

About a year ago everything fell in on me. I could no longer hold all the weight that was piled on top of me and I collapsed under it all. I had an emotional breakdown. If it hadn't been for school and a few particular friends, I would have slipped into a nearly comatose state and refused to get out of bed...or worse...

I feel like on the day in Heaven when they were handing out the life maps mine somehow ended up going through the shredder and I've been spending my whole life searching for and collecting all the pieces so I could finally figure what my life is meant to be. I'm exhausted and discouraged. I've been working so hard and so long and it's difficult to know what else to do. I try to be happy, I try to serve and be grateful and notice the good instead of dwelling on the bad...but no matter how much I try to "fake it till I make it" I just don't ever seem to "make it" and I wonder if I ever will.

Now, I don't mean for this to be a complaining session or a venting session. In general my life is actually pretty great right now. The job thing is really stressful...I'm not stressed about not having a job, I'm stressed about all the people who keep putting pressure on me to find a job. I know they care and are just trying to help but it's just making the situation worse. I wish I'd never told anyone that I was out of a job. They say that when you are looking for employment you should tell everyone you meet (networking, right?), so, that's what I did. But instead of helping, it backfired and just made it more difficult.

As I mentioned before, I don't handle stress well, so the more pressure I feel, the less functional I become. My migraines and fatigue intensify, my anxiety gets worse, and I just turn off or find distractions so I don't freak out.

Over the last year I have been working on a lot of the obstacles that are standing in the way of success and happiness. Here's a list of the areas in which I've made progress:

~ 24 credits completed and 12 credits in progress toward my BA degree.
~ Social support system (to counteract the tendency toward isolation) established.
~ Appetite restored and regulated.
~ Emotions more in check (I'm not sobbing uncontrollably every day anymore).
~ Anxiety reined in so I no longer vomit every morning when I wake up.
~ Regular Temple Attendance, which has led to a strengthened testimony.
~ Confidence in my calling as ward communications chair.
~ Establishing more positive feelings toward and better relationships with family members (anyone who knows my history knows this is pretty huge for me).
~ Cast a certain devil out of my life (also a rather grand triumph for me).
~ Writing again...

Now I'm working on putting my faith and trust in God, forgiving and trusting myself and others, learning better coping tools, self confidence and a better self image, better communication in stressful situations, and responding rather than reacting. I also need to work on establishing a regular exercise program, improving my study habits, and finding some way of making myself sleep better.

I've come a long, long way, but I still have so much longer until I make it to where I want to be. I hope and expect to find a job within the next month, even if it's just seasonal. I need something to help me get by (and get certain people off my back). I'm doing all I can, and I'm trying harder to put the matter into God's hands. I have been praying that God's will be done, and that He will show me His will concerning me; I keep praying that He'll guide me to where I need to be so it seems to me that if I'm doing all of this and I still can't find a job, maybe there's something else I'm doing that's more important right now. The economy stinks, that's why I'm going to school to earn more knowledge and experience so that I will be qualified for better jobs when they become available.

I'm in the right place, doing the right things, and the way will open up before me when all things are in their proper time and place. So even though it feels like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back, perhaps it's the other way around; yes there are setbacks, but I'm still progressing and things will work out.

09 September 2010

Where I Need to Be

So far the semester is going well. My Adult Development class has given me particular encouragement and reassurance that I am where I need to be. It's going to be one of my most overwhelming classes, but I really like the teacher and the subject matter is just what I need to hear right now.

My Family Processes class is going to be pretty crazy too (I have group projects in both...I'm not a big fan of group projects, but my groups seem to be pretty good so maybe it won't be so bad). I really like this professor as well, I took his Marriage class last semester. My one fear is his tests. I got a B in his class last semester because he has a ton of listing on his tests and I'm not so good with memorizing long lists of things.

My third class is Classical Literature, which I am totally loving! We've been reading The Iliad. It's such beautiful language (even the violence is dripping with poetic imagery). The professor is interesting. I don't think the papers will be too difficult. I have already gotten one back 90/100, not bad. This second paper should be better since I now know what he expects. My one concern about this class is that Greek and Roman literature (the subject matter for the course) is loaded with sex and violence. Thankfully, the professor is mature about it and treats these topics delicately, not dwelling on them too much.

