in Sacrament Meeting today the speakers talked about kindness. generally i think i'm a kind person...outwardly anyway. i need to improve my thoughts in this respect. i'm not always kind in the things i think about people. it's worst when i drive in the car; i get impatient with some of the other drivers and call them morons in my mind and yell for them to get out of the way (even though i know they can't hear me). i'd never call a person a moron to their face, so why am i calling them one when they can't hear me? the problem is generally not with them, it's with me. i need to be more patient and kind, not only on the road, but with the general public with whom i interact at work, and also with my family and a few certain friends who just seem to know how to push the wrong button. i have improved over the years, i'm slower to anger and try to hold my tongue and walk away before things get too heated; i really try to be kind, but it's often to the point of being a pushover, which is not so good either.
the person i tend to be most unkind toward, though, is myself. i've noticed recently that my thoughts toward myself are too often negative and demeaning. i've learned over the years to kindly accept compliments from others with a smile and a "thank you" but i don't know how to compliment myself. maybe learning to be kinder to myself will help make me kinder to others...and vice versa.
today as i listened to the speakers i thought of two things in particular, besides simply my need to be kinder: 1) Sydney Bristow. 2) the Weasel.
1) i've been watching a bit of Alias this week. it's what i do now and then when i feel a little lost and weary from the world. the show is my favorite for many reasons, one of which is Sydney Bristow. in so many ways, she is the person i want to be...i mean, if i could choose a fictional character to be reincarnated as (if i believed in such things), it would be her (well, not entirely, she dresses immodestly sometimes and she sleeps with men she's not married to, but as far as looks and personality go, i want to be her). the reason i thought of her during the talk is because she is one of the kindest people (fictional or not) that i've every seen. don't get me wrong, she can kick your trash and she doesn't really hesitate to kill people if they are trying to kill her, but she is generally very kind to everyone, even if they aren't being particularly kind to her. she is strong, brave, meek, sincere, independent, happy, friendly, versatile, and loving (as long as you're not trying to kill her or someone she loves). anyway, this probably doesn't make much sense to anyone reading this but it doesn't have to. i'm just kind of writing because it's on my mind and i haven't written in a while. we'll move on to the second thought because it's the more significant one.
2) the reason i thought of the Weasel during a talk about kindness isn't because he was particularly kind, though he was when he wanted to be; it's because the title i gave him all those years ago is an unkind one. over the years i have worked very hard to forgive him and repair the damage he caused inside of me and the wreck i let him make of my life. i don't hate him, i never really hated him. he abused my kindness and generosity and he is a big part of the reason i am not as kind and generous as i once was. but what i realized today is that i can never truly forgive and be free of the trouble he caused until i stop calling him such an unkind name. he is the only person to whom i've ever given an unkind nickname (as far as i can think of anyway), and no matter what he did to me, i should be the kinder person and stop holding it all against him. there was a time when he was one of my dearest friends and a man i loved with too much of my silly little heart. from now on i'll try to remember the better things and the good times we had and let go of the rest. i still don't like his real name, though, and since i don't know what else to call him, i'll try to just not write or talk...or even think about him at all. he's been out of my life for nearly 6 years now, it's about time i finish forgiving and forgetting.
my quest for the week then (and longer, really, but i thought a week seemed like a doable goal; i prefer to take life a day or week at a time, less overwhelming that way) is to focus on being more kind to those around me and also to myself. i'll also try harder to notice the kindnesses i receive from others.
p.s. sorry this isn't particularly well written or coherent, my brain is sleeping and a little mushy, but i wanted to say something about what i learned about kindness before it slipped away entirely. thanks for reading! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment