28 June 2011

Too Long

It's been a long time since I've written anything worth reading.  My latest inspiration is not inspiring anymore.  He's more a life raft these days, keeping me afloat, rather than the wind beneath my literary wings. I need to make some changes.  The other night I realized that I've been drifting too long, it's about time I start paddling again. 

23 June 2011

adrift and untethered they wander

I have been feeling a little fractured recently.  For the last year or so I've had a pretty stable group of friends.  I've had groups of friends before, and I've had them disperse before.  This time, though, the dispersal is not really the same, and it's been kind of disconcerting for me.  A few people went one way, a few went another, all joining or formulating other groups.  I was kind of the hub, the organizer, the motivator of the group, now I'm, what?  I don't feel like I'm really part of any of the new groups.  I'm a drifter, sometimes invited, sometimes included...and sometimes forgotten or simply unwanted?  I'm still friends with my former group members individually, but I don't really have a place in any of their new social circles.  I try to fit in, feel comfortable, be myself, but I don't really go along with any of the new dynamics. 

I was just coming to terms with being a leader, now no one is following.  Other, more commanding leaders have pushed me aside.  I've never wanted to be a leader, so generally I'm okay with this.  However, I always tried to help everyone in the group feel wanted, included, cared about.  The new leaders are not that way.  Most of the time I feel tolerated at best, unwanted and excluded at worst. 

I don't really want a new group.  I don't want to make new friends.  I like the friends I have and generally I'm content with the one-on-one time I have with these friends.  I'm grateful for the friends who care enough about me to not neglect me or forget me, regardless of other friends and social groups they find.

22 June 2011

I hope that something better comes along

When the anxiety gets overwhelming, I need to remind myself that if I just hold on another moment things will get better.  I've been holding my breath, frustrated and panicked, incapable of talking myself out of the fear.  But then, with one text message, my lungs deflate and my pulse slows.  Another text reassures me that my fears have been for nothing.

I wish I hadn't been busy tonight.  Book group was really great, and I've enjoyed all the time I've spent with the girls recently, but after a few more texts I realized that his request to watch a movie, may have been a request for his own reassurance of sorts.  He's not good at asking outright for what he really needs.  And my fears were still in control of my thought process so I figured others would be there too (others I don't particularly want to see at the moment).  But I think it may have been just the two of us.

He said it was ok, that he needed to just chill and sleep tonight anyway, but I felt bad for not being there for him, for not understanding his request, and for allowing fear to hold me back from giving what was needed.  I need to be better at that.  I need to replace my fear with faith and love.  I love him, but I've been so afraid of being replaced or of him just deciding to not want me or need me anymore, that I've been distracted and less aware of his needs and requests.  I'm changing my attentions and awarenesses.  He's not going anywhere.  He wants my friendship and love.  So I'm going to give it without fear or selfishness.  And better things are sure to come along.

19 June 2011

You are not alone, I am here with you, and we'll get lost together until the light comes shining through

I was wrong.  He isn't Will.  In fact, I'm about convinced that Will doesn't exist for me at all.  I realize he's based on a fictional character, or a mixture of fictional characters, but I know people who have their own version of the friend for whom I've been hoping and searching most of my life.  For some, he's a brother who is always there to give comfort, advice, encouragement, or to say or do just the right thing to bring out a smile.  For some it's a father, an uncle, a cousin.  For others it's just a friend; someone they met along the way who decided to keep sticking around to share love and life.  I'm not talking about romance here.  I'm talking about soul friends. 

Anyone who has been around, reading my blog, for a while has heard me use this phrase before.  I thought the weasel was a soul friend.  Then I thought Bobpi was a soul friend.  I was very wrong on both accounts.  And now I'm wrong again.  He doesn't need me, doesn't even really want me.  I'm not significant to him...easily forgotten (out of sight, completely out of mind).  If I was suddenly not around anymore, he may notice eventually, but it would take him a while.  It was a mistake to think he cared, just because he showed up and said he cared...people say a lot of things, then change their mind when the moment ends.  We've barely had any contact since last Monday night.  He's too busy to remember me, too busy to care anything about me.  Soul friends don't forget.  Soul friends are never too busy to care and acknowledge. 

So, I'm giving up on this idea of a soul friend.  I'm giving up hoping that there is a person out there somewhere who will love me so deeply and purely that they are always there for me and always need me to be there for him.  I'm giving up on the idea and the hope that someone will care enough about me to know me entirely and stick around to love me anyway.  A friend like that doesn't exist for me...and I'm pretty sure a husband like that doesn't exist for me either.

I guess I keep thinking of What Dreams May Come.  I'm in the dark right now.  I'm struggling and on the days I don't work it's all I can do to get out of bed before noon.  I'm so tired and so weary and I've completely lost my passion for anything (including writing)...because what's the point in caring about anything when you have no love in your life, no one really caring about you...or worse yet, no one to care about?  In the movie, the woman is stuck in a hell of insanity, she is lost in the darkness and her love comes to find her and save her.  When he finally realizes that he can't convince her to leave with him, he decides to give up his own sanity to stay with her.  I'm not that far gone.  I'm just struggling a little right now (nowhere near the verge of suicide) but it would be a lot better if I knew someone really and truly and deeply cared about me...and needed me to care about him.

This has been weighing so heavily on my mind and heart recently that I think I must be on the verge of something.  I thought I had found my soul friend.  Now I see that's not the case (most likely will never be the case).  But maybe it's something else...some sort of career path or something.  I don't know.  I need to make some decisions, one of which is to be more than okay being alone because it seems that's how it's going to be for quite a while longer.  How do you decide to be content, even happy, alone?