My last class is a once-a-week night class. Wednesdays are my very, very long days. I am at Weber from 9:30am to about 8:15pm. The first week of class I took my regular commute on UTA. I didn't get home until after 11pm...too long! This week I drove to Ogden and got home around 9:15pm; still long, but much better. This class is my Poetry Writing class. The teacher is retired so he's an adjunct professor. He teaches because he loves poetry and he loves teaching. I think he's getting a little senile though because he's completely NUTS! It's fun. He spent 10 minutes yesterday describing how he eats a 12 piece bucket of KFC chicken. It was so funny that the girl next to me was wiping away tears. I think I'm going to love this class. I just need to make myself write some poetry. Our first poem was due yesterday and I had to use an old one because I couldn't complete a new one. I started a couple...

I know beyond a doubt that school is where I need to be and what I need to be focusing on right now. It's okay that I haven't found a job yet (nothing is working out, no matter where I apply or how many times I call for interviews, so it seems it's just not time), I'll figure it out when it's right. It's also okay that I'm not dating right now. I'm not even interested in anyone, which is actually kind of great! I'm content with my friends and family for now. It's nice that I don't have anyone to coordinate my life with, since I'm having a little trouble just coordinating with myself.

Nothing much is making sense in my life right now; probably because I'm fighting against the truth because it's different than the general consensus of others. But my life has never gone "according to plan" in the regular "normal" course of things. I'm different and for reasons I hope to one day understand, my life has gone according to someone's plan. With the exception of the SW phase, my Cedar City escapade, and Bobpi (all directly related to each other and I'm still not sure why those were necessary moments of my life), I know that I needed to be in each of the places and phases I've been in. I think SW was a detour I wasn't intended to take and therefore has led to a whole lot of complication that could have been avoided. On the other hand, perhaps it was what was necessary to get me to make some major changes in my life. I don't know.

Anyway, I digress. I know that school is the right place for me to be. I'm looking for a job that will be a good fit through the end of my degree. I'm thinking of finding a different ward for church. I've been in this place too long and I just don't feel needed or wanted; and I don't feel like I'm progressing at all. I feel stuck at church and I don't like it. I don't want to stay, but I'm afraid to try to leave. I just don't know what to do. The Artist said he visited a singles ward for those 25-35 years old, he said it seemed promising. Maybe I should try that. I just don't know.

So, I'll focus on what I do know. School. School is good. School is where I need to be.

05 September 2010

I am what I am and not what you think I am

if you think you know me, you probably don't. it's okay, let's just be friends anyway.

my past doesn't have to taint my future. i decide today to look forward instead of always looking back.

the best is yet to come

you don't have to know me to love me

i won't try to fix you and you won't try to fix me and we'll get along great!

if i need help, i'll ask for it. if you need help, you can ask me too.

life is good...and it's even better with friends who let you be yourself and love you just the way you are; no judging or analyzing or offering solutions to "problems" they don't even understand.

when i forget who i am, remind me by treating me as a daughter of God

04 September 2010

Eat Pray Love

Yesterday was not the greatest day. I just felt really depressed and out of place. I had invitations to hang out with friends who I adore, but it just didn't feel like the best idea. I needed to be with someone who knew me before...the thought came to call an old friend but I hesitated, deciding instead to take myself to a movie. But when Misselicious started texting me about Em's bridal shower, I took the hint (she was the one I'd been thinking of) and asked if she wanted to go to dinner and a movie.

The movie Eat Pray Love had been on my mind all day so that was the one I wanted to see. The showings, however, were not cooperating with my time frame so we decided on meeting half-way between us at Thanksgiving Point and seeing Salt instead. We met up and went to the cafe for dinner then went to buy our tickets for Salt but the showing wasn't listed. So we bought tickets for the 9:45pm showing of Eat Pray Love and wandered around for two hours.

It's funny that things worked out exactly as they needed to. Spending time with my Misselicious always makes me feel better. She knows me better than most because she's been with me through most of the last 7 years. She is one of those friends who it doesn't matter how long it's been since the last time we talked, we just pick right back up where we left off and it's as though no time has passed at all. She knows me and therefore I feel free to be completely myself with her. She brings out the best in me and reminds me that it's okay to relax and have fun and just be myself.

