23 December 2012

i cannot find the way

life is so hard sometimes. making decisions, living with decisions that have been made, making mistakes and trying to clean up and learn from the mess. i've not been in the best mood recently. it's been a difficult couple of months. this time of year is always rough for me...but for some reason this year feels harder. i've made some big, dumb mistakes and i'm paying for them right now. i have some  decisions i've been avoiding, and i'm paying for that too. my stress level is nearing the stars, and i may be headed for a breakdown. not sure. i need some help, but as usual, i'm not sure where to turn. i just don't know what to do.

21 December 2012


there you are again...popping up, unwanted, unbidden...reminder of pieces of me i never wanted to see again. will you always haunt me? my life, my dreams? my every attempt to break free and become new?  always there, somewhere, lurking in the cracks and crannies of my distress and insecurity. the last communication i sent informed that you are the worst villain and my life's destruction. my fears and shards and infected wounds still throb and swell because of you.

but it's me, not you. the memory of my weakness and complete stupidity keeps me reeling and wasted. how can i ever patch the holes and stitch the cavernous crevices of my still troubled self? write more? i've already wasted so many...too, too many words on you. yet here i am, 4am and afraid to sleep. i don't want to see you...miss you...hate you again in my dreams.