14 June 2011

say the words, sometimes i just need to hear the words

He came over at 10:45 at night because I needed him. 

Yesterday was a bad day.  I woke up with a migraine and anxiety, feeling completely insignificant and unnecessary.  I've felt displaced, in limbo; that place between an ending and a beginning where the air is too thin and at the same time too thick to breathe.  I feel claustrophobic, confined, stuck.  I've been afraid that a new friendship means he doesn't want or need me anymore.  I've tried to be friends with the new friend, but it's like when Bobpi started dating his now wife, I cared too much about him so I tried to be friends and let her know that I wasn't a threat and she didn't need to veto me, but she didn't try at all, she wanted me out. He didn't even fight for me.  Now I know this situation is a little different, it's all on the friendship level on all accounts, but my fear has been overwhelming.  I'm not ready to be without him, but his new-ish friend does not seem to like me one bit.  I feel like she tolerates me because we have mutual friends, but she certainly has made little to no effort to be friendly.  I don't know what to do with people like that.  I try to be friendly and kind, but they don't try at all.

Anyway, I finally voiced my feelings and fears tonight.  I told him I was terrified of losing his friendship, that since he found a new friend to spend his time with, he wouldn't want me or need me anymore.  He said he's not going anywhere.  He said he cares, that I'm important and that even though we haven't been friends all that long, he considers me a very dear friend.  He needs me, wants me, and trusts me.  He said I'm a good friend and that my loving and needing him makes him feel better about himself.

When I was 16 or so, life was too much for me to handle alone.  I was in a horribly dark place and I needed a lifeline to pull me back from the sharp edge I was standing on.  That's when I started writing.  I created alternate realities for myself, places I could escape into where people loved me, understood me, accepted me, and never left me.  In that place, I created one friend in particular.  I have been praying and searching for that friend my entire life.  I thought I found it once in the weasel, but he ended up being quite the opposite instead.  My favorite TV show of all time is Alias, more because of Sydney's relationship with one person in particular than for any other reason.  Will Tippin is in almost every way the embodiment of my imaginary perfect friend.  So, from now on when I refer to this dear boy who came over tonight and talked with me until I was calm and comforted (even though he was so tired and has to be up early in the morning) I'll call him Will.

I know, and I have known for a while that he cares, that he's not going to just up and leave me or hurt me in any way.  I know he loves me and values our friendship.  But sometimes (as I told him tonight) sometimes I just need to hear the words coming from his lips in his voice.  So when I feel anxious about it, I'll have his words in his voice to play over the doubts and fears in my head.  Sometimes it's not enough to know a thing, sometimes it's takes a tender moment of kind and loving reassurance to set my mind and heart at ease.  Thank you, my dear, sweet Will for giving me your words tonight.

13 June 2011

What Are You Going to Do?

I don’t want to go where I’m not wanted
But I want to be with you
So if you’re not the one not wanting me
What are you going to do?

It may just be my paranoia, it may be my insecurity. It may be truth.  I don't know, and I don't know how to find out.  Females are interesting, and can be difficult, especially when a guy is involved.  Guys are generally dumb and often oblivious.   There are questions I want to ask, but I'm afraid he's getting really tired of all my questions.  

I'm not like other girls.  I have a lot of trouble being clever and witty in groups larger than two or three people.  I often don't have anything at all to say, and when I do try to speak I generally don't speak loud enough to be heard and understood.  Why do I act like such a frightened mouse these days?  Have I always been like this?  Completely devoid of opinion and intelligence?  That can't be right.  I've been very interesting and entertaining in my life.  I do have a tendency toward the deep and dramatic sometimes, but I can be funny and exciting too. 

I feel like I'm only half myself these days.  I've been so constantly tired and I don't have much ambition for anything.  I'm not sure if I'm in self sabotage mode or if I legitimately need to back off and try a different strategy.  I just don't know.

03 June 2011

Bright Spots

unexpected text messages
dinner with the fam at Red Robin
front porch swing

I'm having trouble coming up with things I'm grateful for today.  It's not such a great day so I'm trying to count my blessings but I'm really having a difficult time.  I'm tired and didn't eat like I should have.  Certain very important wants/needs are not being filled at the moment and I'm running out of patience.  I'm trying but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.  I've tied the knot and I'm hanging on, but if help doesn't come soon I don't know what I'm going to do.

A lot of things have been changing recently.  The most recent change is Gonzo's move.  He's not in my ward anymore and I'm kind of panicking.  He's been a very important friend in my life over the last year and I'm not ready to lose him.  On a logical level I can convince myself that we're good enough friends that this little change isn't going to sever our interaction, but I'm not a logical person.  I'm an emotional person and until he stays,  I don't know how to trust that he cares enough about me to stick around.

I'm working on overcoming this need to keep people around; I haven't told him my fears and I'm not needy or pleading...I act normal, like everything is just as it has been.  But inside I'm a wreck, clinging to every second with him as though it's the last.  I can't explain my feelings, my ridiculous need to have him around.  All I can say is that I feel safe when he's there.  I never feel safe...have never felt safe...except when I'm with Gonzo.  I don't understand it.  I've stopped questioning it.  All I know is how I feel and that's a feeling I want to live in for a long time.  In trying to explain it to Pola, I told her I wish we'd been born brother and sister, twins maybe.  Then I would have him in my life from the moment I was born until forever.  But that's not the case.  He lived just fine without me, and would probably not even be affected if I was suddenly not around.  But for me, he's been a dear friend and a lifeline.

I know that when he is gone, someone else will come and more or less fill in the void.  But that doesn't help assuage the fear of losing him before I'm ready to let go.