I'd forgotten who "myself" was and that's why she was the one I needed last night.
And Eat Pray Love was the movie I needed to see. I related to the Julia Roberts character like you wouldn't believe. So much of what she learned throughout the movie are things that I need to learn. I need to meet people like the ones she met to help me work through my wounds and darkness and get to a place of balance and health. Where can I find such people? People who have been through similar things so they really understand the process of getting back. Where do I find people who don't ignore but instead make me talk and work through all that I've been avoiding? Where do I find people who won't give up on me and who refuse to allow me to give up on myself? Where do I find people who can teach me to live and love and enjoy life again? I want people of depth and sincerity and intelligence...and hearts that are open and giving so I can learn to be that way too.

And I really, really, REALLY want to go to Italy! I know that living in Utah, it's so much more practical to learn Spanish for my foreign language credit...but how I long to learn Italian! Oh! It's really just the most beautiful and delicious language I've ever heard.

Anyone know an attractive Italian currently living in Utah who wants to teach me to speak his language? Sigh

Anyway, back to the point of this post. I'm getting better. I can see the progress I've made and that I am making. I'm in school and I'm working toward bettering my situation. I'm working on healing and finding myself. I'm working on loving and opening myself up to believing in what I've lost and forgotten. I'm getting there.

One thing I've learned recently is to be open to learning whatever others have to teach. It's best to go into an interaction with another person with the desire to learn what they have to teach you instead of what you think you need to learn. That's one thing I understand from my recent interactions with BLJ. He can't teach me what I think I want to learn from him, he can't help me in the way I want to be helped, but he can teach me other things that I need to learn. He can't (or just won't) help me heal or find myself, but he can teach me and help me with my resume and my job search. So I'll work toward being humble and listen to and accept what he has to give me. And I'll try to be open to finding the rest of what I need in other ways or through other people (such as my school classes or friends).

I'm doing better. I'm progressing.

01 September 2010


I don't get along well with Red personality types. I'm a blue-yellow, the two colors that clash most extremely with reds. BJL is a RED and I turn all caps BLUE when I'm interacting with him one on one. He yells and I cower. He rants his point of view and I cry uncontrollably.

His perspective of me is incorrect and unjust but he states it as fact. I don't know how to talk to him so I try to avoid him. I want to change places so I don't have to be anywhere near him anymore. He feels he has a right to tell me what to do and how to do it but he doesn't understand. He doesn't know me, doesn't know my history, doesn't understand what I'm trying to do. It's frustrating and discouraging and disappointing.

I've decided to listen to my friends and family, those who have been with me through my darkness and heartache and trouble. Those who judge me harshly without knowing me don't get to have a say anymore. I've listened to them too long and that's why I'm in this condition. My voice, God's voice, Bestest Friend's voice...those are the ones I need to listen to and take to heart. Those are the ones I can trust. God and Bestest Friend are kind and gentle, but honest and forthright. They see me as I have been, as I am, and as I can become. They support me and guide me gently through the storms and strife. They bring peace and solace.

Too Sorry?

I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I'm still in school
I'm sorry that I don't have a job
I'm sorry that I'm not married
I'm sorry that I'm not even dating
I'm sorry that I worry too much
I'm sorry that I haven't figured things out by now
I'm sorry that I'm not very good with budgeting time or money
I'm sorry that I get mad sometimes
I'm sorry that I've been bitter so long
I'm sorry that I cry too easily sometimes
I'm sorry that I have different opinions
I'm sorry that I watch too much TV
I'm sorry that I'm late
I'm sorry that I have headaches
I'm sorry that I have allergies
I'm sorry that I don't serve more
I'm sorry that I am self-centered sometimes
I'm sorry that I don't have better clothes
I'm sorry that I don't have perfect teeth or hair or skin
I'm sorry that I'm out of shape and a little over weight
I'm sorry that I'm so tired all the time
I'm sorry that I care a little too much sometimes
I'm sorry that I'm afraid, and that I allow that fear to hold me back
I'm sorry that I have different priorities than you do
I'm sorry that I'm repetitive
I'm sorry that I'm not better at life
I'm sorry that I don't listen very well sometimes
I'm sorry that I learned too late what really matters
I'm sorry that I haven't written in so long
I'm sorry that I take things too seriously sometimes
I'm sorry that I can't be what you want me to be
I'm sorry that I get mean when I'm frustrated
I'm sorry that I'm not more meek and submissive
I'm sorry that I don't express myself very well
I'm sorry that I can be confusing
I'm sorry that I haven't been a better friend
I'm sorry that I can't make up my mind
I'm sorry that I can be too sensitive
I'm sorry that I use the wrong words sometimes
I'm sorry that I'm so very sorry